Stepson smoking weed again

[HollyJenni]

Good Morning.
After a terrible night sleep I have to turn to mumsnet yet again for advice so here goes.
Me and my OH went up to bed last night and I followed behind my partner by about 4 mins. I walked in to our room and said, I can smell weed. My other bald said, so can I. I've just confiscated this and held up a spliff. He had walked in on his son and took it off him. We have a 4 year old daughter who sleeps with her bedroom door open as she gets scared. I was very angry indeed and said to my other half that he needs to sort it as I have tried to help in the past and he never accepted my help.
In the past, his son who is now 16, went to his half brothers house for a weekend drugs binge on all sorts of drugs and it turned out he was also dealing. I got the police involved because my OH and his ex did absolutely nothing about it and I was thinking about our daughter.
Anyway, I didn't get back to sleep, OH did and I could smell it again. My OH went into the room and he was smoking weed again and it was so strong.
He shouted at him which woke up our little girl and then he told me to go in to the room and speak to him. I shouted at him and told him to get out and go to his mums. He was just sat on his bed with no remorse as usual looking spaced out.
Anyway, my OH said that I shouldn't have told him to leave as you don't go throwing people out on the street and I'm like a bull in a China shop. He really doesn't seem to understand where the hell I'm coming from. Our daughter is 4 years old and is inhaling fumes from an illegal substance. He clearly understands that this is wrong but he always seems reluctant to deal with it and the last time it happened he basically insinuated that if I'm not happy, me and my daughter should move out.
Someone please help me, advise me as I'm going out of my mind.

You need a family summit (without your DD) where you and OH lay it on the line to stepson—no drug use in the house. Sadly I don’t think you will be able to prevent him using drugs when he goes out but to me it’s reasonable to ban any and every sort of smoking in the house as it’s a foul smell and health risk. You may get some ppl on here who say weed isn’t harmful/important but having seen the damage it did to a cousin I disagree. Also my OH is very sensitive to the smell even when he gets a whiff from weed smokers in the park—it’s instant headache and nausea for him. So you are not overreacting but you and your OH do need to back each other up on this and present a united front. I don’t think you should tell stepson to leave though without trying a ban on drug use in house first.

As the mother of a 17 year old DS who does all manner of things that appal and frighten me, including the occasional joint, I'd say it's best to stay as calm and controlled as possible and try to have a discussion with him when he's "sober". Tell him that what he does outside of your home is up to him but when he's staying with you, he must absolutely abide by the rules of your household. Tell him what those rules are and what the consequences will be if he breaks them.

Try to get some help from Nar Anon. It's for family members of drug users. It's about setting firm boundaries and not reacting in anger. It's not good for your daughter to be woken up by shouting. Some family therapy would be good. The boy smoking weed is a symptom of a larger family problem. He is acting out and looking for attention. His smoking is wrong though and can't be tolerated. Stop giving him any money.

That seems reasonable. I think I'm more upset because this is now the 3rd time it's happened and this was the worst. I could smell it in my little girls room and because I've never used any drugs, hardly drink and don't smoke it's just a whole different world. I understand times are hard for teenagers and that it's different to when I grew up (I'm 34) I'm just appalled. His lack of remorse and care for his own family. He treats the place like a hotel, we only see him when he needs food

Oh and I'm perfectly aware there must be something else going on because on the day before christmas eve he decided to drink half a bottle of red wine and beer and threw up all over his room and spent most of chrisrmas eve cleaning it up. I've said to my other half and his ex (I am on OK terms with her) that we need to intervene and I think they believe I'm being over dramatic

He was smoking weed in his bedroom?! That would infuriate me. If he had the decency to go to smoke it in the garden, I would be calm and rational about it, but in the house with a 4 year old. I would tell him if he does it again he can leave.

The shouting part is the bit I'm most upset by. My daughter never hears swearing or any cross words, she is the best thing that ever happened to me and I want to protect her from everything so I'm feeling very down this morning. She is fine, she doesn't even seem to remember what happened

I think I mentioned that this isn't even the first time. One of the first times we caught him, it was a school night so the next day I managed to get access to his ipad and that's when I found all the plans for his weekend at his half brothers house where they used ecstasy, weed, pills etc. I have actually moved out in the past over this as I don't see why I should be endangering my daughters life. He handed the weed over but he could have other drugs.

Oh that sounds like such a tricky situation! Especially as the 16 y/o isn't your son but is your partner's - that makes it really hard for you to establish your boundaries.

I agree with other posters really who have said to create an agreement that there are to be no drugs brought into the house, and make it very clear what will happen if he breaks that rule (i.e. he gets kicked out). Maybe have a 3 chances rule - after one time he is banned from the house for 24 hours, second time he's banned for 3 days, and if he does it again a third time he has to find somewhere else to live.

I think at 16 it is absolutely a suitable punishment to tell him to leave - assuming that he has his half brother/ mum's place or a friend he could go to.

The problem is that you need to have your OH on the same page. Does he see the risk to his 4 year old daughter from this? That could be the best angle to approach it with him.

If he insinuated that you and your daughter should move out if you're not happy... well... maybe you should actually consider it if this carries on. It might be the wake up call he needs and I bet he doesn't think you would actually do it. But you are being quite massively disrespected here by both your stepson and your DH - you don't have to stand for that and you definitely don't have to live in a house where you and your daughter are inhaling illegal substances against your will. If your OH is ok with subjecting you to that, does he really care about your wellbeing?

YANBU. I would have been furious with him as well for smoking (regardless of what it is) in the house. But tbh.... I would have made your partner get him out of the house.

I've just tried to have a convo about it with my other half and he said that is unethical to chuck a 16 Yr old onto the street. I merely suggested he go to his mums. I find it unethical that he smoked weed with a 4 year old just metres away.
My OH has said this is has last chance and if he does it again he is moving to his mums. I have heard this before sadly

I wonder how much of your anger is due to the fact that he's your stepson and you may not really want him living with you? Yes of course his behaviour is wrong (and illegal) and shouldn't be allowed to continue but your insistence at "sending him back to his mum's". What would you do otherwise? Your OH at the very least needs to discipline his own child rather than passing the buck to his ex.