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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

16 year old boy screen addiction

29 replies

notveryhappyhere · 20/03/2021 08:56

Please help.

Since lockdown and online lessons my teenage boy has spent all day in bed on his laptop. We try to get him to sit at his desk but he soon moves back to bed.

All work needs to be completed online so we can’t take the laptop off him and revision/homework means he still needs it after school. We both work so can’t be policing him all day.

But he’s not being doing school work. He’s been missing homework, not doing what he needs to do. He’s in GCSE year. This has only come out in the last 2/3 weeks.

He says he goes on his laptop to switch off as he’s so stressed. To escape, he says. He watches Netflix/YouTube/audio books but I am concerned there’s something else going on.

He’s lost interest in anything. Won’t do any exercise. Doesn’t seem to want to meet up with friends. He does but then comes home very quickly. I even got him a new PS4 game his friends were playing to encourage interaction but he’s not interested.

He also lies. Has sneaked his electronics bank when we take them off him at night. Had an old hidden phone. Says he’s met with a friend when he hasn’t.

Any discussion is met with rage and he’s a syringe character. We’ve tried to go easy on him the last 2 weeks after he said he was really stressed with school. Tried to trust him but we’ve just had a really poor school report which highlights how little he’s been doing.

He has always had a lazy introverted streak but lockdown seems to have amplified it massively.

Unfortunately where we are he’s now got until mid April until he’s in school. He’s had had no school since before Christmas.

I am tearing my hair out and sad and worried.

OP posts:
Original poster
notveryhappyhere · 20/03/2021 12:45

I’m hoping someone can help - a hopeful bump.

I’ve confiscated phone and laptop and the shit has really hit the fan. My husband made the mistake of giving him his phone back earlier “to listen to an audiobook” and right enough when I went to see him (he was in the garden) he was on his phone again. He lies and lies. Angry

I am a “majorly controlling parent with issues” apparently.

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Howmanysleepsnow · 20/03/2021 12:57

Have you checked his internet history/ call log/ emails/ Snapchat/ YouTube search history?
My DS was similar so is now only allowed laptop etc in the room I’m in, but can call friends in private. He was mostly chatting with friends on discord, or looking at naked women Hmm Angry
Your DS sounds potentially more worrying given the hidden phone and lies about where he’s been though. I’d want to know what he was up to.

Original poster
notveryhappyhere · 20/03/2021 13:19

Thanks yes I think we need to do that. He’s not actually been anywhere so I’m not worried about that just online... he says just YouTube. 🤔

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Original poster
notveryhappyhere · 20/03/2021 13:24

He was punished over half term with a weeks ban on electronics. This was after we discovered the hidden phone. He then just read about 20 books on his kindle over the week and stayed in bed all day doing that. He’s locked himself in his room now and was in tears (angry) when I went to talk to him. Exam stress, he says. Told his dad to F off earlier as he’d sneaked his laptop in (now also confiscated). I’ve left him just now to cool down.

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Original poster
notveryhappyhere · 20/03/2021 13:24

@Howmanysleepsnow how old was your son?

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MissFlite · 20/03/2021 13:28

Honestly, if he's losing interest in things you would expect him to enjoy he might be spiralling into depression. It's very easy to put such behaviours down to teenage angst but if you even suspect it's more than that, get help sooner rather than later. I have direct experience of this, unfortunately :(

Original poster
notveryhappyhere · 20/03/2021 13:36

@MissFlite thanks. That’s what I think too. Do you think counselling? I’ve tried a couple of places but they have 2 month waiting lists. I’ve not spoken to the GP. Maybe I should. It’s been a slow decline but the last 6 weeks has been more obvious.

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PersimmonTree · 20/03/2021 13:38

Poor kid. Their lives have been destroyed. Mine is same age and since lockdown has done exactly the same, minus the lying, he has just totally shut down. I am going to wait till May, and if these restrictions mean he can still have no balance in his life, I will get him psychological support.

Helloyouthere · 20/03/2021 13:46

Could you say to him that although he might not want too could he spend a hour downstairs, or go for a walk, go food shopping with you? Just something small. Once hes done it it'll make him feel a bit better and work up from there Flowers

Howmanysleepsnow · 20/03/2021 13:56

My son is a couple of months shy of 16. Similar behaviour but not angry or low (though he tells me he’s the only one of his friends who isn’t!)

Original poster
notveryhappyhere · 20/03/2021 13:58

Thanks everyone. ❤️ I feel like such a bad parent. I’m a teacher too and work with teenagers every day! I feel like I’ve allowed this situation to develop. It’s been like watching a car crash in slow motion.

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RolandOnTheRopes · 20/03/2021 14:00

I would call Young Minds (after the weekend):

Call the Parents Helpline: 0808 802 5544 (Monday to Friday 9.30am – 4pm, free for mobiles and landlines)

Take a look at their website, many teenagers/young people really struggling.
youngminds.org.uk/

MissFlite · 20/03/2021 14:04

Try your GP, you would probably be referred to CAMHS but honestly it's not much use if you want help immediately, waiting lists are often horribly long. If you can fund private therapy it's worth it.

MissFlite · 20/03/2021 14:05

I'm going to DM you if that's ok?

Original poster
notveryhappyhere · 20/03/2021 14:19

Thanks everyone, so so much. Yes we can fund privately, luckily. He’s a natural introvert so I was never worried about him needing his own space (I’m the same) but it’s too much now. I was gutted when they didn’t go back to school here unlike England.

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MissFlite · 20/03/2021 14:27

Where are you @notveryhappyhere?

Original poster
notveryhappyhere · 20/03/2021 14:28

Sorry I’d rather not say unless it affects advice.

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MissFlite · 20/03/2021 14:33

Ok no worries I will DM you

Original poster
notveryhappyhere · 20/03/2021 14:37

Thanks @MissFlite ❤️

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SorryPardonWhat · 20/03/2021 15:48

Is there anything he's looking forward to? A holiday? Christmas? Being able to have a friend / cousin over? What makes him happy ? (Apart from YouTube). If he can't think of anything maybe he is depressed. Poor lad.

We have had to ban YouTube Monday to Friday, but easier for us as DS is 8.

Original poster
notveryhappyhere · 20/03/2021 16:25

Hi, his older brother is coming back from university next week and I’ve secretly rented a hot tub as a surprise for 2 weeks. We are going away to the south west in July and hopefully somewhere hotter in October, if we can. I think he would enjoy visiting his brother in the summer.

I think he’s been left out of a few things with friends which had added to his feeling bad. They’re the “cool” group which he’s just on the cusp of. He’s got nicer friends in a less cool group but it stings all the same, I think.

Just had a really good chat with him and it turns out he’s been watching and reading anime which he’s really embarrassed about. He says it’s mocked and he has laughed at a friend for it before. Confused He was so animated talking about all the plots etc....

So we talked about getting a balance. Dealing with school work so as not to bury his head in the sand. Mental health is more important than GCSEs but he would kick himself later if he didn’t try his best. We also talked about a monetary bribe for grades (he likes saving money). Probably awful parenting but needs must!

He’s gone to walk the dog and I’ve given him his phone for 2 hours...

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Applejack87 · 20/03/2021 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SorryPardonWhat · 21/03/2021 07:25

I think it sounds like excellent parenting! You listened to him, talked to him, discussed anime plots, helped him make plans to handle his work etc. I say well done you.

shellieholly · 21/03/2021 15:42

Hello there - so pleased to hear you've managed to connect. I had a similar issue with DD - in the end, as well as facing what she was embarrassed about and feared, I made sure that there is a 'slot' in my week/day for her and me alone. No phones, screens, DD2 interference. Most of the time we just watch something, but it often becomes a discussion about something she's worried about. She knows its 'sound off' time, and it also gives her something in the non-digital world to focus on.
I'll also add: No gaming or YouTube in her room. Spot checks on phones, and she's now limiting her social media to 2 hours because SHE sees how it's crushing her mental health. It's taken us about a year to pull her out of her isolation.
I was told:
-Set boundaries & stick to them no matter how many doors are slammed. There are consequences for breaking the laws, but there are no boundaries on the internet. There are consequences for breaking 'home rules'. This will give them habits to see them right as they move on to Uni.

-It doesn't matter how far things go wonky, turning up and guiding them back to the main path is all the reassurance they - and you - need.

Good luck :D

Original poster
notveryhappyhere · 22/03/2021 08:28

Thank you everyone so so much ❤️ We organised his notes for study last night and he seems pretty positive. I spoke to him about balance and he seems to get that concept. Now he knows we’re not banning him he’s calmed down. I think the blowout was maybe a good thing, let off some steam.

I have contacted a counsellor for him and I’m speaking to him today so we’ll see how that goes.

We’re going through his report tonight but I’ve told him we’re looking forward not back.

We’ve a couple of things in the diary for him this week but he’s still preferring to isolate himself from his friends.

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