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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

About to withdraw overnight device access for DS14- any advice welcome

21 replies

whataboutbob · 15/02/2021 12:46

Hello all. Just looking for advice from those who’ve been there. A few months ago we allowed DS14 to keep all devices overnight, he said he would use sensibly, that he resented handing his devices in at 10pm, it got tougher and tougher to make him hand in etc. We agreed to trust him and give unrestricted access. Now, he spends all his time on devices. No evidence of anything else eg reading, playing keyboards, going for walks. I suspect late gaming sessions , whatsapping etc. Also he’s not concentrating during online lessons and often there too being in his phone during lessons. So as not to drip feed, he’s suffering from low mood, has declined counselling but is speaking to the GP. Anyway, I want to withdraw overnight devices and will be telling him so today. I know he will be angry, deny there’s a problem and will try and overturn this.
Any advice apart from just do it and don’t cave in? Thank you.

OP posts:

Pashazade · 15/02/2021 12:56

Just a thought but do you keep a device in your room overnight at all? If you do I'd be prepared to change that so you can impose a whole house rule. Maybe say you're concerned about sleep habits and that making sure all the devices stay downstairs overnight is healthier for everyone. Also make sure your router is set to switch off overnight and that he doesn't know the password.

Fcuk38 · 15/02/2021 13:04

Just turn the internet off at 10pm then your not going to have battle with taking them off him.
New house rule that way none of you have internet etc.

40sNonBlondes · 15/02/2021 13:33

I would say, give DS some warning that this is going to happen. Rule changes work better here with warning, eg this will start on X day rather than a sudden change. My DC (13/15) hand devices in, but they have tried sneakily keeping them by changing the phone inside a case for an old broken one or holding onto a spare xbox controller.

Original poster

whataboutbob · 15/02/2021 13:44

Thanks all.
Yes I do have a device but more than happy to leave downstairs, would have to change passcodes but not a problem.
Turning internet off is difficult because there is a DS17 who has devices overnight without it unduly affecting his school performance or stopping him engaging in other activities.
We can remotely stop his laptop and I believe his phone too but if not we’d ask him to hand in.
Thanks re advising on giving notice. I’m just about to go and talk with him. Will give 24 hour notice.

OP posts:

Original poster

whataboutbob · 15/02/2021 18:27

Ok so it has not gone well. DS got very agitated and shouty, got into a fight with DS17 who came along and got involved. DH had to break it up. He continued the conversation with DS14 and got into listening and counselling mode. To cut a long story he doesn’t want to go down the authoritarian, taking devices away route but has asked him to think of ways he can reduce his time on devices and increase alternative activities. We’ve been here before with no discernible improvement. I’m feeling pretty defeated tbh.

OP posts:

Pashazade · 16/02/2021 07:28

Ugggh that's frustrating. Did DH put any time limit on when these ideas should occur by? Removing devices overnight really isn't that unpleasant/authoritarian. It is just sensible. I'd say you're giving it another week and if no ideas/changes are forthcoming then devices will be removed at 10pm. Tell DH he needs to back you up. Bang on about good sleep hygiene and how it will benefit you all! Good luck!

CodenameVillanelle · 16/02/2021 07:32

You need to just stick to it. Honestly, it's quite ridiculous to be trying to negotiate with him when you know it's the right thing to do and it's harming him that you haven't.
It's ok to be authoritarian with teenagers when you're putting in place a boundary that is for their benefit. Teenagers often don't have the capacity to set their own boundaries and the fact that DH is capitulating because he's been aggressive just shows why you can't give in.

whaa · 16/02/2021 07:33

Am with you - and we can’t urn off wi fi because Dh uses it to sleep. Son is going the same way - now does nothing except games or phone. No books cooking, anything. If I take phone off him he pestered me so I can’t get on. I don’t have a solution, sorry, but share your problem!

cheeseismydownfall · 16/02/2021 07:38

Depending on the devices involved, can you set up parental controls so they just switch off, rather than taking the physical devices? That is what we do with DS(13). I don't care where he charges his phone at night because it is off between 9pm and 7am. Personally I prefer it to a daily argument about handing them over. We use Family Link because we are all on android, but I know apple have a similar app.

Something to think about?

autumnboys · 16/02/2021 07:40

Sorry that DH went for being popular over being a parent.

We have a very similar situation with our 15yo. We have to take the phone/iPad at night or he will text into the early hours. I know the mums from his friendship group quite well and they genuinely do seem fine with their kids becoming semi-nocturnal/missing online lessons because they’re asleep. I’m not okay with that and secondly, DS2 becomes incredibly surly and uncooperative when he’s tired, so we all struggle with the fall out. We also keep his phone during online lessons or I find him texting his mates and not working. The other week the chemistry teacher worked through a paper with them and he was so busy texting he didn’t write anything down and then had to complete the sheet from scratch after school. FFS, so frustrating.

I would leave it a week, then get your husband on side before tackling it again. He has massively undermined you and I would be inclined to ask him how he’s going to resolve it, but my guess would be that he won’t. Be prepared to hide devices. Don’t get sucked into ‘I’m leaving my decide downstairs and so are you’. IME of that one, you’ll be woken by him creeping downstairs to get it when he thinks you’re asleep. Good luck.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 16/02/2021 07:48

I'm sorry your DH (well meaningly) undermined you. You do just have to do this - yes with 24 hours notice but then just weather the storm til its accepted. "I love you, this is for your benefit because your sleep and mood are suffering at the moment, screens can be addictive" is all you need to say each time he gets worked up.

The very fact he is getting shouty proves he needs the break from his 24/7 screens. He's unable to cope with the idea of not having internet access all night - that's dependancy.

Nobody in our house has any screen or internet access once they've gone to bed and this means it is much easier for our teens to accept this is normal. We've tslked to them quite a bit about it and they're on board atm and the nearly 16 year old is quite scathing about classmates who are on the class WhatsApp group at 3am and says she's happy to have an excuse not to get involved in the dramas that play out on WhatsApp over night, which she sees in the mornings.

Could you talk to your 17 year old? Is he in a sendible phase? Could you get him on board voluntarily with turning the router off at 11pm for his little brother's sake?

DinosaurDiana · 16/02/2021 07:51

I used to turn the broadband off when I went to bed and they had to leave their phones downstairs at bed time.
Yes he’ll hate you for it, but parent hating seems to be expected at that age !

CodenameVillanelle · 16/02/2021 07:53

Data plans are so reasonable nowadays that turning the WiFi off won't achieve much.
Just take the phones.

bobisbored · 16/02/2021 07:58

You could download an app that restricts his use. We use OurPact. You can set a schedule for online use on there. When it's off they can't access 4G either.

Eviebeans · 16/02/2021 08:16

Firstly I think you should speak to your husband to get him to realise that he has reinforced the idea that being aggressive gets what he wants. I also don't see why older son who is able to self regulate should give up his own devices. At 14 it is naturally a time to rebel/disagree with parents etc. Screen/phone time seems to be the issue for your son atm - persevere - everyone benefits from a good night's sleep - it could be worse...

sashh · 16/02/2021 08:47

Turning internet off is difficult because there is a DS17 who has devices overnight without it unduly affecting his school performance or stopping him engaging in other activities.

Change the password at night.

MakeMineADoubleCake · 16/02/2021 08:52

Is this the 14 year old you post about constantly under other names? The one with lots of issues?

As something isolated then it's not a problem to just remove devices. Mine is 14 and everything comes out of his room by 10.30 and 10pm when he's at school. No arguments as I've always had this set in stone

It's hard to advise as I suspect he's the one climbing out his bedroom window and generally behaving badly. Have you accessed help yet for him and the wider family?

If you're not the poster I'm thinking of - and there was an identical thread about this the other week- then apologies. Just be firm and present it as non negotiable

MakeMineADoubleCake · 16/02/2021 08:53

And it's not being authoritarian to remove devices from a young teen overnight! It's called parenting.

CherryPavlova · 16/02/2021 09:01

Good gracious. He's fourteen so he doesn't get to make the rules. He's cross but he'll get over it. Good parenting isn't about appeasement and avoiding conflict. Good parenting involves giving clear boundaries and holding them.

Original poster

whataboutbob · 16/02/2021 13:03

@MakeMineADoubleCake- to clarify no it is not me , I do not name change. I think there are a lot of aimless, overly screen reliant 14 year olds right now.
Things got so tense yesterday between DH and I and our different approaches that we had a blazing row, with me going to sleep on the sofa . We have agreed that I will take a step back as I am finding it highly stressful and every interaction with DS is difficult. DH is off work this week, I’m working so he is going to do various things to engage DS in alternative activities. He says he’s still holding on to the possibility of stopping devices at night but wants to see how he goes this week.
The school also rang and were really supportive and are going to refer to a counsellor. They’re exploring different options also in the case that schools do not go back on the 8th. DH is also looking at a family therapy referral.

OP posts:

Beamur · 16/02/2021 13:11

You all sound very stressed out.
Maybe once you've all had time to calm down, have a chat with your DH about how best to support your DD. That way you can hear each other out, decide together how to approach this and then talk it through with DS.
Things are hard for some teens right now and access to screens is a doubled edged thing. Absolutely brilliant for some social life, school work etc, but not so good if it's detrimental to sleep and family life.

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