Is this worrying or normal behaviour for a 15 year old

[Hamnet]

My DD is just 15. I am really worried about her but I don’t know if her behaviour is normal or worrying. How do you decide what’s normal teenage stuff and what is signs of mental health problems?

She’s pretty withdrawn. She does spend time with us a family but says very little and doesn’t join in conversations. She’s seems unable to articulate anything and sounds unconfident whenever she speaks.

She shows very little enthusiasm for anything except her friends. You ask her how each day is and she says “ok” in a tiny flat voice even when they day has been filled with fun.

Whenever I speak to her she actually squirms with stress and sort of growls when I ask her to do stuff.

She spends an increasing amount of time in her room.

She shows no affection to any of us except the dog.

She gets very anxious over schoolwork and sort of freezes, unable to complete the task because school work “stresses her out.” She used to be very high achieving but her teachers say she isn’t doing as well as she used to in most subjects. She sort of tries but can’t seem to organise herself but hates me trying to help. I have seen her physically shaking due to school work stress.

She does run 5k each day as part of a sponsorship programme for Duke of Edinburgh and she swims with her school team 3x a week but nevertheless she’s putting on weight. She used to be very adventurous with food but now all she will eat is white carbs, junk food and crap.

She goes on and on about her friends but rarely actually arranged to see them. I know lockdown hasn’t helped but she rarely even arranged to go for a walk with them. Maybe once a week she sees someone out of school or swim club. She’s not often on her phone so they don’t chat much that way.

She’s just not her funny, kind, confident self anymore. She seems full of stress and self doubt but will accept no help or advice and she says she is fine.

I’m sorry you are experiencing this.

It sounds very similar to my 15 YO step daughter - some examples in our case (mother doesn’t think anything is wrong):

Withdrawn. Spends hardly any time with us as a family. Either in her room or watching a video on her phone with headphones in. No interaction with us whatsoever.

Won’t join in anything. She was coerced out to go for a walk recently and it was such a miserable hour for everyone as we put up with her mood, long face and not speaking to anyone.

Doesn’t join in any conversations, has absolutely nothing to say. It’s painful at dinner time as she sits in silence. Won’t join in at all. It’s the same with extended family, friends and neighbours. Just stands there starring at the floor.

As your daughter, can’t articulate anything and is unconfident when she speaks. Won’t look anyone in the eye while speaking, stirs at the ground. Has no options on anything.

Has no enthusiasm for anything. Has given up all the sports she used to do (couldn’t explain why she wanted to give up).

Has limited friends (who she never sees or speaks to). Won’t go out and meet anyone. Happier hanging round with much younger children.

Doesn’t want to do anything. Doesn’t want to learn to cook, doesn’t want pocket money, has no interest in being independent, doesn’t want to learn any life skills.

Shows no affection. Her dad tells her he loves her and attempts to hug her. It’s painful to watch - she almost freezes and doesn’t show any love or affection. I’ve never heard her say she loves anyone. Can’t even hug her grandparents.

Is quite rude at times - shows no empathy to anyone and can be quite cruel at times. She has no idea how her words can affect people.

Isn’t a high achiever in school. Has no get up & go, no dreams or goals.

Does no exercise. Won’t leave the house unless cohered.

Won’t shower unless asked numerous times. Has to be reminded to brush her teeth. Has really bad acne. Won’t accept any help, won’t wash her face, doesn’t seem interested in doing anything that might help.

In our case, her mother won’t acknowledge anything is wrong (apparently it’s only a problem here). My OH has tried talking to her - she just cries. He’s at the end of his tether. He’s reached out to social services to ask for help - who aren’t really interested in helping, but did interview her and have recommended school councilling.

Its a start but I don’t think she’ll get any help. Until she recognises there is a problem I’m not sure how much this will help, but it’s a start.

Can you reach out to the school?

Hi @Hamnet

I wanted to reply as we are going through something very similar with our 16 year old son.

He is very down at times, hates school, and has very low self esteem. He cries every other day at the moment.
He is in Y11 and has 6 weeks left at school - I am really hoping that he will start to feel better once that pressure goes.

Your description of the physical shaking rang bells as he does this too.

He is very open with and will talk to us about how he is feeling but I am worried about him and it is having an impact on the whole family. If things don't improve over the next few months we will be consulting our GP.
I think going through lockdown and not seeing friends or having things to look forward to has really impacted our young people.
I am a teacher and we have lots of students struggling with their mental health at the moment.

I would echo what @NorthernSpirit says and reach out to school. They will have a counselling service which they should be able to refer your daughter for.