Teen overeating and putting on weight

[vilamoura2003]

Can I ask advice about how to help my teen DD. She is a happy go lucky girl really. Doesn't have much of a friendship group but has the odd few that she can see socially. Good at a school, no real issues - apart from what I think is an extremely unhealthy relationship with food 🤔

She massively overeats, won't choose to eat anything healthy unless I tell her she has to and will eat multiple amounts of any snacks, etc that I buy. Obviously there are other people in the house hold who might like the odd choc ice or cereal bar so I need to buy them.

She is 16 years old and has not long had a bank account to which her pocket money is paid (she is trying to find a job but there's nothing out there at the moment). I think she is potentially spending some of this pocket money on sweets and crap from the shops.

I have had the same conversation with her over and over and over again about portion sizes, choosing healthy options, maybe only one snack a day, how bad sugar is for the body, how it is addictive. How being overweight can make you feel sluggish and lethargic. It just goes in one ear and out of the other.

I came home from shopping last week at lunch time and by tea time I had found she had eaten a rice crispie square and two 99 cal snickers bars. I have asked her what healthy snacks she would like and if she was really hungry she could have those, but she will have those as well. If given a choice she would choose the double sized chocolate bars or Mars or snickers (the one where there is two in the pack), and says the normal size ones are small 🤷🏻‍♀️

My husband likes a hot chocolate and I buy the Cadbury one. She will take the suggested teaspoons of powder and will add more powder and milk. She will say it tastes watery 🤦🏻‍♀️

If I buy something and I think 4 days later, I just fancy that - I can go to the cupboard and it will have all gone. I have to specify for her not to eat things if I want to save something for myself 🤷🏻‍♀️

At 16 I don't feel like I can really control what she's eating anymore. What do I do? Just leave her to it and let her make her own choices 🤷🏻‍♀️ She potentially will go off to uni in 2 years time and has to make her own decisions about what to eat. I worry she is going to be so overweight 😕

She is snugly fitting in a size 12 but has weighed herself this morning (after I asked her to), and she has put a stone on in the last 5 weeks and is now up to 11st 7. She has been in for 10 days self isolating after a close contact at school so she says it is because she hasn't been very active.

I have even offered to take her to the doctors if she wants to talk to someone else 🤔 She gets defensive and says she's happy as she is.

I don't know whether I'm doing the wrong thing - does anyone have any advice? I really worry that she has such a bad relationship with food 🤷🏻‍♀️

Stop buying snacks, chocolate etc for a start. If you're that worried about her, then I'm sure you and DH can make a sacrifice.

I'd also stop the nagging. Teens are inclined to dig their heels in even more if nagged.

Cook healthy meals, give sensible portions and make sure there are healthy snacks available.

Can you encourage her to help with meal planning/cooking?

Has she always been like this? What is your relationship with food?

Finally, I would not underestimate the impact the last year has had on our teens and their mental health.

It may seem like you "need" to buy treats for the others but you really, really don't.
Having them in the house but expecting her not to eat them isn't fair IMO.
My son can't eat chocolate (or any form of dairy) for medical reasons so we don't keep it in the house. I went from 3 bars a day to none.
Just have a healthy household and set a good example.

She is probably addicted to the sugar. Would you ask an alcoholic not to drink alcohol that was in the house?

Get in other things that are quick and easy to do even if they aren't super healthy.

Write a list of quick snack suggestions put it one the fridge.

As stated above stop buying snacks. Any snacks that you and DH want you should maybe hide in your room. It’s probably boredom being home and if the food is there then it’s very easy to comfort eat.

If she asks why there are no snacks then show her a healthy eating pyramid (google), inform her that you are giving her all the healthy food that she needs in her three meals a day, snacks should not be necessary if she’s eating well at mealtimes. Depersonalise it by saying the whole family need to be more sensible about what you’re eating and so as caring parents you’re taking a stance. Also monitor portion size - take control there, Baring in mind that growing teenagers do need a lot of calories. Maybe give her a chocolate bar for pudding - but just one. No one needs two or three.

Said as a teacher and as someone who has battled with her weight. You’ll be teaching her self control and responsibility for her weight which are important life lessons.

Agree with the others. You do not need to buy choc bars for anyone in the house. If you buy them, you can’t blame her for eating them.

You made her weigh herself!?! Wow. You might think that you are trying to help, but it sounds like you are very focused on her weight and likely are having the opposite effect.

I wouldn't be weighing her either. Healthy diet is what matters at this point.

Forcing her to weigh herself seems a little controlling and also shaming. I can’t imagine that will help her mindset.
Lead by example. Just have the healthy stuff available. Get her into good habits.

I think the general advice to stop talking about food. Its very rarely about the food. Don't "shame" her when eating. Talk about enjoying meals etc but don't draw attention to snacks or comment on what she's eating/size.

Instead look at what might be missing - the why. Spend time connecting again/doing something fun etc.

Oh goodness, I felt so so uncomfortable reading that.

I don't know what the answer is, but from bitter personal experience I'd say that nagging and shaming and all the talk about food and weight is not the way to go here.

That sort of age is prime time for disordered eating / eating disorders to develop so this stuff really does need to be handled with care.

Making her weigh herself in front of you and talking to her 'over and over and over' about food/weight could be really really damaging.

Please please don't underestimate the impact that those words and actions, however well-meaning, could have.

You have my sympathy.

My dd is like this. Unfortunately eradicating treats just meant she ate huge piles of toast or cereal. So do we remove the cereal or bread? It’s a bloody nightmare.

We buy one pack of chocolate biscuits a week. When they’ve gone they’ve gone.

She hates things like nuggets, pizza etc, but loves proper home cooked food. It’s all healthy stuff and she prefers wholemeal bread too.

I’ve been really struggling with it. But I’m trying not to anything. She met up with her friends yesterday. She told. E they all bought a bag of cookies and a family tub of Pringles each😥. I commented that it didn’t sound very healthy but didn’t say anything else.

I put a thread on here about it l was so desperate. The general consensus was to have a quiet kind word and not remove too much food as it then becomes an issue over denial.

It’s so hard. I don’t know what to do. I just make healthy food. She hates hates any form of exercise and if l push that then that becomes a bone of contention. It’s a nightmare.

Are you my sister?? My heart breaks for my nieces and nephews. My sister has an eating disorder which has escalated in her children, my sister prevents them eating anything outside of mealtimes which has resulted in them buying bags of doughnuts and cakes and sweets whenever they can. They are now overweight and my sister is distraught.

This is why l have some treats in the house. Not many but I’m not removing anything, as it sets up cravings.

And as l said it’s not always treats, mine just likes food.

stop talking about it, reduce the amount of snacks you buy, encourage her to be more active under the ruse of 'family walks' or activities etc. Your husband needs to be completely on board too.

Are you overweight or quite skinny? Either she's rebelling in a way she has power/control over, or she's learned bad habits.

It is boredom eating? Does she have enough fulfilling/engaging activities? If not, could you set her up with some, or something you can do together?

Honestly, nothing that you've said indicates that she 'massively overeats'. I would imagine that her attitude towards food is a direct result of yours and your seeming need to control her intake and weight.

Watching with interest as I have the same problem with my DD who is 12. If she goes out with her friends, they buy masses of crisps and sweets. It's really hard telling her to not eat that when everyone else is.

They are just bored at the moment though. As soon as things open up again and they are out and about it'll get better.
I am the same!! Snack from boredom.

It’s like the elephant in the room.

You can’t talk about it
You can’t acknowledge it
It will be your fault

What are we supposed to do? Mine never had a problem until lockdown. It’s like having your hands tied permanently. You can offer all the healthy food in the world. If they want to eat, they will eat, how are you supposed to stop it?

And mine has a healthy diet. It’s the amount she eats not the substance.

I had this issue. Luckily she decided for herself she didn't want to be overweight and started to eat healthily and the weight dropped off. Until that point anything I said was nagging and just caused rows. You just need to let her make up her own mind

So difficult. My cousin has two children. One is rather overweight and her brother is skinny. Same family. Very difficult to encourage one to eat more and the other to eat a little less.

Mosaic this is my problem.2 kids, 1like a beanpole, one that hoovers up everything. One not interested in food or snacks, one overly interested.

Same family. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I would urge you not to make this about her weight and size... try to make food something fun that you share together. It might sound a bit 'airy fairy', but if you can move away from a snack chocolate bar to a homemade (healthier) food, it tackles the boredom and she is more likely to want to share it with others / show off about making it too. Same with main meals - try to encourage her to cook healthy meals with you and fill up on the fibre as that will keep her fuller for longer.

Lots of sympathy.
So difficult to talk about food with teens without making them feel ashamed. Also at her age she is able to buy whatever she likes outside of the home anyway.
I don’t think 300 calories worth of bars is too extreme between lunch and dinner but I suppose all those calories are “empty”. If you make a huge salad or carrot and hummus would she pick at that instead? Is it just what is easier to grab?