I'm not a horrible person, am I?

[FeelingUnsureNow]

I've been a mum for 22 years and my youngest is 14 (girl). My ex and I used to have our two that are still at home 50/50 but for her own reasons, my daughter decided a few months ago that only wanted to stay at mine. We agreed to it so long as she started being happier as she's been a grump for a good few years now. The problem with this arrangement is her relationship with me and her 16 year old brother. She bullies him constantly and she's not particularly nice to me. Typical teen girl I guess. Self absorbed and nothing I do is good enough. I'm holding down two jobs to pay the very large mortgage I have until our family home is sold. My ex has run out of savings and I'm now paying the mortgage on the family home that he is living in as well. I have a bf that I only see once or twice a week for a few hours. My house is pretty clean and tidy but my daughter is constantly criticising me. According to her, I don't keep things as clean as I should, I don't keep enough good for in the house, I spend too much time with my bf, I don't do enough for her etc
I haven't been as good a mum as once before - I know this, but I am managing PTSD from my ex's treatment of me, recovering from depression and I'm perimenopausal.
I want a break from her. She is making my home environment miserable at a time when I'm trying to pick my life up after 20 difficult years with her dad. I long for her to spend a regular night or two at her dad's but she refuses with the main reason being that she doesn't like how dirty his house is. Am I being unreasonable to want some time away from her. We clash horribly most of the time and it's really draining the life out of me.

I don't know what your life was like with your ex, but the child sounds traumatised.

Telling her to 'be happier' as a condition of living with you is appalling.

Pushing her to spend time in the soke company of a man who left you with ptsd is unspeakable.

She needs someone to take her part, to help her work through things, and you need to put her needs before yours.

She has a whole life still to live, she needs a good start, aided by people who are willing to give her the time, tools, and outlook to do well.

Shippi g her off to her father is not likely to be in best interests.

Is there another relative she can stay with over Easter?

And before the Covid obsessives jump in, that sort of visit would absolutely be allowed.

Ok, maybe I didn't explain myself. My kids have a good relationship with their father and they are at no risk in his care. He had a delusional disorder where I was there trigger and we separated amicably. It was very sad and the kids are pretty balanced. They saw very little (if any) of the delusional side of their father. We didn't bribe her with happiness as the carrot. We agreed to get request to go from 50/50 to 11/3 because she said it would make her happier. She did two visits to her dad, wasnt any happier so we then agreed to her not stressing with her dad. She is spoilt. I know this. As the only girl from 4, we are guilty of indulging her.
She is mean to her brother because she's a sports nut and he's a gamer. That's fine. We all have differences but she just picked all the time. She tells him he's gay, he smells, he's pathetic, his friends suck etc. Rarely a nice word and she's had him in tears note than once.
She controls me and this seems to get worse when her brother is at their dad's. If I go out, she won't come but then stalks me. She complains there's no food in the house but if I go and do a big shop, she says I neglect her and I'm only shopping because her brother is coming home. I take too long when I go out. I work too much. I don't love her enough. She wants a cat. She wants a fish. She hates the dog. She refuses outright to speak to anyone about her moods. Apparently I'm overreacting.
I don't know. Maybe I'm in the wrong. Maybe I need to stop being sensitive and letting her upset me. It's just really hard when I'm constantly being belittled and criticised.... For everything.
Thanks if you've read this far.

Sorry. So many auto correct errors in that last post.

Well you and her brother don't have to meekly accept her criticisms do you? Tell her it's not the way to treat people and it needs to stop. Apply consequences. She sounds troubled but she doesn't have to take it out on other people.

You point out a lot of bad behaviour but where are the consequences? You admit she is spoilt, how are you changing this? From what you have said above, you need to actually parent her.

She's reacting to trauma (and criticising the safe consistent parent), even if the trauma happened directly to you, she has been affected. Hang on in there OP, she needs a caring and boundaries parent for a good few years yet. If you pull away she'll feel unsafe and act out more. Instead, up the expectations, boundaries and also the positive praise and attention. The great thing is she is 14 so her brain is reforming and things will get better. I am sorry for what you have been through and hope that you can find a different way to get some respite, but please don't make her go to Dad's.

Sorry but why are you paying for your Ex's house too? That has to stop, it sounds like you take on everyone else's problems as your own.

I would come down hard on her for bullying her brother, homophobic slurs are not acceptable.
Mother wise she sounds like she's in pain and is pushing her boundaries to see if she will be rejected. Hard as it is you need to be there for her, her world has changed and sounds like it is changing with your house on the market. You are her constant and she needs love and boundaries.

You are not horrible to want time to yourself, it's quite normal to feel like that but you cannot make your daughter stay overnight at her dad's. Make the most of the time she is there and perhaps go out in the evening sometimes.

I don't know what your housing situation is but if you have two rooms downstairs, make one of those your own - comfy, books, TV etc. At a push you could do that if you don't have two sitting rooms but a kitchen diner - of course she would go in there to the fridge or to make tea but you could tell her that is your own 'quiet' place and ask her to be quiet around you at times.

Honestly, I see no other solution. It would of course be difficult if you wanted to entertain someone and have them stay overnight at some point - I think you would have to go to theirs.

One consolation is that your daughter is growing up so it won't last forever.

Suggest to your ex that he gets someone in to clean!

Does your DD help with household chores? If she does nothing then she's hardly in a position to criticise you. Could you ask her for help in changing things for the better?Work together to give the house a good top to bottom clean and reward her with some pocket money or a treat of some kind?

cameocat, the family home is in both our names but the mortgage is in mine. Because he's depleted his savings, he's been falling short on the mortgage payments. The house is going on the market next month subject to fixing a free things and cleaning it up a lot.
I don't mind her living here with me permanently. I just feel sorry for how I think she'll feel when she's older. She and her dad get along well and she's always asking him to do things for her. Eg lifts to friends, plazas, deliver some sweets to her here at our house. But then she outright refuses to stay with him. It just doesn't seem fair on anyone though at least Mr 16 gets a break from it.

cameocat, sorry that was supposed to say fat, not gay