19 year old daughter being abusive and swearing

[sa21]

hi, i have a 19 year old daughter who started smoking weed about 1.5 years ago, since then she has changed completely, won't go to work as says she can't be arsed to get out of bed, has been given lots of job opportunities but may only do one day and then doesn't go...she swears at me and my partner, throws and smashes plates and glasses at her bedroom walls when she gets cross and throws stuff at her door and swears if we hoover before 9am, if we ask her to turn her music down as we are working she tells us to f*ck off and that she will punch us, we are treading on eggshells and dread her coming in the front door...i have said to her that she needs to move out as i can't put up with her behaviour anymore as its tearing our family apart..i gave her an insentive that i would pay rent deposit so that she could move out but she needed to go to work, she didn't go to work! this morning i once again said to her that she needs to find somewhere else to live and see took a photo of her with a packet of pills and sent to her dad saying "bye", so he called ambulance...they assesed her and sent her home. i don't know what to do next as i don't want to lose my long term partner because of her but we have both had enough...she has no respect at all.

Such a difficult and awful situation for you to deal with. Really feel for you.
It sounds like you’re saying this is only recent behaviour and she wasn’t too much of a problem as a younger teen? If so, then looking into help for drug addiction and getting her off weed sounds like main first step? Can her father help? Can you both speak to her together ? Try and find out how much she’s taking? Is she in debt to dealers? Is this behaviour masking a lot of fear? Is the weed having a more extreme affect on her? Is she smoking in the house? How much is she taking?

However if she’s been difficult for a longer time, unpleasant, shouting, bullying, rude, damaging your property since her earlier teens, then I would be more tempted to try a more tough love approach. Preferably again with her father’s help. Clear house rules and expectations. She MUST believe that the consequences of her not following them will be followed through.
If the behaviour is very recent and a result of drugs then trying to proactively help her would be my first step. Try contacting Narcotics Anonymous or Young Minds ? Wish you lots of luck

This is such a difficult age. I have no experience with the drug element but can relate to the other things and it is an abusive relationship, but it’s so much harder being a child and not a partner, and it’s also very very difficult to talk about it to anyone in real life.

Can she go and live with her dad for a while, this is the most straightforward option if it’s available.

Don’t engage in the suicidal emotional blackmail, talk to her df and do what he did, call an ambulance if it should happen again.

If she becomes violent towards you, call the police.

Unfortunately those two options require the help of our services, but she is leaving you with little choice.

I do think you’ve reached a point where asking her to leave is the only viable option but it is hard. With regards to the living at home, Is she contributing at all. Don’t make life easy for her, she should be providing and preparing her meals etc, if she breaking your crockery lock it away and just leave her with plastic stuff, don’t provide food etc, she’s 19 she should be self sufficient. Are you paying for phone contracts, if so stop, don’t allow access to WiFi.

Give her the option in engaging with a gp our young minds, but I fear you will be shut down before you get the sentence out.

Good luck, all we want to do is protect them but by the time they hit adulthood when they act like this you have to take step back.

Does she have her nice times?

thank you for your thoughts and advice. she has always been difficult since she was 10 and did live with her dad for a while but now she says she would rather be homesless than live with him. i only put a bit food in freezer for her as she moaned about every meal i cooked and I always cook a proper meal every evening. (she only wanted takeaway pizza or frozen food)roast at weekend (she moaned about me cooking it at lunchtime, so i said heat it up later, she would then eat one thing off of it and leave plate on her bedroom floor for days so it ended up in the bin. her dad often buys her takeaways and pays phone...i have asked him not to pay for anything as then she will have to go to work, but he won't stop. i turn internet off if her room isn't tidied and her rabbits cleaned by a friday and then that sets her off throwing things etc....it is a constant, everyday battle....she hasn't many friends as she managed to p*ss everyone off....

She's an adult. Treat her like one. She needs to find her own place to live.

I think the only thing you can do is give her notice and be prepared to follow through, it won’t help your relationship in the short term but you don’t have much of a relationship now anyway and she needs the push to realise you can’t behave like this.

I take it if you want to talk she won’t engage. It may be ultimatum time, if she won’t sit down and talk she leaves immediately, if she is prepared to put effort in you will help her find somewhere and help with deposits etc.

What does her df say?

Stop cooking for her it’s not worth it, and if she refuses to be respectful she doesn’t get to share your internet, if she becomes violent you call the police. Don’t engage in any shouting match, it achieves nothing, simply state your requirements, the consequences for non compliance and walk away. At the heart of every conversation should be I will help you wherever I can but it has to be give and take. It’s also worth making sure she knows you’ll help her access help via gp, young minds etc if she wants it.

💐 it’s horrible to have to deal with,

Whatever you decide, you must 100% follow it through. Otherwise all you are doing is making empty threats, which will probably only make things worse.