How to motivate dd (17)

[Lovemusic33]

I have posted about dd in the past but at the moment I’m particularly worried (and fed up) with her lack of motivation and lack of common sense. She does have Aspergers and dyspraxia as well as hypermobility which does effect her mobility, i am currently paying for private physio and podiatrist in hope to improve her mobility, this means she has a set daily physio plan each day (it’s about 20 minutes of doing some stretches).
Dd is doing A levels and spends all day in her room studying or gaming (mainly studying), she literally rolls out of bed in the morning, brushes her teeth, had breakfast and then returns to her bed for the rest of the day to do school work, she’s a top student and is working towards 3 A’s and I’m proud of her for this but she has no life skills. Due to having dyspraxia it takes her much longer to learn new skills but she refuses to try, she won’t cook, won’t clean, can’t change a bed etc..and refuses to even try. She’s working towards a place at Oxford uni but there’s not a chance in hell she will cope at uni.
At the moment I can’t even get her out the house for a short walk, she seems to think because she’s doing 20 minutes physio she does not need to do anymore exercise. She’s gaining weight which is making her mobility issues worse meaning the physio is a waste of time.
She would happily spend all day every day in her room with her head in books or online and not lift a finger around the house.
Last week I was ill and told dd that I wasn’t going to be able to cook dinner for her and her younger sister, he reaction was “well who’s going to cook my dinner then?”, she refused to cook anything so in the end I had to drag myself of the sofa to feed her and her sister.
Today she has sat on the sofa watching me dig the garden through the window, several times I asked her to help and she refused to move, moaning that she had period pain and couldn’t be bothered to move.

She just has no motivation to do anything other than school work, she has just over a year until she sits A level and has to apply for uni places and she can’t even make a basic meal or go for short walk.

I know it’s a struggle when she has ASD and dyspraxia on top of her mobility issues but she just doesn’t try to do anything. I also understand that all teenagers are going through a tough time right now but dd has always been lazy and unwilling to do anything around the house. Her sister is 2 years younger and severely autistic yes she can make a sandwich, tidy up when asked and loves going out for exercise.

Anyone have any tips on how to motivate her?
She’s returning to school soon which will help a little but she will still refuse to do anything at home.

love I'm in a similar (ish) situation. Ds is 16 and in year 12 and has ASD, he would quite happily spend the rest of his life in his bedroom. He barely leaves it. He has an EHCP, so he's been going into school once a week for a support session, but that's it.

He does his school work but is not really motivated by it at all. We moved him for 6th form and applied for an EHCP, as his previous school was awful.

With the best will in the world, he will not be ready for Uni or work next year. His anxiety is off the scale and he's unable to leave our home independently and had no independent living skills at all. I'm looking into whether he could go to a local ASD college after A levels. As he can't access all the support he needs at mainstream school.

Sorry, I'm not sure I have any good advice but I totally understand how difficult it is!

It’s hard isn’t it.
Academically she’s more than capable of getting a good uni place but I can’t see her lasting 5 minutes living away from home. She has her mind set in Exeter uni (if she doesn’t get a Oxford offer) but there’s no chance she would cope. She has grown up living in the middle of nowhere, goes to one of the smallest high schools in the country, being in a city on her own will be nothing like she’s experienced before. I still have to remind her to brush her teeth and change her underwear. She is considering taking a year out but to do what? She’s not ready for work, would be totally unreliable, she’s likely to just spend another year locked away in her room and will still have no life skills to go to uni.

Dd doesn’t have a EHCP, something I kind of regret but because she goes to such a small school (and they have been amazing with her) she hasn’t needed much support there. She’s just been awarded height rate PIP (care and mobility) so if she does go to uni she can possibly pay for someone to support her but I don’t think she will agree to this.

It is hard, it must be extra hard for you too as you are also supporting your younger Dd. Ds is also academically able. He only got his ASD diagnosis in year 11, so he's still coming to terms with it. We have applied for PIP on his behalf. Phoned back in October, 18 weeks since starting the application and and still heard nothing!

I think that they have DSA at Uni but I'm the same as you as I know Ds would not be ready next year. We haven't ruled it out for him but we think he needs extra support before he is ready to go.

He still needs help with all aspects of daily life at home, can't get to school alone or go to a shop etc. We only applied for his EHCP last year and I mentioned at his assessment meeting that I was really worried about his independent living skills etc. But was told he would not be able to access any support with that at his mainstream school.

I'm really worried about Ds taking a year out because I don't think I would ever get him back doing anything, if he did. We do have a couple of colleges locally that are specifically for young people with high functioning ASD. But I have no idea if they would take Ds if he gets his A Levels as he would have already achieved a level 3 qualification. I'm keen for him to keep his EHCP and be supported for at least a year post 18, if it's possible.

I'm not sure if it's the same with your Dd but Ds is emotionally immature too. He's meant be getting help from Camhs for his anxiety and low mood but that seems non existent at the moment!

I've not discussed future plans with his school yet as he's only been there since September and had his EHCP since January. And has been at home since Christmas anyway!

Have you talked to Dd's Senco? It's so difficult with Covid but do you think something like local volunteering or something supported might help her gain some confidence and independence skills for a year before she went to Uni? I have to say, even with Ds's EHCP nobody has given us any ideas or support to what is available post 18.

There seems to be a lack of support for those young people who are academically able but still struggling in other aspects of their lives.

I already feel under pressure to think about Ds's future and he only started his new school last year!

Your ds sounds very similar to dd, dd is sometimes emotionally immature, she doesn’t have many friends but that doesn’t bother her too much. She doesn’t go out alone but can just about go into a shop alone if I wait outside. I’m trying to encourage her to help me cook dinner each night but she just stands there and moans and I end up doing everything myself.

I haven’t spoken to the SENCO, school don’t see the issues I see as she appears quite able at school (she only has to do work), she runs a club at school for younger students, she is a teachers pet but only has 2 friends in 6 form, she’s not really friends with any of the A level students.

If she went to uni she probably wouldn’t bath/shower, brush her hair or keep any kind of good personal hygiene, she would probably go to lectures and spend the rest of the time hiding in her room.

They do sound similar. Ds masks at school although his EHCP has meant he is getting support from a member of staff more experienced with ASD. And they have been able to get a much better understanding of him than a teacher would see in the classroom.

Ds would be utterly lost living away at Uni. He needs support to sort his clothes before a shower, sort his hair etc afterwards. He just couldn't cope when he can't even walk to the post box alone. I feel I need him to have the basics as far as living alone, being able to shop, use public transport etc before University is even a possibility. He doesn't actually want to go next year anyway, so that rules it out at the moment, I think.

Sounds like your Dd could do well with the right support to get her there. Running a club etc is really great and shows she has some motivation, just needs it to spread to other areas of her life!

Wish I had some better advice. I have heard of some students getting support with day to day living at Uni but I guess she will have to want to engage with that.

The post 18 decisions are hard enough when teenagers are NT, throw ASD into the equation and it feels so much more complicated.