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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

At what age did you remove your teen's phone restrictions?

50 replies

bendmeoverbackwards · 20/02/2021 23:18

Dd3 is turning 14 tomorrow. We've just had a row over her screen restrictions. It currently turns off at 11pm, late enough I think. It used to be 10pm and she recently asked for it to be moved to 11pm. She's a night owl like many teens.

She now thinks at 14 she should not have any restrictions on the phone at all. To be fair to her, I don't think she would be on it all night and all phones stay downstairs overnight.

I was discussing this with my friend who has 4 dc and is a very good parent has recently taken her ds' screen time off and he's so much happier. She thinks they miss out socially and having to catch up the next day can be stressful. My dd is ASD if it makes a difference.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Original poster
bendmeoverbackwards · 20/02/2021 23:19

My oldest dd has informed me that teens like to send happy birthday messages at midnight which is why she wanted her phone then.

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OohImBlindedByTheLights · 20/02/2021 23:21

Personally I would keep it the same time.

I actually laughed out loud when you said your dd feels under pressure to catch up on messages the next day!

Blackdog19 · 20/02/2021 23:22

My dd is 13 but rule is phones downstairs at night.

OohImBlindedByTheLights · 20/02/2021 23:22

Sorry, stressful, not under pressure.

People these days spend too much time on their phones - says me on the MN app- and I think I good break away from phones is great. Well done for enforcing all phones downstairs overnight

Original poster
bendmeoverbackwards · 20/02/2021 23:22

It wasn't me who said that @OohImBlindedByTheLights it was my friend. She knows a lot about ASD and was explaining to me that some things are really stressful if you're on the spectrum.

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Original poster
bendmeoverbackwards · 20/02/2021 23:25

@Blackdog19 do you have a set time for phones downstairs?

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kerkyra · 20/02/2021 23:27

My ds is 13 and is asd. It's all gone out the window in lockdown and he is allowed ot overnight,but when school returns we will go back to phone downstairs at 9pm Sunday night to the following friday.

AlwaysLatte · 20/02/2021 23:28

My oldest is 13 and the youngest 10 (so he doesn't have a phone yet but does have iPod and iPhone). We take all the tech to charge downstairs when they go to bed at 10 and 9. I think in a year it will be the same - sleep is important.

Original poster
bendmeoverbackwards · 20/02/2021 23:30

Just wondering what age the restrictions stop?

My 2 older dds (19 and just turned 18) have their phones in their rooms with no restrictions but they are sensible I know. Oldest dd was away at boarding school for Sixth Form for 2 years - when she came home it seemed silly to insist on the phone downstairs again.

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SummerSazz · 20/02/2021 23:33

Dd1 is 14.5 and I have her phone at night - from about 10.30. Not sure when we'll change this but she's ok with it for now.
If jot a little bit grumpy...

Saisong · 20/02/2021 23:33

My DD also turns 14 tomorrow - Happy Birthday Young Bends!

We have a 9pm cutoff (only recently moved from 8pm). She is allowed to request more time - particularly as she likes taking baths at 9pm and wants to play music from her phone. Very occasionally on non school days she does a late nighter with her friends where they game/WhatsApp etc. otherwise there is no tech in rooms at night. Being flexible seems to be the key, where we encourage sensible use, but have room to be flexible - especially when they are so crucial to socialising currently.

Original poster
bendmeoverbackwards · 20/02/2021 23:36

Happy birthday to your dd @SummerSazz

Wow I'm impressed with your teens, they seem very biddable! Dd is very unhappy with the situation, I give a bit, she pushes for more.

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HarrietSchulenberg · 20/02/2021 23:37

At 16 (and sensible) mine could keep his phone upstairs overnight but I turn the wifi off when I go to bed. My youngest is 13 and his phone is handed in at 9pm on school nights. I do spot checks on his quite regularly too, just to check he's not doing anything awful.
I have heard 13yo's phone pinging with messages well after midnight so I'm sticking to the 9pm rule or he'd be awake all night.

barnanabas · 21/02/2021 10:06

14 and 12 1/2 here. All phones, including ours, downstairs overnight. They have to be downstairs when kids go to bed, or when I go to bed if that's earlier (which happens sometimes at the weekend). No plans to change it at the moment. My hope is that it will become a habit for all of them.

barnanabas · 21/02/2021 10:07

My (non-expert) perspective on the ASD aspect would be that it's useful to have structure and boundaries put in, FWIW.

Sparklingbrook · 21/02/2021 10:14

I think it all depends on the teenager. If you think they will be on their phone all night then you will need to do what’s necessary to ensure that doesn’t happen.
Turning the WiFi off doesn’t always work if you like to stay up really late using it yourself.
My two had their phones with them all the time day and night but they were good at self regulating and sleeping fine so thankfully never had to intervene.

BiBabbles · 21/02/2021 12:58

I think it depends on the person. Some children need more support in this than others (just like some adults feel a need to use things to help regulate use). For a birthday, I might let it off for the night as part of the fun, but I wouldn't radically change use long term without a lot more discussion and reason than just an age change.

With my DS1, it was either shortly before or after he turned 16 (it was last year which is kinda blurry) when we took all time-of-day/night related blocks off, but mostly because he rarely used it at night anyways so it only came up when it was needed and I'd give him the extra time when it happened anyways because it happened so rarely. He's always been in the habit of leaving his phone downstairs and goes to bed with little issue. He still has Family Link on his phone so we can talk about what he does and he's agreed that sometimes he gets obsessive and external blocks can still be helpful so he still has them on a few apps where there are concerns, but the vast majority he doesn't (plus he has mostly free reign during the day on a laptop, but again that doesn't go upstairs and we all have Webtime Tracker on computers to discuss usage).

This is the same child who asked for full browser block at 13 because he'd become obsessed with some violent online comics and similar he'd found and felt he couldn't stop himself. We discussed it from time to time and he didn't feel comfortable with us lifting the block until he was 15 and needed the browser while at college. With him, we do still arrange structure around his use at 16, something I've often heard is ridiculous and horrible, but it's largely because he is sensible and self-aware about the issues he has with executive function and compulsive behaviours so we discuss and set up things to make it easier for him.

My DD1 is about to turn 14, and we've been discussing changes including more internet/app access and later as well, but I likely keep some time locks in place with her personality of wanting to be at her friend's beck and call & solve all their problems and a few other things plus there are other responsibilities we're still working on.

zighead · 21/02/2021 15:42

My DS is 14 and allowed his phone until 10pm on school nights and 11pm at weekends. I have no plans to extend this as he has an addictive personality and I know he'd be up all night if he had his phone in his bedroom.
I'll probably let him have his phone overnight on the weekend when he's 15 but on the condition that he's working hard at school and not struggling to get out of bed in the morning or ridiculous moody and bad tempered.

MyDcAreMarvel · 21/02/2021 15:46

After A levels.

Frozenintime · 21/02/2021 22:08

You can restrict it. You pay for it ?!
And keep on something like Bark. It can really save them from awful situations

sweetkitty · 21/02/2021 22:43

Mine are 16 and 15 on school nights all tech comes through to our bedroom at 11pm (have caught them sneaking downstairs). Have also caught DD1 with old handsets as you can get on WiFi but not 4G with them so have had to turn off WiFi too before. Allow them to have them overnight at weekends/holidays.

Apparently we are the only parents who do this of course and we are totally unreasonable Hmm

Covidcorvid · 21/02/2021 22:46

Never had any restrictions. But Dd always went to bed early and as far as I was aware was sleeping. Wasn’t the sort of kid to be up messaging.

Original poster
bendmeoverbackwards · 22/02/2021 12:11

@Frozenintime yes I know I can which is what I am doing now! I was asking about deciding on the right time to remove the restrictions.

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Original poster
bendmeoverbackwards · 23/02/2021 10:42

Just an update - I took the restrictions off for her birthday but put the 11pm switch off time back on (for now). However I was horrified to see how much time she had spent on her phone in one day - 11 hours!!

Last time I checked a few weeks ago, it was 9 hours which I thought was bad enough.

We used to limit the number of hours/day until a few months ago. I wonder now if I should put it back on.

She was apologetic and said she was 'trying' to cut down.

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Robotindisguise · 23/02/2021 12:24

A few thoughts from the Mum of a (younger) child with Aspergers...
What is her executive function like? If she’s likely to find it hard to put the phone down, keep the restrictions
Is she much happier when she’s not sleep-deprived? Does she need more sleep than her peers? If so remind her of that - and keep the restrictions