I've given up with DS, 14

[Mumfordsson]

He is a complete nightmare and I have reached the end of my tether with him.
He is in Y9 and due to choose GCSE options soon. Had a call from school yesterday (in half term!) to say that he has not submitted any work for months and wasn't taking part in online learning. He has been logging on for registration then going silent. We have had a few emails and calls prior to this and thought we had been firm with him as issues arose. He always promised he would change, gonna start working, try harder etc but has been lying to us all along.
His head of year said yesterday that he was probably going to be moved from top down to bottom sets, as there were more deserving children than him who should have the top set place. I agree completely but have no idea where to go from here. I looked at a piece of work he submitted yesterday- he was doing better stuff in Year 3! He doesn't care about being moved down, says he hates school and doesn't care if he fails all his GCSEs.
Am I going to end up with a 25 year old waster still living at home and doing sod all?

I can’t help you with your immediate problem - but I had a good friend like this when I was at school. Went from top sets to being suspended for some really stupid behaviour and bunking off/not giving a rat’s . This person sorted their head out by 16 and is now a much loved and respected Headteacher, having done extremely well in life afterwards. We are still good friends despite me having been a massive nerd the whole time ❤️

I wonder if Covid is making it worse. I’m normally a high-achieving, very self-motivated person at work but recently - despite having quite an important job - I can just about do the bare minimum because I feel like I don’t care. The bit of caring I can muster up is because I can’t afford to get fired. I have NEVER been like this in my life.

Sorry I can’t offer more practical help but I hope it all works out, I’m sure it will.

Ok. I could have written this word for word.
Ds is in year 9. He isn't engaging in work ... What he does submit is really poor. He's gone from exceeding expectations and top set to "entry" i.e. lowest possible marks and not on course to pass any GCSEs in the past 12 months. School have sent a few emails but we're having a really hard time dealing with it as he's gone from a confident outgoing boy to one who barely comes out of his room. I think lockdown has messed up his mental health massively. We waiting for a cahms referral
.... On waiting list!
I'm trying not to think too far ahead, but agree it's difficult watching them throw things away. We chatted to him loads about it. He sees no future and therefore feel he can't be bothered with options. He also can't see the point in anything. He also hates online lessons and misses his friends. We're taking small steps..... To be honest we might be babying him a bit as at the moment he seems frozen. So we wake him up and make his breakfast. We then make sure he has somewhere quiet to work and get h stuff like stationary and charger for laptop. It had got to the stage where if the laptop was out of charge he'd just sack off the day and go back to bed. Also checking he's at least logged on for lessons and submitting something. Normally by year 9. I'd be all about independence ...... But it wasn't working for us. don't know what well do about options but trying to avoid discussions about the future in general other than telling him we love him and he'll find his own path in the end.

I'm also making sure I get him out of the house. I took h food shopping yesterday ( I know it's against rules but...
Meh) so at least he saw and interacting with others. If we lived nearer to one I'd be asking him to get out to shop to get milk etc.

No real answers but solidarity from me

Thanks fedup2017 for the vote of solidarity.💪
I let him go out with a friend yesterday, despite threatening not to let him out having done no school work. I'm finding it really hard to set firm boundaries when he is just shutting down and doesn't care about anything.
I know his mental health is at a low, so sending him out with a mate for a bit of respite for him and me, is a good thing for him.
I am so worried about where he will end up. I am a headteacher and very fearful of County Lines, which is a huge issue where we live. I am not here in the day, but his sister tells me that he gets up around 1pm. We found out the other night that he sneaks downstairs to watch tv all night once everyone is asleep!
He desperately needs to get back to school and to get some routine back.

Ask school to take him back in a key worker spot.

My dd year 10 is the same. I’ve asked school to give her a key worker place. She is being seen by CAMHS and is on the autism referral pathway, so it’s hard to know what to prioritise with her. For her, she just can’t cope with doing schoolwork at home.

School isn't for everyone.

What does he want to do in future? Can he see what qualifications he needs for this.

Lots of colleges offer some joint schooling from 14 because lots of pupils are better doing a vocational course alongside core subjects.

Try not to look at what he's not doing but rather what he wants to do and what he'll engage in and what he can do.

Sorry posted as you wrote you're a head.

Surely you know that some pupils just don't get on in school and there's alternatives available?

But please don't write the poor lad off at 14. Especially right now where their whole world has collapsed for the past year.

I hear you. I have two of them (DTs). One has a goal so is doing the bare minimum to do ok. The other is a disaster. I am so worried/frustrated/disappointed/angry that I have had to withdraw myself from him. I don't feel that I can help him at the moment. . I put it down to puberty. Screens are also a huge never ending battle. Friend has advised that we should just let him fail. I hope with him knowing that he has support when he needs it and the values we have given him that he will find his own way.
we see/hear about all kids of my friends and family flying high I can't even talk about my kids when I speak to family.

Sounds like he needs to be back in school with structure. I have always needed to have purpose to the day otherwise I backslide and I could be doing the same as your son.Getting up late and not achieving anything during the day and then staying up til 1/2 in the am and the repeat.It is hard to break that cycle unless you force yourself back to a routine. It must be awful for a teenager now and I’m not shocked so many are having mental health problems.Please get him back into school.

If you're an HT can't he go into school?

If you are a HT - what advice would you give one of your parents who might find themselves in a similar situation. I am not saying you would have all the answers but surely you have some ideas. I would suggest you start by talking to the school to get clearer picture and find out what they can do to support.

What is he like when he is actually in school? My DS is in Y8 and terrible at home learning and has v little motivation apart from a few subjects. He was the same in the first lockdown but then when at school Sept to Dec he was fine and did really well. I'm really hoping he goes back to school soon as I think it will be ok then. Maybe it's the same with your son and he needs to be physically in school with his teachers and friends to learn properly. Online learning is so hard for some teenagers.

I'm HT at a primary school. He is on the waiting list at his own school. Their bubble is full. How is he at school? He had a terrible start in Sep and it has been going downhill ever since. I think first lockdown had a huge impact on him and I'm worried that we can't pick up the pieces.
His form tutor is ringing twice a week but he is rude to her 'Yep, yep, yep' after she speaks and says nothing more apart from the odd 'dunno'.
I can't believe I'm writing this about my own child!

I'm a deputy head at an infant school... I'm shocked they aren't having him in school, you are a keyworker and he isn't engaging, so much so the form tutor is phoning twice a week. He's on the waiting list for CAMHS too - I'd say he is vulnerable. I would ask to have a talk with someone on the SLT about him going in. I'm not sure how more deserving of a place a child needs to be.
I would also be asking what are their plans to support him when he is back. Dropping him from the top sets to the bottom ones because 'he isn't deserving' isn't right at all, especially if that's their only plan. I'd imagine his self esteem is very low and when he says he doesn't care he doesn't actually mean that, it's a defence. Dropping him sets will be another blow to his self esteem and his feelings of 'what's the point'. Yes, he ultimately needs to take responsibility but when a previously good student is now performing so badly the school also needs to look to themselves and what they can do to support and help him to get back on track.
I do feel for you though, it's so so hard. Bloody covid!

I think some kids are able to motivate themselves by Y9 but some aren't. My child is a similar age and the only two things that really help are 1. Being able to voice call friends during the lesson so they can work together 2. Having a parent check in on them and support them, sometimes if a piece of work is hard, we do it together in the evening.
I know these may not be possible, or help. I would normally want my child to motivate themselves, but these aren't normal circumstances so I am giving them extra help and if it gets them through then so be it. I understand however, that you have a very time consuming job, and it does sound like your son has lost interest in work. I wish I had the answer, sorry.

Oh OP and @fedup2017, we are in the same boat. My previously high achieving Year 9 DS is really struggling with his MH and motivation and school work has really slipped.

Initially I was torn, (and I still am a little), but having taken advice from people who have experience in this type of thing I've backed right off pushing hard for school work to be done.

I'm not just doing whatever I can to get DS through this lockdown. I'm trying to get him to do core subjects when he can, and I'm not pushing for good marks, or reacting to poor performance.

The pastoral team at school actually suggested that all school pressure is eased and have made sure his teachers are aware. That has really helped.

I know it's incredibly hard to know what to do. There's a background worry that you are being manipulated. Being firm, having standards, working hard have previously been my 'go to' approaches- but right now, love, compassion, understanding, and patience seem to be what is needed. I can't risk alienating DS further, and so I need him to know I'm on his side and we are in this together.

The conversation about moving sets sounds way out of line to me. School should be way way more understanding than this.

Sorry that should say 'I am doing whatever I can'.

Urgh - my son is the same and totally unmotivated to return to school as he thinks he has no friends left and everyone has fallen out via social media.
Absolutely no idea how this will pan out when they go back in a week.

I got this phone call 3 weeks ago. 'How's your son doing?' 'Great, not bad at all, he's in his room, we've put the pc in with him, he finishes at about 4.30, we drop into him but have 3 others home schooling so I'm embarrassed to say we don't get to sit with him.' None of the teachers had heard from him, he'd submitted nothing. He told me he couldn't figure out google classroom, I lost it, dh lost it. He had emails from teachers that were so lovely saying 'you can start afresh' and he hadn't answered them. So now I am literally sitting over him: what subject do you have now? What do you have to submit. Sometimes I help a lot. It's bloody hard for them, I couldn't see that but jesus it is. Talked to my sister who is checking her son's email in work then texting reminders if she thinks he's bogged down. Deep breath op and the most important thing that comes out of this has to be your sanity and your relationship with him. We emailed each teacher one by one and grovelled a bit. He asks the odd question now to show his face, that sort of thing. Best of luck.

How did you not know he hadn't submitted work for months?? We get feedback on work submitted every day, so do check that you're not missing out on the school communications!
Also we check in on him several times a day to see that he's working (under the guise of checking he's ok, bringing drinks etc as he doesn't like us sitting in). He can't get onto his gaming until he's done his work. Worth trying that?

Also, just another week, and they're back at school

I don’t understand why you didn’t know what was going on much sooner?

@DenisetheMenace super helpful.

Our school are struggling as they have a huge amount of pupils in school and learning remotely. Feedback on work and lesson participation has been delayed so we also only found out our ds has submitted work only for top subjects and not others. They use an electronic log and he’d been ticking them off but not doing the work.

I have no advice but my 14 year old is exactly the same. Roll on 8th March!