Is it ok just to take their phone at 13? No self regulation going on at all

[solittletime]

After lockdown and return to school would like to get back to better habits. Everything slipped in the last month.
Surely it is not THAT normal for a 13 yr old to be on their phone every waking minute . Literally from the minute they wake up to bedtime, apart from showering/ eating.
Either watching tv series, ‘editing’ , sometimes chatting to one friend (and one only) .
Other friend is left to get on with it and also has phone at night, eats in their bedroom. I family meals, so my se thinks I’m the strictest parent ever for demanding she comes to sit at the table

Sorry ‘ no family meals’
My dd
I made her put it downstairs now, as I tried agreeing a time she should get off it but 45 mins later she was still on it in her room.
She literally has no idea what to do with herself now.
What do 13 years do apart from being on their phones?
Unless I take her out to buy her something she wants or cook with her she seems to now be completely incapable of occupying herself.
She also has two siblings but I get that they are sick of seeing each other after all these months

I'd say give her a break just for a bit longer.

They still can't hang out with mates. As the summer comes along and they can chill out in groups of 6 I'd insist she goes out and about (although she'll take her phone 🤣)

My ds has been spending too much time online. Especially as schooling has been online too.

But apart from a walk life is limited.

Hopefully in April he's back to swim training. So that's 7 times a week over 5 days! I know naturally it'll happen less and less and he'll start moving more and seeing the outside world!

Does she have any hobbies or interests that are still on hold due to lockdown? I have a 13yo DD and I don't put limits on her phone use, but she does (in normal times) play netball (school and club) and sing in the school choir. What with school and homework and these activities I'm relaxed about what she does the rest of the time.

I also 100% agree with you about removing it at mealtimes and bedtime.

I desperately need some perspective here as we have so little to compare with, no extended family/cousins close friends with teenagers to go on!
Apart from this one best friend who frankly I think is on the extreme end of the spectrum in terms of screen time

That’s the problem. Can’t think what her hobbies are right now! Doesn’t mind cooking. Used to live drawing and reading, shows no interest now .
If you say you don’t put limits, do your teenagers sometimes just take themselves off the phone to do something else? Is that too much to expect?

Absolutely put limits, for her own sake.Phones are so addictive! Adults are addicted to them FGS. Given the choice, any other interests (like reading and drawing) will never be as appealing if the phone is always available. I know a lot of people on here talk about their teens being in their rooms all the time, and think giving them limits is too childish, but I still expect family meals, interaction with people and outside activity, otherwise no flipping phone in the first place!

Thanks. I feel that I am the strictest parent out there. Why is it just me that thinks they shouldn’t have their phone at all sometimes? If it were up to me she wouldn’t have it all day on Sunday. In the past when I’ve done that it’s actually gone well, as knowing it wasn’t even an option made her focus on other things .

My 13 year old needs restrictions putting on place.

Get her to cook one meal a week. Tell her she can find something or she can do some jobs.

Get her to do some exercise though my ds does the ring fit.

There is a balance .. No child ever admits to restrictions on their lives so she may well feel that way but it is often a form of manipulation too.

My 13 year old niece has her phone confiscated (sometimes for a couple of days) for poor behaviour, isn't allowed it overnight and has to put it away when asked to. I think boundaries are very important and, as a PP said, phones are highly addictive.

Hand it over at 9pm, never at the table or when we have ‘family time’, a film or game, etc.

You are definitely not the strictest parent-that title is held by me, according to my kids! And yet, in quiet moments, they will admit to being sort of glad I don't allow them to stay up to 3 am gaming like some of their friends do. Teens do need boundaries, that's our job, and it's fine to assert that.

OP I wouldn't necessarily believe that others don't have limits. My DD is always telling me how everyone in her class has better (read fewer/lesser) rules... I think partly kids boast and maybe exaggerate freedoms they have, and I think my DD reports selectively to make her case! 😁😂

DS has limits via Google Family Link. He'd be permanently attached to it otherwise. His most stringent limits are on games and You Tube. I'm more lax with messaging and chat. His PS4 is listed too. If I didn't impose limits he would just be in a mood all the time.
He's encouraged to do other things instead. He likes drawing, cooking and we go on short family walks to get him out. He starts hockey after school again next week which is fantastic and he's meeting a friend next weekend for a takeaway lunch and a walk.

Thanks all. I’m convinced one day there will be a massive u turn, maybe when this generation grows up and we realise the damage done. I f
Definitely think young children are losing g the ability to concentrate, reading a book is so much harder for them as it requires more effort. Also the ability to think critically. And that so much teen anxiety and social anxiety could be reduced by reducing phone time. There is definitely a correlation between all these things and the arrival of smart phones. I’ve even noticed a difference in myself. I have to make a conscious effort not to waste time but if I’m tired it’s much easier to give in and lose an hour of my day mooching one my phone.
And it’s so much easier just to let them be on their phone, they’re not in the way bothering anyone or needing help figuring something out. They’re ‘safe’ at home. I think if I continue to let this happen I will be being a bad parent.

Time spent on the phone is not doing other stuff. If she is always on the phone then she isn't reading, doing something creative, being active, relating to family etc. That is a very poor life, and not one likely to produce a happy healthy young adult. Absolutely put restrictions on phone use. She is a child and totally does not have the ability to manage her own use - teens have notoriously bad self-control. If she was doing some other self-destructive addiction (booze for example) you would intervene, right?

It's hard. My 12yr old is on her phone every second. But she's violent at the best of times so I'm at a loss what to do as I can't deal with her meltdowns and she won't engage with counselling. It's ever so hard .

Definitely limit. Some just can’t self regulate.

Some kids self regulate, others don’t. My 14yo will happily engage with the family watching a quiz show or playing board games. My 13 yo likes to watch sport or documentaries with us and also loves board games. We all have dinner together every night with no phones. We don’t let them have their phones in their rooms overnight and they both accept that.

We encourage our kids to see their friends in person where they can but this isn’t possible during lockdown. I’d be a bit more lenient now and then gradually increase the restrictions as they gain more freedom in other aspects of their life.

I've just introduced restrictions for my 13yDD , she has it 4pm-8pm weekdays 4pm -10pm Fri and Sat night.

She is so much more pleasant to be around now.
She wasn't sleeping properly, was sullen and addicted. Phones are destroying a generation.... exercise, creativity, etc etc must be taking a dramatic plummet. Very sad.