My 16 year old DD is desperately lonely

[Arosewithoutthorns]

My 16 year old DD fell out with her friendship group just before Christmas. She had been friends with these 3 girls since year 8. The reason being she self harmed during the first lockdown so we got her some counselling. She found the courage to tell her ‘friends’ about this but a couple of days later they approached her at school and said their parents weren’t comfortable with them being friends with her because of the self harming and they don’t want her to be with them anymore. She was devastated! She is has no social contact with anyone her own age. She hasn’t any friends at all. She is an only child, I wish we could have had more but that wasn’t an option. She is anxious about returning to school because she will be alone but she has her GCSE’s to concentrate on not worrying about friends. I’m in turmoil for her and I don’t know what to suggest!

Didn't want to read and run. I feel for you and DD and think the reaction of the other parents is way out of order. Teen girl groups can be so difficult.

My DD is about the same age and in a very very similar situation although she had been in same group since early primary school. She's moving school next academic year which we are not keen on but agree it's her best chance of being happy. She's also had some counselling which definitely helped with her anxiety etc but I'm still not sure how honest she is being with us (or even herself) about how she feels about it all.

Are the school aware of what's been going on? One of the teachers DD liked offered to be a support for her so she could talk about what was going on. But DD sat in classes with teachers at break and came home for lunch every day in the autumn term. Other than a friend who lives further away she has no social contact either. It breaks my heart.

Yes DD has a teacher she can talk to at lunchtime who has been brilliant she has rang DD a couple of times a week during this lockdown to check in on her. We suggested to DD to go to another 6 form college and not the one at her current school but she loves her teachers and she will have them for her A level subjects.

It is heartbreaking seeing them so alone.

Your poor girl

I went through similar at that age and it did end up in a school move but trying to break into friendship groups at that age isn’t easy so it wasn’t a successful move for me. At the time I thought moving was the only option as being a ‘loner’ as a teen is the worst thing imaginable but looking back I wish I’d stayed at school and powered through it even just for the education side of things because my education did really suffer.

I really hope your DD is ok. Being a teen girl is just so bloody hard and other girls seem to just want to make it harder

Get some new friends but it's easier said than done.

Horrid. Counselling needed more than ever.
Has she an interests or hobbies? Don't mean it to sound glib -but could she adopt a rescue dog that chooses her etc?

Sorry she's having a rough time.she will find her tribe one day it's just painful to watch .xx it might be worth speaking to the parents of the friendship group as sometimes they need steering in the right/kind direction.lots of kids self harm but it seems so mean to avoid her because of it - surely they're old enough to have a bit of empathy?? Meantime online stuff like rangers/art classes any good? Sounds like she's got a fab mum and a very cool teacher and she will find her way eventually. Good luck.x

We have a rescue dog and she absolutely loves the bones of him. When her counsellor asked what made her happy she immediately said her dog. She plays the guitar with her dad and loves her art. Both her dad and I are from big families so lots of aunts uncles and cousins but we can’t see them at the moment.

I'm so sorry to read this OP and I can sympathise . My DD14 has had some similar issues , not self harm but a shift in dynamic in her friendship group over lockdown , and she has been the one pushed out . It's so sad to watch. One thing I keep thinking though is that many young teens have struggled during lockdown , tbh it's all I keep hearing . So perhaps when she does go back to school in the next few weeks , it may be like a re-set button and things may get better as many others will have suffered with isolation during lockdown . So it could end up with the old friendships being re kindled or even a new friend . Worse case scenario - keep her head down and get her exams done and definitely look for another 6th form , a chance to start over .
Does she do any online gaming ? My DD does and she has some friendships on there but it's of course not the same as in rl but it has helped a little
Wishing her lots of luck and as PP said , she has a great Mum !
Oh , and PS my DD is an only child too , I do think that makes it harder

My daughter is Year 11 and was in a similar boat when the first lockdown began, it's hideous as a parent to see them feeling so down.

She managed to get chatting to lots of new people online, and when they eventually went back in September a lot of dust had settled and although there has been bumps in the road it wasn't as bad as I think she'd anticipated.

She now has a much smaller friendship group and is looking forward to meeting new people at sixth form (there's not one at her school so will be a fresh start).

I'm really horrified that your DDs friends and their parents have been so unsupportive, ignorant and horrible. I'd actually be inclined to mention it to school, not in anticipation of them doing anything about it specifically, but because if these attitudes are prevailing they clearly need to up their game in terms of mental health education and pastoral care.

Agree with pp if a child is being avoided due to self harming and being brave enough to reach out ( and the parents are involved🤨) they really need some input/education from school re mental health awareness asap.

@Arosewithoutthorns

Yes DD has a teacher she can talk to at lunchtime who has been brilliant she has rang DD a couple of times a week during this lockdown to check in on her. We suggested to DD to go to another 6 form college and not the one at her current school but she loves her teachers and she will have them for her A level subjects. It is heartbreaking seeing them so alone.

So sorry for your DD.

If it's any comfort, my DD found her 'tribe' in 6th form - she was with a different group of people - some of whom had joined the school in Y12 and were new. They often find that they are with people who have chosen the subject that they love, whilst the people they used to hang out with are doing other subjects and so they no longer have lessons together.

It's often a time for friendships to drift away and new - more mature ones - begin.

I really feel for you OP, and for your daughter.

I can empathise to an extent as my 14yo DS has really struggled during this lockdown. His MH has deteriorated and his friendships seem to have altered to the point where he's no longer gaming or chatting to many school friends. I'm not sure what has happened, he hasn't wanted to share any details and I don't want to push him.

Like @MrsRusselBrand's DD, he's an only and I agree it seems to have made things harder.

I'm really clinging onto the hope that once they go back to school things might improve. He's a sociable person, his friends mean so much to him and it's really hard now he's at an age where he needs them as much as he needs me, maybe more.

I'm shocked and disappointed in your DD's friends' attitude, sending you and her a huge hug.

@freckles20 exactly the same thing has happened to my teen dd. her friendships have really deteriorated throughout lockdown, beginning of the first lockdown she'd constantly be on calls and video chats and gaming. No idea why but it has all seemed to have stopped and she rarely hears from any of her friends now. I know there hasn't been any falls outs between any of them. she used to love school so much and would come home telling me all about her day and friends and how much she was enjoying school. Now she's dissapointed at having to go back to school on 8th march and would rather stay home. I feel this lockdown has completely ruined her life. I'm just hoping when she does return to school and in the coming months she will rekindle those friendships and il see her much happier again. it's been so sad to see her happy world turned upside down.

@Arosewithoutthorns it is so hard for teenagers in these lockdowns.
My dd friends are still all meeting up going to houses but my dd does not go.
They are completely tormenting her and her bf saying when use finish use will have no friends because use left the group.
I do let her meet with her bf for their mental health but going to house parties with covid19 so high is just wrong.
I hope you and your dd are ok.
Just be there for her is all you can do
My 2 dd both have had up and down friendship groups. One did end up moving school and is much happier.

I'm so sorry for your DD - and indeed for you because it is heartbreaking to see your child suffer and to feel powerless to make it 'right' for them.
I reckon that the prolongued lockdown could work in her favour. Friendship groups will probably be open to some renegotiation when they get back to school; friendships are based at least in part on habit and everyone has been out of their routine for months. Encourage your DD that there could be good opportunities to find new friends who are loyal and kind. Lots of people will have been rethinking friendships over lockdown. Both my DC have not kept in touch well with some friends that I would have expected them to be constantly in contact with, but also then stepped up contact with others who they weren't previously close to. I hope this works for your DD and good comes from the bad.