My DD is 20 and at university. She is quite up and down mentally - lockdown has not been great for her - her friendships have been disrupted, she has quite a few relationship dramas and being very sociable misses the normal student things - clubbing and partying.
We are very close. Her Dad and I divorced 13 years ago after he had multiple affairs. He's been a good Dad in terms of being reliable but I have effectively done everything for the kids from school, to university applications, student finance and supporting them through friendship difficulties etc. My DD loves her Dad but recognises his limitations and when she turned 16 or 17 became very disappointed and upset about how he had behaved towards me and them as little kids - lying his way out of spending time with us as a family to be with his illicit girlfriend, pretending to visit his sick Mum etc. That ended up in divorce when her and her brother were 7 and 5. And she was very judgey and principled about faithfulness and people having affairs both married people and people her age.
But yesterday she told me that she was pissed off with a very close friend of hers - probably her best friend - for saying that they don't feel comfortable with what she's doing. Effectively she is regularly sleeping with a boy who she previously went out with who now has a girlfriend. DD's best friend said - 'I'm not judging and I do care about you, but I have to be honest and say I'm not comfortable with what you're doing. You know how hurt I was when I found out my boyfriend was repeatedly cheating on me.' My DD was telling me that she was very upset that 'everyone keeps judging me' and she is saying that she has mental health issues that she is dealing with via her counselling and this is one of the issues she is addressing.
My DD has history with this guy. She got together with him early last year when she knew he was casually seeing someone else. She got a huge amount of flak for it from a lot of girls and lost friendships over it. He seemed to sail along getting no abuse for it at all. He swore to her that he adored her and his feelings for her were different and they went out for a while but he started cooling off quite quickly and then became colder and colder until she called it and realised he'd started seeing someone else. She was very upset about it and I spent a lot of time mopping up her tears. Then she had a lovely sociable summer at home and had a new boyfriend etc which came to and end when she returned to university and finished it with him.
But its now apparent that she's been sleeping with this guy again fairly regularly whilst he has a girlfriend. Despite claiming she's through with guys and doesn't want relationships anymore, she wants a break. I know its not any of my business and I certainly did a lot of silly or less than perfect things when I was her age but I just feel disappointed in her for a number of reasons. She knows he is not a good guy and that he is disrespecting his girlfriend and her by sleeping with them both (if not other people as well). She knows he has form for this. They are also not always having safe sex - not sensible at the best of times both with regard to sexual health and STIs and risk of pregnancy but clearly not good at all when she knows he is sleeping around. I know this as she confided in me that she was a bit worried she might be pregnant (she's since found out she isn't) and I have been telling her she really must sort it out. She was on the pill but came off it because she thought it was making her depressed.
She is very up and down and can get very depressed - which is why I sorted out counselling for her - and it just seems stupid for her to let herself get involved with him again and not stick to guys who are single and will treat her right or take a break from them all together. Although I know she struggles with depression I also think she's using it as an excuse as if she can't help the choices she is making. She is very gorgeous and has lots of guys after her. And finally I'm unhappy because its just not a good way to treat other women. I'm a feminist, and I believe in treating people how you would like to be treated. She already got a bad name last year for getting together with him and I'm sure if it all comes to light there will be a lot of women who are judging her again. Meanwhile she has also had flings with at least one of his housemates who may or may not have girlfriends.
So when she told me last night about being upset with her best friend I just sent a text saying 'Please don't be mad at your friends who care about you enough to be honest with you. They just want you to be with someone who doesn't disrespect his girlfriend and you and all the other women he's treated this way. You know whatever happens the people who care about you will always be there for you and love you. But please please protect yourself ....... (I went onto say in terms of sexual health and pregnancy and emotionally). I then finished with 'I love you and I'm not judging you. But if you're mad at best friend you're getting mad at the wrong person. I just want the best for you.'
Of course I know that part of why I feel disappointed is because of my back history with her father. My DD confides in me way more than I would have done with my Mum so in many ways I shouldn't really know all about this. But I do and it makes me feel sad, I feel like she's not taking responsibility for her actions. And in the end I'm the one who she turns to when she gets really upset that everyone's being horrible to her or the guy dumps her. Calls at 2am, desperate crying, needing to come home etc.
I'm guessing I have to just let her make her own mistakes and learn from them and always be there for her. Because she can be so fragile I don't feel like I can say what I really feel - she will react very badly. But I think that is as much to do with her guilt and knowing it's not the right way to behave.
Thoughts? Please be kind. She's not a bad person and nor am I. My life is very stressful right now and I have a lot of people who are relying on me for support. I'm moving house and my job is insecure so its not an easy time for me.