What should 13yo be allowed to do online?

[MaidInExeter]

I'll try to keep it short. Dd13 has form for talking to strangers online. Some of this has been sexual but not much, I've had countless talks about safety, showed videos etc and let her know that peadophiles and grooming is not something that just happened to others.

She had her Instagram taken off her for ages and has had her phone and laptop taken many times.

She has yet again proved she can't be trusted by messaging people she doesn't know. After having her accounts back for literally one week.

I don't know if I'm being unrealistic though, and other teens are doing the same. I was very very young when I had her and I question my abilities to parent a teen. I constantly wonder if I'm being too harsh or lax.

There's nothing inherently wrong with messaging people online but it's the nature and extent of it and going behind my back and lying.

If other parents of teens could answer these I'd be really grateful

Is it acceptable to check her laptop and phone?

Would you allow/be happy for them to message people they don't know

Would you be ok for them to do so, but only if the messages were age appropriate

Would you remove their social media and/or WhatsApp if they did these things?

Would you take their laptop/phone away if they carried on without permission/ went on desktop sites of social media even if you said they couldn't

Thank you, I know I sound like I've no idea and that's probably right. I know what I'm doing with toddlers. Teenagers not so much

She's also very dramatic. Always arguing with her friends on WhatsApp and seems to thrive off drama and conflict. We have had talks so many times where she really seems to understand where I'm coming from and the risks she's talking, but next thing she is just caring on

Not a parent of a teen, but I am a secondary teacher with a safeguarding role. If a student mentioned to me that they were speaking to strangers online that would be a cause for concern.
The majority of the 13 year olds that I speak to have to leave phones/ tablets/ laptops downstairs overnight. Their parents also have full access to passwords and social media.

Thank you that's really helpful!

it acceptable to check her laptop and phone?

Absolutely and also have her passwords.

Would you allow/be happy for them to message people they don't know

Never

Would you be ok for them to do so, but only if the messages were age appropriate
No
Would you remove their social media and/or WhatsApp if they did these things?

Yes, I would keep removing the privileges for a set time and try to get to the bottom of why she feels she needs to do this. Be consistent.

Would you take their laptop/phone away if they carried on without permission/ went on desktop sites of social media even if you said they couldn't

Yes, for a fixed period.

I had the same problem with my DD, she started uploading inappropriate photos ages 13 1/2 ,amongst other things I took away her phone and put parental locks on etc. I have constantly discussed issues with her, she says she understands and then 6 weeks later I would find more. Each time, she had her phone removed and another discussion. One year on and I think the message is getting through.

My DD also likes a drama and is attention seeking and I know some on here say you have to trust your DC but when they are not keeping themselves safe and are constantly betraying your trust you have to assume they are still too young for that level of responsibility.

I’ve got a dd the same age. My take:

Is it acceptable to check her laptop and phone? Yes, but I do so via net nanny software, not by relying on physically looking at it. I have an app on my phone that shows me the websites and apps she’s used etc.

Would you allow/be happy for them to message people they don't know No

Would you be ok for them to do so, but only if the messages were age appropriate No

Would you remove their social media and/or WhatsApp if they did these things? I haven’t yet allowed WhatsApp or social media

Would you take their laptop/phone away if they carried on without permission/ went on desktop sites of social media even if you said they couldn't I’d take it away until I could lock it down very tightly with parental controls and net nanny software

Is it acceptable to check her laptop and phone? - Yes! I check my 12 year old (Y8)

Would you allow/be happy for them to message people they don't know - No.

Would you be ok for them to do so, but only if the messages were age appropriate - No.

Would you remove their social media and/or WhatsApp if they did these things? - it would be the obvious consequence.

Would you take their laptop/phone away if they carried on without permission/ went on desktop sites of social media even if you said they couldn't - Yes.

@Watchingpaintdryagain

it acceptable to check her laptop and phone?

Absolutely and also have her passwords.

Would you allow/be happy for them to message people they don't know

Never

Would you be ok for them to do so, but only if the messages were age appropriate
No
Would you remove their social media and/or WhatsApp if they did these things?

Yes, I would keep removing the privileges for a set time and try to get to the bottom of why she feels she needs to do this. Be consistent.

Would you take their laptop/phone away if they carried on without permission/ went on desktop sites of social media even if you said they couldn't

Yes, for a fixed period.

I had the same problem with my DD, she started uploading inappropriate photos ages 13 1/2 ,amongst other things I took away her phone and put parental locks on etc. I have constantly discussed issues with her, she says she understands and then 6 weeks later I would find more. Each time, she had her phone removed and another discussion. One year on and I think the message is getting through.

My DD also likes a drama and is attention seeking and I know some on here say you have to trust your DC but when they are not keeping themselves safe and are constantly betraying your trust you have to assume they are still too young for that level of responsibility.

Thank you, your daughter sounds like mine. It really does seem like she understands, but ultimately it seems like getting in trouble and losing her things is worth the risk. I really worry about when she's 15/16 and going out more

I have a DS 13.
I check his phone and laptop
His devices stay downstairs from an hour before his lights go off until the next morning
He is not allowed (and to be fair seems to have no desire to) message strangers in any circumstances. One contacted him via insta and he showed it to me. Seemed harmless (they had a shared interest and the other person must have messaged because they were both liking the same pages) but we blocked them anyway.
He has specific 'screen free time' in which he is not allowed his phone or laptop or PS4.
I notice that in other areas of life I give him more freedom that his friends seem to get from their parents (eg. to get out and about by himself, take public transport, go to the dentist or the barber by himself) but when it comes to the internet and social media and devices I am more strict than other parents . . . . . I reckon that's where the most likely danger lies.

Safeguarding in school rather than a parent.

I’d be interested what she is getting from doing it that she isn’t getting elsewhere - validation, praise, instant response etc? Where else can she get that from?

thank you that's really helpful I got the same problem with my 12 yr old girl who is chatting to this boy half way naked and asking her to show her private parts ... I just saw a picture of the boy from her ipad and I am worried that she might have done it already but she said she doesn't know the boy... and she blocked him because he is annoying...