I need some tips/ help coping with ds who is very disrespectful to me and my dh.

[darcyjohnsons]

Hello, I found out about Mumsnet a few weeks ago as it was recommended to me on Facebook. I have a troublesome ds who disobeys rules and is constantly disrespectful to me and everyone in my household. He is constantly on his Xbox gaming with his friends who have had a very bad influence on my ds, he only comes out of his room for basic hygiene and food, He never comes home on time staying out until 11 pm! I need some tips anything will help TIA :)

14

Not sure how old he is and his age does affect some of what I’ve tried to say!
Are you in lockdown and he’s still going out or is he allowed out but just coming home late?
There’s definitely a shift that happens on parenting during teenage years. Personally I read lots and tried to work out how I wanted to do it. A key thing is setting general family rules which you expect them to stick to that they are made aware of in a very calm patient way, then let the rest go. Repeated shouting never works in my experience. The angrier we get the more they kick off. Calm explanations and no yielding on your clearly outlined rules does work eventually especially if started in the early teens.
You may set certain curfew times; so many meal times a week with family or all mealtimes with family; many hours gaming or unlimited gaming at weekend if homework done. You may decide you will clean his room as long as he showers every day.... or whatever .. your rules your son your house! BUT once he understands them then let small stuff slide. Try and explain reasoning behind them too at a calm sit down with your partner/ his father.
Rewarding them when they follow the rules is important - thanking them very specifically when they do something you’ve asked of them really works. Just saying “appreciated you bringing plates down, it really saved me a journey as I was feeling tired” - really starts to affect them in a good way. Or “I was impressed how you got up today, even though you were so tired, must have been tough”. It kind of takes the wind out of their sails and more importantly makes them feel valued and understood.

At the same time as treating them in a more grown up less childlike way, is trying to build a new relationship to keep communication going. When my dd was younger teen we watched a lot of YouTube together - she showed me bands she liked. Recently I’ve played Fortnite with my 14 yr old nephew who’s also been struggling. - trying to build a form of communication with him that’s not all about doing jobs and nagging...
Then hopefully when they are upset and angry they’re more likely to tell you why and open up. there’s a lot going on for them at the moment.
For boys in particular gaming seems to be a lifeline of keeping in touch with friends and communicating. Again depending on his age, see what games he’s playing, maybe ask if he can explain one to you. Understand the importance of calling them for dinner and then having to leave and let their team / friends down when they’re on Fortnite... They will appreciate you understanding the teamwork involved. But also setting parameters around it early on will help.
Good luck

Can you sit him down and have a family meeting and tell him how much you love him and what your worried about and ask him to come up with solutions

@Lilactimes that is such a lovely post, and your approach sounds very balanced and sensible. I have an almost 14yo and that shift has definitely happened. I'm really struggling to adjust and to get things right.

Can you suggest any books which helped you reach your approach.

Neither the strict, nor the very lenient approach feels right and finding the right middle ground is extremely hard for me.

Bedtime is a huge problem for us, especially atm when chatting to friends is a lifeline for DS and that doesn't seem to happen until very late at night. He's very low and feels hopeless and I've given into the temptation of relaxing things too much to try to cheer him up.

Sorry OP I've written such a long post on your thread. I hope you find a way forward for your DS that works for your family.

Hi - the books I mainly read were “Get out of my life but first give Alex and I a lift into town” - it’s around a tenner. And also a friend lent me Untangled by Lisa Damour but this is more for girls. A lot of it is also basic coaching techniques too , read a lot of Mumsnet posts and general Google of articles on teenager behaviour, how their brains change and rewire. I don’t know one story of a 14 year old boy who’s ok at the moment. I think keep as patient as possible but firm on your agreed rules, don’t keep changing them and try and do some family activities, different walks/ Taskmaster board game/ cook a meal with him and maybe allow late conversation 3 nights a week?? He would probably be having sleep overs at 14 with lots of mates and up all night chatting and gaming. But probably not at the weekend, so maybe try and differentiate between week and weekend too. Good luck

Sorry typo!! I meant he would probably be up late only at weekend on sleepovers not out every night.