Help - dd is showering at 1am

[bendmeoverbackwards]

Dd is just 14 and ASD (high functioning). We’ve had numerous rows about her going to bed late.

I’ve tried to get her to agree to be finished in the bathroom by 11.30pm but she never is.

Her phone and laptop switch off at 11pm, I really don’t know what she is doing after that. A lot of faffing around, chatting to her sisters.

I know she is a night owl but 1am showers are ridiculous.

How would you handle this?

Take her phone off her if she doesn’t go early enough.

Turn the water off if you need too. My 19yr old son who has ASD runs a bath every night takes about an hour in total but it disturbs my other 2 kids under 10. So if it's not running by 9.15 it doesn't happen and if he tries the water goes off. It has caused some arguments though.

Would she be able to explain why they help? A shower might help me wind down after being on my phone for a while.
Taking my phone away wouldn't work as I would just feel agitated and panicky.
But maybe a different sensory input like a weighted blanket or aromatherapy vaporiser would work to help her relax before sleep.

I'm a little better at sleeping now (ASC, nearly 40 now) but I have always struggled with it. My dc are the same and I just ask them to keep quiet after my bedtime.
Dd will ask if having a shower at x time will disturb me. She's a bit older though. My younger 2 don't think about that kind of thing yet.

Thank you, if it wasn’t for her autism I would come down harder I think. But she has a lot of anxiety so I need to manage that.

Dd says her older sister often showers late too. Need to decide on a time limit for all of them I think.

Thank you @SuperLoudPoppingAction I think it comes down to her not being rushed to do anything, she’s always been like that. She has to do things in her own timescale. I’ve told her that late showers disturb US but TBH they don’t really as our en-suite is between.

So if the showers aren't disturbing you then what is the problem with them? Are you concerned about neighbours or other DC?

No I’m just worried about her going to bed so late. But I know sleep is often a problem with ASD so maybe I should just let it go?

If she's going to go to bed late anyway, then the shower seems neither here nor there, especially if it's not disturbing you.

I would talk to her and see why she feels the need to shower so late. For example perhaps this helps her to go to bed at 1.30am rather than later. Find out what the alternatives would be. It might be this is an acceptable compromise.

Are you familiar with Ross Greene's collaborative problem solving model?

My ds is an autistic teen and at the moment I'm just letting him get on with it within reason. He does stay up much later than we do but his anxiety is completely out of control so we just try and cope.

As long as he's engaging in homeschooling then I'm being very lenient. I'd cut her some slack.

No one should shower that late if it's disturbing the rest of the family. If it's not disturbing the family, then what's the issue?
But if she's only 14 then surely she has a full day of homeschooling ahead of her and so going to bed that late is too late to function well the next day.
(Disclaimer: I know nothing about caring for children with autism)

If she’s not disturbing anyone I’d let it go. Teens can tend to develop an odd sleep routine. I remember doing it myself as a teen and my own teen is doing it right now. He’s up and down during the night getting food, going to the toilet. Sometimes he showers at 5am. Then has a nap until school time. When proper school restarts again I suspect he’ll fall into a more normal routine.

@BertieBotts just looked up Ross Greene, looks interesting, thank you.

Are you sure she is not smoking weed/cannabis and having a shower to get rid of the smell / hide the smoke?

Just let her take a shower at 1am. My youngest DD age 16 is autistic as well and she is often up that late and showers, helps herself to midnight snacks, etc.

I’d only intervene if it affects her grades in school.

You’re saving money too because the rates for gas to heat water in your boiler are cheaper late at night.

Yes quite sure @BalancedIndividual

@bendmeoverbackwards

Yes quite sure *@BalancedIndividual*

Haha, thats good.

I just queried it, as a 'friend' of mine used to do that as a teenager (before growing up and realising that it wasnt good for them).

Ahh yes the nighttime snacking. You go to bed with a tidy kitchen and comedown in the morning and wonder what the hell happened

I'm laughing at the smoking weed comment, my ds is so black and white in his thinking and weed is illegal so it's against the rules, he doesn't break rules unless it's homework ever. I'm imagining other dc on the spectrum think similarly, not all but some.

@bendmeoverbackwards

Dd is just 14 and ASD (high functioning). We’ve had numerous rows about her going to bed late.

I’ve tried to get her to agree to be finished in the bathroom by 11.30pm but she never is.

Her phone and laptop switch off at 11pm, I really don’t know what she is doing after that. A lot of faffing around, chatting to her sisters.

I know she is a night owl but 1am showers are ridiculous.

How would you handle this?

It’s highly likely that none of what you’ve suggested will work. Coming from someone who’s actually autistic, this is probably the complete opposite you should be doing. I’m the same, constantly up late, eating at odd times, talking to people, a lot of neurodivergent people will do this, it’s an autistic trait that isn’t spoken about all the time.

The condition will effect her time perception and sleep routines, it’s often found in autistic people that we do have unusual sleep routines and patterns. There can be many reasons for this, one of them being nighttime is the only time that there’s no external pressure, it’s a calming time without the stresses of the day.

Setting bedtimes and taking phone/laptop away will only make it worse while she finds other things to do, sleep is a demand and forcing that upon her will add extra stress and pressure on her which I can tell you is definetly not nice to deal with.

Your best option is to encourage bedtime but don’t force it, if she has a shower at 1am, so be it, for all you know it could be a sensory stim or a way to relax and reduce chances of a meltdown

As an autistic mum to an autistic 13 year old i completely agree with @Mrredrunner100.

Bedtimes and deadlines just add massive anxiety and pressure. Day time life is full of them so night time is when we relax.

Thank you both @Mrredrunner100 and @doctorhamster the demand issue really rings true. Although she is not diagnosed with demand avoidance, there are definite traits. She finds any request asked of her very stressful.

The problem for me is deciding what to let go and what to be firm on. We’ve had battles over screen time too. I haven’t parented an ASD child before (she was only diagnosed 3 years ago) and I’m still learning. Teens do need some boundaries don’t they, in spite of their autism...?

Yes they absolutely do need boundaries. They also need to be able to escape from the anxieties and demands of every day life, which is why they can be very attached to their screens. The one benefit I've found of said attachment to screens is that a threat of removing the phone for a few days makes dd much more compliant in other areas

It's difficult op and what works with one autistic teenager won't work with another.

Our son isn’t ASD but his timetable is all over the place, being out of College. I suspect it’s a very, very common problem atm.

Is she in school?

m.facebook.com/HarryThompsonPDAExtraordinaire/photos/a.110622380282206/437386337605807/?type=3&source=48

Have a look at Revenge nighttime procrastination. I found it helpful in understanding my DD

Can you remove technology earlier? 8pm or 9pm? 11pm seems very late?

@bendmeoverbackwards

Thank you both *@Mrredrunner100* and *@doctorhamster* the demand issue really rings true. Although she is not diagnosed with demand avoidance, there are definite traits. She finds any request asked of her very stressful.

The problem for me is deciding what to let go and what to be firm on. We’ve had battles over screen time too. I haven’t parented an ASD child before (she was only diagnosed 3 years ago) and I’m still learning. Teens do need some boundaries don’t they, in spite of their autism...?

I haven’t been diagnosed with PDA either but I’m pretty certain I have it. There’s a lot of things that you need to let go of when raising an autistic child, they need love and support much more than neurotypicals do at her age, not restricting things like phone access and bedtimes because this will only cause problems at the time and later down the line

She might be trying to work out a routine without college because of the pandemic, or it could be the only time she can do her own thing. The best thing is to talk to actually autistic people and learn from them, not an Internet forum full of parents as a lot will have different views, misconceptions and probably won’t fully understand what it’s like, autistic child or not, trust me, I’ve tried this at work where they don’t understand me, you get nowhere. You’ll see it all over the place, just ask us!