Hi all
I'm new here and I desperately need a chat because the issue I am dealing with isn't happening with any of my friends with teens and no one really seems to understand how I am feeling.
My daughter has just turned 18. She's doing well at school, has some uni offers, and generally seems to be fine. She used to have severe anxiety, OCD and has been diagnosed with Asperger's and life had been a struggle for her up until last year. This year she's much better so, really, I shouldn't have an issue but I am really struggling with another aspect of her life.
Nearly a year ago she started going out with a boy from overseas; he's a boarder at her school, but lives in his own private accommodation. He has no parents to report to on a daily basis - he calls them but is free to do exactly as he wants when he wants and is given a huge budget to spends as he wishes.
He came to live with us during Lockdown 1 as his boarding house at the time shut and we were led to believe he couldn't get a flight back home. This change in circumstances here had a sudden change on my daughter's behaviour - not totally negatively, to be fair. Her anxiety decreased significantly - although at the same time school went online so she was home 24/7 (she had social anxiety) and she received online CBT for her obsessive worrying.
The boyfriend was not keen to interact with us much and insisted on getting his own meals instead of eating with us, etc, and staying in his room much of the time. My daughter spent time with us but soon went down the same route. She became surly and reactive around us when we asked her to come downstairs and be with us and they would hole themselves up in one of their rooms (we insisted on separate rooms for Lockdown) for the whole day and night. This then led to her not eating with us, just with him, and refusing to spend any time with us (she's our only child).
Inevitably this led to arguments and some were terrifying. The rage she directed at me in particular was distressing - my husband is more of a 'pretend it's not happening' type and if I challenged her behaviour, then it would end up in screaming and insults. I admit that I lost my temper but nowhere near what she did - yelling at me that I was 'bloody pathetic' etc etc when I said that I just wanted to have a relationship with her still and see her.
He moved out in July last year and has lived independently ever since though he has become more friendly with us since Xmas when we had him to stay as he wouldn't go home to his family. They see each other every day, all day, and she stays over at least once a week. Both have totally abandoned all their friends, and don't keep in touch with them even by social media. He sends a taxi to collect her every morning around 9am and she doesn't come back till 9.30pm apart from two nights a week when we have a family supper, but even then she gets home in time to eat with us then locks herself in her room so we hardly see her.
She's stopped telling me anything about her life apart from school stuff. She's had some medical issues that I've only found out about because they're skin related and I've had to ask her what is going on because I can see that there's an issue. She will not say anything to me at all on a personal nature, which I find sad as we used to be close. She even refuses to pet our cats, who she used to adore - now she says she's allergic to them and talks instead of getting a pedigree Pomeranian because her boyfriend wants one! Our diabetic cat nearly fell into a coma a couple of months ago and she showed no concern, and didn't even ask how he was.
When I try to talk to people about how depressed I am getting at our disintegrating relationship, I am told that I am lucky that she's getting good grades, or that she has a nice boyfriend who treats her well - and I totally see this and understand it. But I am so desperately sad at the fact that she has emotionally 'left' me - I knew uni would signal her independence and was ready to deal with that but she just suddenly and very brutally cut emotional ties with me unexpectedly and seems to not care. I once tried to explain carefully that I missed spending time with her - she just shrugged and said 'oh dear', or similar. She gets her boyfriend to do that with her now. I don't know or understand how she can suddenly turn off her emotions towards us - apart from anger, if we try to talk to her about things (eg her skin).
I'm not trying to cling on to her - I just don't understand why we can't at least have a little more of a relationship. I don't think there's a magic wand that will make this better and I expect I just have to learn to cope. I do cope mainly but there are times when it feels too much and I can hardly bear the sadness. Not sure what I can do to be honest but I was wondering if anyone out there has experienced anything like this.
Thanks for reading ...
Lockdown has obviously made this situation much more magnified than it might have been.