Y13 - 18yo. Is it reasonable to have a curfew?

[LynetteScavo]

DS will turn 18 as we come out of lockdown.

He's doing a BTEC so will need to keep going into college for a couple of months after his birthday, and will need to be up by 8am to get to college.

DS seems to think he'll be able to come home at any time he likes once he's 18. After being so restricted for so long, and with the arrival of warmer weather, I'm worried he might go a bit feral. Is it reasonable to tell him needs to be in by a certain time? (The street lights go off here at midnight so I don't want him out later than that).
He has friends a year older who have a 1am curfew (well, they did last summer when they were allowed out) but they drive so weren't going home by bike.

Is it reasonable to give an 18yo a curfew if they are still in education?

I never had a set time for any of my dc.
It would depend what they were doing and where they were and how they were getting home.
If he's needing to be up and out every morning, then he needs to be home before midnight quite a lot, but sometimes young adults have to work that out for themselves.

I think anyone living as part of a family ought to respect that others will worry about them, and ought to give an idea of their plans and how they will be coming home and what sort of time they will be home. I'd expect that of my dh and I'd certainly let my family know that about me. I think you should expect that of adult dc.
However they will do daft things like wanting to see the latest Marvel film's first showing which starts at midnight. Or "need" to queue up for the release of some new gadget at some point, and they need to get those things out their system.
Also, you have to remember that up until March 2020 anyway pubs stay open a lot later than in our day. Also that nobody goes out to clubs and fashionable bars until after bedtime. Most yound people will want o sample these things even if it doesn't become a habit later.

So, no, I wouldn't give him a 'fixed time' because 'it depends'.

When my DD was in year 13 she only really went out at the weekends (unless it was a gig) as had to get up early for school.
I didn’t give her a curfew for parties but asked her to let me know what time she’d be back/if she wanted to be picked up
Or was getting an Uber or lift. I tended to stay awake until she got back anyway. Covid struck before end of Yr13 while she was in prime party zone ofc! We had a few nights when we didn’t know what was going on & I explained it was stressful for us and we needed to know how she was getting home.

Well if the curfew is because of him having to be up for college and because you're worrying then I don't think it's fair. He will be an adult and he has to learn to get himself up and make a good choice about when to go to bed, and you will be worrying whatever age he is because hes your son, and as hard as it is he shouldn't have to come home earlier than he wants to so you aren't worrying. He should 100 % be doing his fair share in the household because it's your house and hes not a child anymore so cant have it both ways and go out all night but think you'll have his tea ready to heat up when he wants it or that you'll have made his bed or whatever. He shouldnt come crashing in at at 2 AM every night bothering everyone who is trying to sleep, he shouldn't be drunk around everyone and being sick all over the bathroom, and he should say if he is going to be late but he will be an adult so it's really normal that he'll not want to leave his friends in a club at just after 11 PM so he can get home before his curfew.

I moved out when I was 18. I couldn't imagine giving my DC curfews at that age. They are an adult, regardless of if they are in full time education or not.

Also, to add, I did always let my mum know where I was when I was over 16 so she didn't worry if I wasn't in. But I had no curfew.

Hes an adult...leave him be.

My children had curfews until they left home to go to Uni, and when they returned in the holidays I just expected them to let me know if they were coming home or not when they went out.
The curfews were because I didn't want to have to spend hours worrying about them, rather than anything else. I think its common courtesy for everyone who lives together to not cause stress for others. My kids would ask us what time we’d be home if we went for a night out 🤣🤣.

OP, as my dear old dad used to say, your house, your rules! That being said, a 7pm curfew would be pretty rubbish...

It's likely he won't stay out too late during the week; as with people at work, those in education get tired and need a decent night's sleep. Friday and Saturday nights may be different depending on what he does. If he goes to a party or to a venue a bit further away he will be later but weekends are for enjoying.

Play it by ear. If you are strict about curfews, youngsters become nervous if they miss a 'bus making them late. You have to be flexible but if he's a sensible boy I don't think you need to worry.

I never gave mine a curfew even when he was at school. I just said, "Don't be too late, you have school tomorrow", and hoped for the best. It all worked out OK.

I remember my parents reading the riot act if I was five minutes later than 10.30. If I had difficulties getting home, like a transport delay or cancellation, I was scared. At times I didn't go home, it was easier to stay out all night; then they 'phoned the police! I kid you not. That's why I was flexible with mine and am glad I was. If he was stuck somewhere he only had to 'phone and would be picked up but that didn't happen often.

Please don't worry about this. There's nothing you can do about it anyway, your son is grown up now.

Is he going away to uni in the autumn? He could be out at all hours and you'd be none the wiser.
Does he have his driving license or will he be using public transport and relying on lifts from friends?

He's not going away to uni- he's "taking a year off" to work his two part time jobs and do his sport. He was planing on going professional, but due to an injury last summer, where the surgeon who couldn't operate bluntly told him he would now never be professional and the lack of being able to practice this past year and probably that he's just not good enough but I'd never actually say that out loud so I need to let him process that or give it his best shot.

I think my grumble is that he's out late every night working at the and it's tiring mit being able to sleep before I know he's home safe. (I can't fault his work ethic he works every moment he's not at college) and when the gym is open he'll be at the all night gym after work, which I was very uncomfortable with when he was 17.5. If it was just partying at weekends I wouldn't be so exhausted.

I had to phone him at 12:30am this week to ask where he was- and to point out the streetlights weren't on, he had no bike lights and no helmet. He was apparently at a friends house. Who turned out to be a girl, he was being friendly with, and then was friendly with another girl the next day.

He thinks he's so big and clever (his college report I received in the post was very good and he's earning an awful lot for someone his age) but he's just behaving like a complete dick, and in my head he's about 11 years old.

Maybe I'll get myself some sleeping tablets for his 18th birthday

Well, with the additional information, I don't think it would be reasonable to give him any sort of curfew, no.

Yes, he needs to come in quietly, but you can't blame him for the fact you can't get off to sleep. The fact he is working every night is quite different from being out hanging around street corners each night, IMVHO.