Dd, 12, is self harming

[Greyclouds10]

My DD self harmed in Dec last year. She had found lockdown difficult (not socialising, not doing her usual sport, etc) and had some friendship issues (her 'friends' bullying her best friend and she got caught in the middle.) We found out because she opened up to a friend at school and school told us. We talked to her and told her we loved her. She seemed to have realised how dangerous it was and seemed to realise not to do it again. Obvioulsy we kept a close eye and talked about emotions. Tried to find new outlets such as art. She has a happy go lucky character though. She soon seems to bounce back and was excited about xmas etc. Fast forward to today. Her school have just rung again and said she had a blade on her (a pencil sharpener blade) and had self harmed and had some suicidal thoughts but no plan to go through with it. I am just distraught. I feel like I have let her down. But it is a shock. She has been happy, doing her art, going for walks (as her usual sport isnt on) getting on with her siblings, parents evening nothing was picked up and they all sung her praises as how well she is doing, what a lovely member of class, etc. Looking forward to being back with her friends at school. The only thing she has been bothered about was doing the lateral flow test at school. I would say she has been 'normal' for want of a better word. What do we do know, going to ring the gp see if I can get her an appointment, though I think itll be a phone one and I dont think she will be happy with that. Obvioulsy there is something deeper there to cause this. But I am scared for her, she is obvioulsy so good at hiding it and hiding her true feelings. Help, please, I dont feel I can actually cope with this

No specific help I can give but my DD went through a similar period about a year ago now also at 12. She went from being a happy kid to really quite depressed almost overnight. In her case, she didn’t seem to know how to deal with her emotions, and was turning everything in on herself.

We were a bit stuck, as during first lockdown there was not much available in the way of help, so we had to deal with it as best we could ourselves. This meant we did some talking and in the end told her quite directly to stop, as it was a bad idea that solves nothing. She did stop - and looking back, I think it was as much about listening to her as it was about just avoiding it becoming a habit. She was experimenting and it was making her feel somehow better. Same way she might in future experiment with smoking or alcohol

It is and was hugely stressful - I still worry about her, now that I know she has this propensity. She doesn’t enjoy school and I know she’s often sad. But firm boundaries did seem to work for us and stopped it becoming complicated and medical right away. Obviously if it had continued, we’d have looked at that too

Anyway, I do really feel for you. It is super hard, and has made me realise I have no idea what’s round the corner

Hi, I don’t know if I can be much help but we are going through something similar with DD who has just turned 13. The school might be able to direct you to some help, sadly they will have seen this before, but the GP is a good call too. Just try to keep communication with your girl open, don’t get too stressed in front of her and try to take away obvious sources of harm like scissors or blades (it’s hard tho, a determined child can find a way).

Please seek help for yourself too, this is what I have been told, I haven’t managed it yet but I think we do need support so we can support them. Finally try not to blame yourself, lockdown and teenage years are a terrible combination that have pushed too many over the edge but you sound so supportive of your daughter.

You might want to look into therapy for her, a child psychologist specializing in teens and/or self-harm or similar. The tween years are really tough, and although it sounds like your DD is thriving in so many ways, she may need some extra help learning to process emotions and working on some better coping strategies. It’s been an awful year, and I can’t imagine being a 12-year-old through it. I’d definitely be seeking some extra help, for peace of mind.

I've been through this with my dd. I would get a good psychologist involved right from the start - you'll need to see your GP first. Try to remove obvious sources of things she can hurt herself with (razors from the shower, compasses etc) count your sharp kitchen knives and make sure none are ever missing. This sounds dramatic but trust me, it isn't.

With no offence to any posters, boundaries and being told they are loved is not enough. She is crying out for help here, please listen.

I've been there OP it's hellish but hoping it will resolve won't help. You will cope because you have to. Try as much as possible to shield her from your anxiety, you must be the port of calm in the storm here. Take care of yourself too, it's tough parenting tweens/teens but you will get through.

Thank you everyone. We have an appointment with doc this afternoon so will see what happens there.

Doctor is referring her to camhs. I just feel this is my fault. She said to doctor about how she feels sad and angry because of arguing with siblings and me.....

Please please don’t blame yourself, you sound a very normal family, am sure it is more than just these stresses, and you care so much, look how you have listened to her concerns. Camhs will hopefully help her unpick what is going on but try to get yourself some help too. My absolutely adored girl is going through Camhs too - and told her dad that I was the problem, I was too critical - but loads of other stuff is coming out. But I have also asked to be referred to the parenting service of a local mental health charity so I can get some help with my feelings and better support her.

Sometimes parents underestimate how difficult and critical they can be towards their children at a fragile time in their lives.

It’s so good that she’s opening up and spoke to the doctor. Hopefully even taking that step will help her. It’s so so hard and there’s some really great advice on this thread. If you can afford it I would try seeing someone privately so she is getting help quite quickly.
Stay calm infront of her. Don’t let her see your anxiety, be her rock.
Read up on how to parent teens. There’s a book called Untangled that I found very very helpful.
Ensure she charges any devices out of her room/ downstairs at night.
Have a family conference and agree on some rules boundaries for how you all want to live - from types of meals you all love, how often you all eat together, how to show you need space...
With my daughter, I really tried to bond with her by watching stuff with her she liked like her favourite music on YouTube. This helped our relationship a lot.
I think 12 - 13 is really tough for them but the more you can understand how they’re changing and read up on how to tweak and adjust your parenting the more it helps. Sending hugs

Do you or her dad have private health insurance by any chance (maybe through work?) . If so check if it covers the wider family - our did and we were able to get our DD Referred so much quicker. A psychotherapist and psychiatrist as well as anti depression medication helped her daughter who was 13 at the time to get through to the other side. She also self harmed and had suicidal thoughts. She also refused school due to social anxiety. We are in a much better place now with the help we got. Good luck OP I wish you and your daughter well.