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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

My teen and I barely talk to each other

28 replies

Currysauceandchips · 01/04/2021 14:21

My DD 14 is very different to me- nothing wrong with that if she towed the line. She gets into trouble at school, has detentions for arriving late to lessons, being rude to teachers, missing homework deadlines and being a bit of a bully. Her and her gang of mates laugh at people who aren't as cool as them and they come across as quite intimidating. She doesn't show any interest in family life and argues with me when I make simple requests, like putting her crockery in the dishwasher and bringing her washing down, which she ignores anyway so what's the point in me asking?
I am so tired of it all now that I just can't be bothered to talk to her anymore. I am quite introvert and cannot relate to her in the slightest, so we now barely speak. She thinks I nag and I think she is rude. When we are in the same room, we ignore each other. I just don't like her and I know she doesn't like me.
I can't wait for her to leave home.Blush

OP posts:
Temp023 · 01/04/2021 15:24

It must be a terrible thing to be 14 and know that your own Mother doesn’t like you.

LindaEllen · 01/04/2021 15:39

@Temp023

It must be a terrible thing to be 14 and know that your own Mother doesn’t like you.
Would you like her if she was yours? You can love your child without liking them/enjoying living with them. Many parent/child relationships improve dramatically when they're not under the same roof.
LizziesTwin · 01/04/2021 15:40

Sounds as if she’s hard to like, I’m sure you still love her. Hang in there xx

Ifeelmuchlessfat · 01/04/2021 18:03

Yes, hang in there.

You don’t have to be her friend, you’re her mum. Let school manage her there, and ignore how she behaves with her gang as ime they’re often horrible en masse.

Try also to find one or two positive things to say to her a day - even if it sounds pathetic to you ‘thanks for getting up without me having to nag’ or some such rubbish. Some kids really just need us to be nice to them when they’re being vile... she may not even like herself very much at the moment (horrible age 14).

The aim is to keep some contact and build on it slowly so the relationship doesn’t break down completely. Oh and read “get out of my life but first take me and Alex into town” it really helps.

She’ll be lovely in a couple of years.

junebirthdaygirl · 01/04/2021 18:56

Sometimes teens are testing you to see if you still love them and can be a right pain..the secret is to decide your love is unconditional and no matter what she does she will not drive you away. Alright to kick the wall when she is gone but while she is around begin each day afresh..make every opportunity to encourage her/ pass a compliment etc. You will get nothing back until one day she will crack.Be the mother you want to be rather than the one she is forcing you to be. I am speaking from experience here with my ds..and now in his 20s we have a fantastic relationship but it was tough going at times and it was only my determination that l would hang in there that kept me going. It's like they are wearing the shirt that says REJECT ME!! In big letters but your response is..NO!
Had all that school trouble etc but a great guy now. Hang in there.

HuaShan · 01/04/2021 20:18

My ds is now 19 so I'm through the other end now. I think the pp have it spot on, be her Mum, be consistent and find small points of contact even if it's not what you are interested in. Thankfully I didn't gave school issues to deal with bit all teens check out of family life for a bit, it's part of the separation process.
I found that watching Top Gear with ds, taking an interest in gaming and offering some lunches out kept us communicating.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 01/04/2021 20:22

Fantastic post Junebirthdaygirl! thank you. I am in the thick of loving but not liking one of my teens atm. It's very hard indeed.

Branleuse · 01/04/2021 20:34

Lifes pretty shit lately. Give each other a break maybe. Maybe youre both just depressed and fed up

Butwasitherdriveway · 01/04/2021 20:35

@Temp023

It must be a terrible thing to be 14 and know that your own Mother doesn’t like you.
What about OP and the way her teen treads her?
Original poster
Currysauceandchips · 01/04/2021 20:36

Thank you all for the supportive replies. I am so ground down with her that I find it hard to talk to her.
junebirthdaygirl I'm glad you found a way through- that gives me hope, but it feels like a long way off. She is definitely wearing that REJECT ME tshirt, but I feel like mine says OK. I DON'T CARE.
She reduced me to tears a couple of weeks ago, and for me that was the final straw. I have given up.

OP posts:
thefourgp · 01/04/2021 20:39

Is it just the two of you living together?

SnuggyBuggy · 01/04/2021 20:40

I think all you can do when things break down as much as this is try yo model good moral behaviour and hope some of it rubs off on them eventually.

HollowTalk · 01/04/2021 20:42

Fake it till you make it, OP, that's all you can do.

I think you need to find one point of contact every day. Personally I'd rather load the dishwasher myself than have a row, but there are things that I couldn't stand like rudeness. Make sure you limit your boundaries but stick to the ones that are really important to you.

Is there anything you could find that you have in common? I used to spend my evenings with my son watching crime docs - I could write an essay on gangs and police and so on. Every programme I watched had pixelated faces in it Grin Does she like reality programmes? Could you watch something - anything - with her just once a day or every other day, just so you have something to talk about?

I do think it's really important not to show her you dislike her. I know she's like that with you but you just have to be the bigger person. You'll get through it - this period doesn't go on forever.

Wearywithteens · 01/04/2021 20:47

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster
Currysauceandchips · 01/04/2021 21:03

*Wearywithteens

In order for her to behave like a civilised human being she needs to feel loved, noticed and valued. What do you do to make her feel that?*

I always have done in the past. This started during the first lockdown, when she started sneaking out of the house to meet with friends.
Reducing me to tears was humiliation when a neighbour brought her home, telling me what she had been up to with her mates- verbally abusing a couple of uncool girls in the park and throwing stones at them.

OP posts:
StopGo · 01/04/2021 21:10

Is her father involved at all? She really is pushing your buttons. All I have to offer is a virtual hug.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 01/04/2021 21:14

@Wearywithteens

I suspect that there is a 14 year back story here and my heart breaks for your dd. Bad behaviour is communication. She’s hurting. She might be behaving like a little shit but to just give up and claim that she’s the problem? She made you cry? Who is the adult? Who is supposed to be the parent here? I would love to hear your daughter’s side. In order for her to behave like a civilised human being she needs to feel loved, noticed and valued. What do you do to make her feel that?
WT
Ifeelmuchlessfat · 01/04/2021 21:14

@Wearywithteens might sound harsh but it’s true, you do just have to hang in there and be the parent. She’s only 14, it’s probably going to get worse before it gets better and whilst you can’t change her behaviour, you can change how you react to it.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 01/04/2021 21:15

WTF? that should be.

SandSeaBeach · 01/04/2021 21:22

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Wearywithteens · 01/04/2021 22:50

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Veryverycalmnow · 01/04/2021 23:14

This thread has made me dread DS turning into a teenager. I was a horrible teen, but all the time I still loved my parents and if I said something awful to them I always felt so upset afterwards. Maybe your DD feels bad afterwards but a combination of hormones and anxiety and pandemic must be dreadful for that age. I'm not excusing it though. The bullying/ anti social behaviour needs some serious consequences imo. Good luck.

broadstrokes · 01/04/2021 23:53

i just don't like her and I know she doesn't like me

You are allowed not to like her very much atm op but presumably you still love her?

I am so tired of it all now that I just can't be bothered to talk to her anymore

As wearying as it is, and unrewarding, you cannot just check out. Get some support for yourself if you need it and think you might be depressed. I get that it is very, very hard. Flowers

She is quite young, in my view, to be behaving this way. It does mean though that there is still time to turn this around What actions have you taken with the schools help to get her to arrive on time and hand in hwk?

I would be appalled that she is bullying others and throwing stones at people. If its remotely possible, my first step would be removing her from that group of friends, and putting her somewhere with higher expectations of behaviour. If that meant her moving schools then so be it. Peer pressure is so influential at this age , and she would be better off somewhere where that sort of behaviour is NOT cool. If she (and they) are like this now, what are they going to be doing in four years time? This needs to be nipped in the bud now.

To start with I would not be allowing her to hang around aimlessly in the park. Its very difficult during lockdown but I'd be making sure she was suddenly very busy. How does a 14 YR old sneak out? I'd be taking control of keys, lPhone, wi-fi, money etc. If she protests I'd be telling her that I loved her too much to be allowing her to let herself down like that and that I expected more of her. I'd be taking her volunteering (animal shelter?) and pulling in favours from extended family and friends to help to keep her busy.

Good luck op. I know its tough but her acting out now is a massive opportunity in a way to clamp down. Throwing stones is bad and could progress to something worse quite quickly. When the neighbours start getting involved its time to step up. Get some outside support for yourself too.

theworldsbiggestcrocodile · 02/04/2021 07:56

Just sending a virtual hug OP. I've got two DD's 13 and 15. Dd2 has been very challenging for the last year in the way you describe yours as being. Dd1 had been great but has been really unpleasant for the last two weeks-I think due to friend stuff at school, hormones, reacting to DD2-who knows? I could cope with one being like it but both at the same time is extremely distressing and draining.
As pp have said I try not to carry yesterday's emotion into today and just offer them drinks/lifts/whatever and try to ignore the unpleasant ness. I end most days in tears in my bedroom however and If I'm honest right now would be happy to have a few weeks away from the pair of them.

PrintempsAhoy · 02/04/2021 08:03

It sounds tough. I am surprised that you feel humiliation rather than anger at her bullying snd assaulting other kids

this is the kind of behaviour that crossed the line and she needs to know that this could be a police matter (throwing stones)

Find your inner anger.

And in good times (good days) remind her (and yourself) that you love her (even if you do not like her much right now)