I am not being unreasonable am I?

[malificent7]

Dd, 12 has lots of freedom to go out with her friends but i do expect her to be back by a certain time or call me if late. If she dosn't then i call her friends, or their mums and impose sanctions. Apparently I am controlling and wont let her breathe. In my eyes I am more than generous and expect her to conform to boundaries. In her eyes she wont get atracked as she's in a group and our town is safe. In my eyes this is irrelevent...she is not invincible and needs to toe the line.
Fed up with tantrums about

Definitely not unreasonable but I dont know what to say to convince her otherwise. Other than they usual I'm not interested in other parents rules etc. Only care about you.

They don't hear it even when you say it.

Have a chat about trust and privileges and if you can't understands that you trust her then she will have to have some privileges removed if she break the trust.

If she dosn't then i call her friends, or their mums and impose sanctions.

Do you call her first?

My dd was useless at that age she never answered phone and I had to go to park several times to find her.

Now she is 15 and a lot more considerate. (Mostly)

You're not being unreasonable at all. You agree a time with her to be back. If she's not back by then and doesn't call to explain a good reason why, then there has to be a consequence.

When do you ask her to be back by and is she embarrassed because she has to be back earliest of all her friends? Maybe come to a compromise between you. But she still has to understand that when something is agreed she has to keep up her end of the deal otherwise she's going to lose out on something somewhere else.

I remember those days having to go out and find him.... he realised pretty quickly if he wasn't back on time I'd turn up in my pjs in the car looking for him 😂

He always answered my calls after a few of those events!

Yanbu

I've had similar problems with my dd.

They need to realise the way to get to stay out longer or do more stuff is not to return home late full of excuses lies and playing the victim, but to do what's been asked of them consistently and without fuss. Then when trust has been earned more will be extended.

If they can't manage that they don't get to do anything

No you are not being unreasonable.

We always have a leeway time of 10 minutes. 10 minutes late doesn't count as late. Any longer and the time is taken off their next time out and so they have less time with their friends. If they do it 3 times in a row then they're grounded for a day.

They tried arguing about it to begin with, but finally accepted that those are the rules. Sometimes it's worth coming home later and missing out on time the next day but they know they chose that.

This way works well as there's no arguments about time anymore. I'm not on their back chasing him down with phone calls. If it hits 8:30pm though I'd worry as I know all friends are definitely home by then. Thankfully we haven't hit that point.

Yes i call her before i start calling round.
She feels suffocated apparently!

@malificent7

Yes i call her before i start calling round. She feels suffocated apparently!

She's just being melodramatic. It's the start of the teens and she likes the taste of freedom.

Have a frank discussion about how it works both ways and that freedom comes with responsibilities to others. She can have freedom, even negotiate some more, if she can show that she can be trusted to act like the young adult she so wants to be.

It's always the my friends can do this and that but I can't line lol. What time do you expect her back at home?

And they you speak to the parents and they say the same...

Yes....apparently I am abusive and manipulative and she feels suicidal because of me ( now she is happily chuntering away in the bath without a care in the world!).

Yanbu- she’s playing on your emotions.

At 12 if she’s not complying just keep her in. One missed opportunity should help her realise you are serious. Be prepared for more pre teen soap operas worthy am dram!

12 you have a long road ahead.
What time do you let her out too
How far from house is she
Do you know who she with.
My dd started going out in town with friends at 16. I didn't know her friends and it kept expanding but I kept at her to know she was safe and she now understands it was for her safety.

Melodramatic and immature. (Typical teen!)

Tell her that if she doesn't toe the line, then it simply demonstrates she isn't mature enough to be trusted. I agree that freedom comes with responsibilities.

If you are allowed out and told to be home by 8.00pm then you make sure you are home by 8.00pm.

Otherwise you're not allowed out. And when you are allowed out again, then it's been reduced to 7.30pm until you demonstrate that you are responsible enough to stick to agreed rules.

Purely as an example.

Is she y7 or y8. I'd say she has a lot of freedom! My 11 year old won't even stay on house alone!

I agree that she has plenty of freedom...im all for it and when it gets lighter it will be easier but she does not communicate well.