Think my daughter (14) called Samaritans last night - help

[redblonde]

I saw my daughter's phone this morning (it goes downstairs overnight) and I could see in the notifications on screen that she's had a message from her friend saying something along the lines of "well done, you were brave to call, I'm glad they were nice". So I checked her browser history and she'd googled suicide, and the Samaritans.

I've spoken to someone at Young Minds today for help and I know I need to talk about it but I just don't know how to. Do I admit to snooping and risk losing her trust at a time it is vital?

She's been a bit listless at times and grumpy, but it felt like usual teenage behaviour compounded by lockdown. She seems to enjoy life, she love to watch anime and in fact shared one with me yesterday, she had good friendships and her first "boyfriend relationship" seems to be going well. When we clash its generally because of school work, I didn't feel she was putting much effort in during lockdown and she fell behind with work. When we have that kind of argument she talks about feeling like she is a disappointment to us, but I didn't realise it was so bad. I just don't know what to do - if anyone has any advice I'd love to hear it. Thanks

I'm really sorry for how you feel and I cant imagine how you must feel. Her reaching out is a good step. Xx

Thanks for replying. I’m waiting for her to come back from school so we can talk. You are right, at least she reached out to someone.

Thanks x

I am so pleased that Samaritans were there for her. They are an exceptional organization. And pleased that she has a close friend who is also supporting her and would seem to be saying the right things.

I understand your dilemma, especially about wanting to maintain her trust over the "snooping" - I would not see it as that, you are just trying to protect your child, but she may see it differently of course.

I just wanted to extend a friendly hug, as we as a family have faced something very similar with my DGD. I know how worrying it can be. At least with my DGD her feelings and thoughts were very much out in the open and we were able to deal with them - as far as anyone can. The difficulty for you is that you do not know the cause of her low mood, and it is often hard to winkle this out in a way that a teenager will find acceptable. Part of being a teenager is breaking away from dependence on your parents and gentle probing is hard to achieve.

She clearly needs to know that you do not see her as a disappointment and I am sure that you have done all you can to get that across to her. During this lockdown lots of young people feel they might be falling behind, but it is worth making sure that she realises that all her contemporaries are in the same boat, so in a sense none of them can fall behind.

How are things at school for her? Are there staff there that you feel you can trust? Are there counselling services? Might a confidential word with school be an option, so they can just keep a weather eye on her?

There is an organization that teens can text for help - it has some wacky name that I cannot remember - sorry! I hope that someone else on here will know it.

I send you lots of good wishes and hope very much that you can get to the bottom of this and find a source of help for her.

Absolutely contact the Pastoral or similar team at school and get some support. They'll know how to get your DD some help within school.
Massive hugs.

I'm so sorry to hear this but it's good to know she's reached out in some form. Perhaps instead of tackling it head on with her, could you maybe take a bit of pressure off her re schoolwork and maybe plan some things she enjoys doing with you? Even if it's just a girly night in some junk food and a movie of her choice. It might lift her spirits a bit and also enforces that her mum is always there for her. Seeking help from other places like pp have suggested is also important. Wishing you and your daughter luck xx

Thanks for all your messages, I thought I'd update after our conversation yesterday. We had a really good talk, and I think it was open and honest, as far as I can tell. She had used the webchat version the Samaritans are testing out, and although she was feeling a bit down, she said it was more like testing how it worked in case she ever really needed it. She was happy to tell me what she said and what they replied. We talked about where the "down" feeling come from - it seems they come from a couple of places, not feeling good enough for us, so we've talked about that, and also losing faith that her friends like her. She'd been off sick and said that her friends hadn't asked where she was (although she did acknowledge some had, but perhaps not in the way she wanted them to) so she took that and in her mind it became "maybe they just don't like me as much as I like them, maybe they are happier when I'm not in the group" She said lockdown has meant that she finds it harder to talk to some people, but we talked about a solid core of friends she had.

She definitely didn't want to talk about counselling, but has agreed she will talk to me if things feel bad (not sure how that will actually pan out but certainly at the time she meant it!) She did say that her suicide thoughts/googling weren't "real" but could see why I was so scared. She gave me the whole "I'm not stupid" you know, which, while a bit sneery, I was glad to hear!

So, much calmer today, thinking of small things we can do together (films/bit of baking was mentioned) and just vowing to keep those communication lines open. Its another way that lockdown has had an effect - when she and I would drive to see my mum it was 2 hours in the car and we would have generally good chats - she'd play me her music etc. We've not done that in a year due to lockdown. Hopefully after mid April we can start again!

Thanks

That is such good news - well done!

I have remembered the organisation I mentioned above - it is Kooth.com and is aimed at young people.

That's good news OP. Samaritans aren't just there for crisis either, they talk about depression/ anxiety etc aswell.

@MinnieJackson

That's good news OP. Samaritans aren't just there for crisis either, they talk about depression/ anxiety etc aswell.

That’s good to know, as she seemed comfortable talking to them. It’s strange but she’s like a different girl this week. Think hormones are playing a huge part in mood lows and highs.

@Mischance

I am so pleased that Samaritans were there for her. They are an exceptional organization. And pleased that she has a close friend who is also supporting her and would seem to be saying the right things.

I understand your dilemma, especially about wanting to maintain her trust over the "snooping" - I would not see it as that, you are just trying to protect your child, but she may see it differently of course.

I just wanted to extend a friendly hug, as we as a family have faced something very similar with my DGD. I know how worrying it can be. At least with my DGD her feelings and thoughts were very much out in the open and we were able to deal with them - as far as anyone can. The difficulty for you is that you do not know the cause of her low mood, and it is often hard to winkle this out in a way that a teenager will find acceptable. Part of being a teenager is breaking away from dependence on your parents and gentle probing is hard to achieve.

She clearly needs to know that you do not see her as a disappointment and I am sure that you have done all you can to get that across to her. During this lockdown lots of young people feel they might be falling behind, but it is worth making sure that she realises that all her contemporaries are in the same boat, so in a sense none of them can fall behind.

How are things at school for her? Are there staff there that you feel you can trust? Are there counselling services? Might a confidential word with school be an option, so they can just keep a weather eye on her?

There is an organization that teens can text for help - it has some wacky name that I cannot remember - sorry! I hope that someone else on here will know it.

I send you lots of good wishes and hope very much that you can get to the bottom of this and find a source of help for her.

Is it Kooth?

Oh OP I know how hard this is. I've been through something a little similar with DS.

It's fantastic that your DD was able to talk to you, and that she contacted the Samaritans.

I know that feeling of being stuck between the utter terror of what may be going on in your child's mind, and wanting to believe that they are mostly ok and are just having a blip (which of course may be the case).

Things that I have learned:

Papyrus are a charity who are incredibly helpful. They are aimed at young people with thoughts of suicide and their parents. I've called them a few times and they have been wonderfully helpful, both in terms of support and practical advice.

DS said he didn't want to talk to anyone but actually he did talk to the school counsellor and found it very very helpful.

I'm glad I discussed my concerns with school. They were extremely helpful and supportive.

In our case getting back to school seems to have been enormously helpful to DS. As a 14 year old only child the effects of lockdown have been huge, in ways that maybe I can't understand.

Consider having an agreed plan in place with DD for if she feels overwhelmed with difficult thoughts. Distraction is maybe the best primary action- to literally try to think of something else. Something like a walk, craft, a game on her phone- anything really. Planning this in advance can be helpful. In DS' case I have given him permission to turn on his phone or TV even at night id he needs to- a though call, but it felt right in our case.

Secondary action is asking for help- so knowing which helplines are available some of which are text based so may feel easier for a young person to access.

I hope some of this might help.

Thanks - I did speak to Papyrus and they were really good with me, and I talked to my daughter about them. We also talked about distraction - she loves animes and has recently started writing some, and illustrating, so we talked about doing that if she felt overwhelmed by life.

I did realise that my experience of working from home (as a freelancer I do it a lot!) meant that I didn't fully appreciate how hard it was for her - just to have the self control and motivation to do the work set. When she inevitably got distracted by her phone, she then beat herself up for not getting things done, but didn't admit it to me, so when I chased her for her work, I was just joining in on the "beating up". We've agreed now that I don't get involved in work or homework unless she asks me. And actually recently she has been more forthcoming about work she's doing at school - wanting to share a poem they had been studying, talking about a maths problem.

Its all baby steps and I'm conscious that it could all change in a heart beat, but hopefully we are heading in the right direction. Just having this forum to share my worries, and hear from others has helped me hugely so thanks to everyone sharing their experiences and also practical help. You are all awesome!

I'm glad you found Papyrus helpful too. Before all this I don't think I appreciated how helpful that type of thing could be.

Funnily enough, DS loves anime too. We've even watched some of the TV stuff together recently.

I too had inadvertently caused extra pressure wrt home learning. I found it hard not get involved as I just didn't want him the fall behind. But now I can see he was already struggling with very low mood and was genuinely struggling with loneliness, concentration and motivation. School and his counsellor asked me not to prioritise school work for the time being. I've taken their advice, as in our case his MH felt like the priority.

It's very hard sometimes to know what to do for the best, sometimes I feel a bit manipulated- but at the end of the day DS feeling well is the most important thing.

I know how anxious you are but be so proud that at her tender age she realised she had a problem and addressed it
That’s something
It’s bloody awful for teens right now
I don’t know why MH is so bad but it truly is
I’d make a lot of time for her
Just be very attentive and present
Take her for a drive
I took teen DS out and it took 2 hours before he opened up a bit

Hang in there , I know how devastated you must feel but the fact she did something is a strong sign

I just wanted to say how pleased I am for that the talk went well. Your daughter sounds lovely and really sensible.... it’s so good that she feels she can talk to you and be honest. Being that rock and sounding board as a mum is so important and so hard. So tempting to jump in and fix or really take their problems to heart when sometimes all they want to do is transfer them to you and move on!!
Communication about fun things, games, baking, walks, drives, shared music, watching their films - just so important and means you can communicate when it really matters. So pleased she’s ok x