I have name changed, as there is personal info in the post below that I wouldn't usually share.
I'll also start by saying that I know we are really lucky. My dd is generally a really happy, well-adjusted teen with lots of lovely friends and a really strong work ethic. She is sensible, thoughtful and considerate, and we have a great relationship. On the scale of teen problems at the moment, when loads are really struggling, I know that this probably isn't up there, and I'm sorry if this seems insensitive to parents who are dealing with much bigger issues. However, I would like some advice.
DD is in year 11, and she is really stressed. More stressed than I have seen her previously, and it is impacting on her ability to sleep, focus on school work etc. I think she is really in danger of burnout. She has found this lockdown difficult, because she is extremely extroverted and gets her energy from being around other people, doing extracurricular activities etc. However, she has coped well overall, and has taken proactive steps to manage her stress, like getting plenty of sleep, regular exercise, even meditation etc. School has been setting lots of work, but she has kept on top of it despite hating remote learning. Things are starting to crumble now, though, and she is really struggling to look after herself in her usual way. Struggling with basic self care. Struggling to switch off when she has a break. Struggling to motivate herself when she sits down to work.
She has a second set of mocks starting when they go back to school next week, following a first set of mocks in November/December. She is somewhat angry with the school about this, as she feels that they should have given the kids some time to settle back into school first, but she isn't unreasonable and understands that they need to collect as much evidence as they can for the teacher assessments. Unfortunately, the teachers are still setting so much work for the remote learning that she hasn't really had time to revise for the mocks properly. Nor have any of her friends.
DD is an excellent student and got all 9s in her first set of mocks, so I don't think she is actually that worried about her teacher assessed grades, as rationally, she knows that they will be good. However, I think she is probably feeling a lot of (self imposed) pressure to get the same grades again in this set of mocks, which may or may not happen. There is no pressure from us as parents, and the teachers have also been telling students not to worry. In some ways, I don't think the first set of mock results did dd any favours, as there is no room for improvement and any further assessments just create pressure to maintain that level of performance, rather than giving her any scope to improve her grades. She now feels like the whole thing is pointless, she is frustrated that they won't get to do their final exams but instead have this prolonged period of stress where everything counts towards their final grade, and she is angry because she can't really see the point of GCSEs in any case. I understand this.
On top of all this, dd is really worried about the mental health of a few of her friends who are really not coping. She has a bit of a reputation in school as being the "together" one, and lots of kids tend to offload on her. She usually prides herself in being able to help, but I think it's taking its toll at the moment. Lots of her friends are really struggling at the moment, and dd is especially anxious about a couple of them who have very challenging home situations on top of all the other stress. This is adding fuel to her own anger and stress, and she is getting really upset about it. She feels angry, too, that there isn't better support in place for teenage mental health, and she is angry that the school and the government haven't made this more of a priority.
I don't know how to help. If I tell her not to put pressure on herself, she says she can't help it - she says she wishes she didn't care, but she can't switch it off. If I tell her to take a break, she says she can't relax even when she does. If I ask her about her specific concerns in relation to her friends, she just gets really upset and says that people are going to "break". She is full of rage and fury, mostly directed towards the government because she doesn't know who else to blame. Her usual mechanisms for handling stress - seeing friends, going to dance etc - are not available to her right now. At night, she is struggling to sleep because she can't switch off, but then she starts to worry about not getting enough sleep, and that making the whole thing worse. She is angry with herself for not managing the stress better, for not feeling able right now to do the things that might help her, but she doesn't know how to get out of this. Most of all, I think she is afraid of getting to the point where she is so stressed herself that she can no longer support her friends, because she feels that she needs to be the calm, positive, upbeat one in order to help them get through...and she doesn't feel that there is enough other support for them. She said they won't approach the school with their problems because they don't trust the school not to share things with their parents. She also apologises constantly to me for "burdening" me with it all.
I'm trying to listen when she wants to talk/rant. Trying to let her offload her concerns about friends. Reminding her that she is only human too (this makes her cross - she does not want to be human!). Reminding her that she isn't responsible for her friends (this also makes her cross because she knows she isn't responsible but they don't feel able to get support from other sources). Making her favourite meals, helping with her laundry, giving her back rubs etc. I have offered to email the school about how much work they're setting, but she doesn't want me to do that.
What else can I do? My once happy, vivacious and positive daughter has become anxious, stressed, sad and angry. Sorry, that was long, but any advice welcome!