14 year old DD cutting

[redblonde]

Hi - I've just found out today that my 14 year old DD cut herself last year, after a particularly difficult argument with me and her dad about school work. She says she's not done it since but had thought about it. I don't know what to do - we are in the middle of a big issue between her and us about school work and falling behind - she was supposed to catch up over half term but admitted yesterday she hadn't. She tells me that we make her feel like we are disappointed in her.

Please if anyone has any advice on the cutting - should I call someone, watch and wait, get a counsellor? And how do I now react to her now I know she has done it - I feel like I will never be able to tell her off again without being worried she will turn to self harm.

I run self harm groups for teens online. We recommend parents help the child to communicate and recognise feelings- a lot of young people we work with struggle with this.
Can she notice some of the catalysts which happen too - an argument etc which then leads her to feel a certain way.
You can look at referrals for psychotherapists or counsellors, look on BACP or UKCP. Does she want that support currently?

Thanks - I think its arguments that she says make her feel worthless - she's OK academically but struggles to self motivate and just gets distracted by her phone/you tube. So when I tell her off about not getting something done, she says she already knows she should be doing it and I'm just making her feel bad. She said she would talk to someone if I "forced her". But I'm guessing that's unlikely to help, if she feels forced.

Would she take help to be organised or manage her motivation? If she feels told off when not completing work then there is an element of shame - how does she manage shame and guilt?

What else brings her self worth?

Hi redblonde, I have a dd who started self harming when she was 12 and is now 16, still with some issues although somewhat better. It is so hard and I know we have stepped back sometimes from telling her off because we've been so scared of the self harm so I really empathise. I guess what I've learned is to try to stay calm and try to accept that I can't control her self harm, if she's going to do it, she's going to do it...it goes against every bone in my body but...We went down the gp/camhs/school support route and now she sees a private counsellor. The self harm is a way of communicating when my dd feels under too much pressure or out of control so I try to preempt these situations although not always successfully. I would recommend you contact 'young minds', they have a parent helpline I have found them helpful when I've been in crisis, my dd hasn't used them as she finds it difficult to talk to someone she doesn't know well when she's in a bad state but I'm sure they're great with young people as well. Good luck and feel free to ask anything.

Charlie Waller Trust have good info on self harm for parents and also worth looking at selfharm.co.uk for an online small group course for her if she wants support around the self harming.

@jendifer

Would she take help to be organised or manage her motivation? If she feels told off when not completing work then there is an element of shame - how does she manage shame and guilt?

What else brings her self worth?

All good questions - thanks. I have tried today to help with her organisation but its not gone well - accusations of forcing her to do it my way! You have hit the nail on the head with the element of shame, I think she does hold herself to a high standard and when she sees that we have seen that she hasn't achieved, she is ashamed. I don't honestly know what else brings her self worth but when we are in a good place and mindset to talk I will ask her.

Thanks also rjp3141 and HedWrek for the suggestions of where to go for help, and for understanding.

I’m happy to talk more via PM If it helps - the organisation I work for has been mentioned so I can advise from that side if that’s helpful

I think there are 2 issues here. What to do about the issue of self harming and how to boost her self esteem.
I think at this age, they are basically kicking against being 'told off' . Authority no longer holds any sway and you need to find a different approach to encourage her to be responsible.
Can you encourage her to create her own plan with small achievable steps so that she can feel some success each day?
If she under achieves, she will be fine and can retake. If she feels unloved or a disappointment in your eyes this will be far more damaging. Mumsnet often mentions love bombing and it sounds like she could do with that. The self harming will hopefully resolve itself the more secure and happy she feels. Hope things improve soon.

@Premium5

I think there are 2 issues here. What to do about the issue of self harming and how to boost her self esteem. I think at this age, they are basically kicking against being 'told off' . Authority no longer holds any sway and you need to find a different approach to encourage her to be responsible. Can you encourage her to create her own plan with small achievable steps so that she can feel some success each day? If she under achieves, she will be fine and can retake. If she feels unloved or a disappointment in your eyes this will be far more damaging. Mumsnet often mentions love bombing and it sounds like she could do with that. The self harming will hopefully resolve itself the more secure and happy she feels. Hope things improve soon.

Thanks I think this has helped - I am a bit rules focused - if I have a list of things to get done I will work my way through them and feel anxious if I don't manage it, so when she isn't managing to finish her work I get frustrated. But you are so right, feeling unloved or undervalued is worse. We tell her every day all the time how much we love her but it might be a case of her feeling that our actions (of getting cross that she is behind with work) don't match up to our words.