Talking to sons about respecting girls and women

[fuschia2000]

How to talk to sons about this and how to talk about pornography and how this is such disrespectful medium for women and not atall realistic......

Any thoughts suggestions resources welcome - feels such huge, but important responsibility insights of current events.

For it to be as less awkward as possible for him I say it's best for you to text him and then later on make sure he's read it and understands it

Rather than a terribly horrible and embarrassing family chat, we've just tried to address things as the subject comes up, for example we were talking this week about the percentage of women and girls who've reported that they've been sexually harassed and it opened up a discussion about what that constitutes and how to show respect.

It was quite reassuring actually - when I think of how it was quite normal for us girls to have our bums pinched and bra straps twanged when I was at high school, ds15 was horrified and said that would be totally unacceptable at his school.

@emilylovesfun

For it to be as less awkward as possible for him I say it's best for you to text him and then later on make sure he's read it and understands it

I can't even think how you could do that via text 🤔🙃. Must be getting old!!

I agree with @mamaduckbone, talk about it as and when the subject comes up, when there is something in the news, the radio, an article, a fb post, someones experience etc. There is a lot on this topic just now to open conversations.

Drip feed it in, make it normal to talk about openly, educate him on the impacts and explore both your thoughts about it.

As far as resources, there is an Instagram account called everyonesinvited. It has lots of information there about topics such as rape culture, toxic masculinity, domestic violence, consent. Deffo worth a look. In fact there is a post today about what parents need to teach their sons. Go check it out.

Show him this speech by the school captain (just 17 years old) at my son's school. An inspiring perspective from a young man .

Brisbane Boys' College Captain Mason Black's resounding ...

My DS is 12 and we haven’t had a particular chat about the subject but we do as a family (also have a 16 year old DD) discuss it. For example when his sister stopped running due to men leering at her and shouting from cars I asked him what he thought about that. We address the issue and promote equality every day without a big “chat” about it. Plus his Dad and DDs BF (who he worships) model the correct behaviour for him to copy

This is a really poignant thread for me at the moment, as Mum to a 16 year old girl.

I’m pretty open and believe whether boy or girl you need to address things as they arise and not be frightened to use language they understand - although I frequently get the ‘OMG mum, stop!’ We’ve had more chat on the subject because of the Sarah Everard murder too. It cannot be done as a text! Like the previous poster, it’s more of short chats when it happens, not long sit down and listen stuff.

This week my daughter was sexually harassed by a boy in her class, he told her graphically what he wanted to do to her, including penetration - I won’t use the words he used here - oral sex and rape. Another boy and a girl were present and laughed it off. My daughter asked him to stop as she felt uncomfortable and afterwards went to the teacher purely to ask if next lesson, she didn’t have to sit next to him. She didn’t go into detail, just he made her uncomfortable, but I later found out, he could see she was visibly upset and from a safeguarding point of view discussed it with his lead.

As a result, and she didn’t want this, she was called in and asked what specifically was said and as a result, this boy has been suspended for five days, as per their bullying policy which this comes under.

My daughter is horrified, as she didn’t want this and hadn’t told on him, she’s a bit worried now, as he’s a popular boy, that she will be called a grass etc. etc.

The reason I mention this, is because we have to teach boys, this isn’t okay, we have to teach boys that whilst they may ‘banter’ among themselves, it is not acceptable to watch someone say this to someone else and not stand up to say it’s wrong.

We have to teach girls to advocate for each other and they should not accept this type of talk as a ‘joke’ or something boys do because they are boys.

Please have your conversation, model your behaviour and don’t be ambiguous about how you phrase things, teach them empathy, have those difficult conversations now and dint be embarrassed about it. It’s more embarrassing surely to find out that your child has been saying inappropriate things to young girls.

Agree small chats when appropriate. For example when he was younger I just explained to DS that porn is like other films, fake and exaggerated. He was young so I explained women wouldn't expect to do the same things just as we don't copy stunts. Then there was upskirting on tube so we discussed consent and privacy again.

Last week I got him to read this free article and we discussed 'locker room banter' as he plays a lot of sport.
www.spectator.co.uk/article/the-case-of-sarah-everard-should-make-us-all-stop-and-think

Paddling I'm sorry your DD had that experience but so pleased school responded correctly. Had they done nothing what message would that send?

Eleven lessons for raising a 21st teenager by Ben Brooks. Out in 8th April.

@Paddlinglikehell Totally agree, and this is horrendous:
“My daughter is horrified, as she didn’t want this and hadn’t told on him, she’s a bit worried now, as he’s a popular boy, that she will be called a grass etc. etc.”
This is exactly the problem we keep seeing. SHE faces consequences for calling out his behaviour. HE, an abuser in training, is popular and likely to get away with this again and again.

[quote FictionalCharacter]@Paddlinglikehell Totally agree, and this is horrendous:
“My daughter is horrified, as she didn’t want this and hadn’t told on him, she’s a bit worried now, as he’s a popular boy, that she will be called a grass etc. etc.”
This is exactly the problem we keep seeing. SHE faces consequences for calling out his behaviour. HE, an abuser in training, is popular and likely to get away with this again and again.[/quote]
You have put this perfectly thank you.

On Monday when we’re in the car on the way to school, I am going to use this to help her realise it is not her that is in the wrong here.

Thank you.

I agree with others re drip feeding. I have talked to my DS (16) about this and they get a lot of assemblies on it etc. He does get a bit embarrassed and says ‘I know, mum.’ Etc. But as long as he’s taken it all in...
Paddlinglikehell good on your dd for calling the boy out, maybe he’ll think twice next time about being a total dick.