Lying about where she's been...

[despondentatwork]

So, my 15yo DD has always pushed boundaries. Lately, she has been allowed to meet her friend. Her friend has has Covid & as she was desperate for company I've allowed them to meet for walks or cycles on the condition she stay in the v large park near us. Initially this was once a week. She's now asking almost daily & I've said that as we're in the middle of a Pandemic & already stretching the rules, one or twice a week is enough. She's been back late once, the girl came into the house once (her pick up was late) & now I have discovered that she had cycled to a different town whilst out. Presumably to meet other people. Even if this was not the reason, they'd have had to cycle on various main roads which I've never allowed her to do. (We live directly across from a very large forest park, no roads to cycle on to get there, absolutely no need for her to go to one 4 miles away). She has been caught lying numerous times now. About various things. Lies seem to roll off her tongue: small things, bigger things, she will actually challenge me to look her in the eye. She argued black & blue to me yesterday that she had NOT been at this other Town. (My sister saw them & stopped to chat & that's how I found out). Now I don't know what to do....the lying makes a relationship with her very difficult, I don't trust her even about small things. I don't like her very much, I don't respect her. I also feel upset that she's using me & making me look foolish, paying for her phone, clothes, treats & actually driving her 20 mins to meet her friend. She doesn't respect me. Over the years, we have grounded her & removed her phone after we've caught her lying (eg-she had a second phone hidden in her room, she was out in the town her friend lives in at 4am, amongst other things). These things don't seem to have worked, and I do understand she's feeling desperately contained & claustrophobic & clearly has a wild streak that she needs to express somehow. I also don't want her schoolwork to suffer any more than it already has over the last year, so I'm thinking carefully about what to do before I approach her again. WWYD?

Honestly? If you want her to tell the truth you need to slacken off a bit. I realise the pandemic makes it very difficult to set reasonable boundaries but only a park opposite your house is not very much freedom for a 15 year old.
Have you only let her meet with one friend? Or different friends individually. The rules state she can meet one person from another household outside for exercise. She should be able to meet more than one friend, just not at the same time.

You need to let it go about the emotional stuff around clothes and phone. Of course you're paying for them - you're her mother and she's in full time education/has no income.

In normal times, how well does she do at school? What do you think of her friends?

I was a motivated high achieving students at school and always worked hard but I lied to my parents a lot as their expectations were that I basically wouldn't leave the house until I was 18. It was unrealistic and so I'd tell white lies to make life bearable. I always made sure another adult knew where I actually was (eg a friend's parent) in case of emergency.

You need to find a way to let her grow so that she feels able to speak openly to you

The 4am thing - yes, I'd worry about that. The problem is that lies escalate when they feel they can't have a reasonable amount of freedom. They can't judge it for themselves.

They are allowed to meet their friends for a walk every day by law. She isn’t breaking lockdown rules by doing this, it’s only you imposing the restrictions of once or twice a week on her, which at 15 seems excessive. I also couldn’t get too upset about her being in the next town.

She shouldn’t be out until 4am and that is a worry. But she obviously feels that you won’t be reasonable with her if she’s honest, hence the lies.

Maybe back off a bit, give a a little more trust and try not to get so get up over the things that are not the end of the world. If she sees that you are reasonable she is more likely to be honest and comply with fair boundaries when they are set. Be too strict and teenagers just push back full force. Pick your battles and don’t sweat the small stuff.

Let her meet friends. Much better than constant tiktok! She is back at school 2mrw anyways