How do you parent a child who refuses to do anything you ask?

[yellowbeaker]

I have a 12 year old daughter. She is impossible. No matter what we do she doesn't listen. She is essentially living her life as she pleases and refuses to abide by any of the rules we impose. she is rude to teachers. Never does homework and generally doesn't give a fuck about anything.
I have been on every parenting course going and I am at my witts end on how to deal with her. CAMHS wouldn't help. She has had mentors that she won't engage with. I've paid for her to see numerous therapists.
In comparison I have a son who generally does as he is told. He works hard at school. Is polite to teachers etc.

Currently I am trying to work from home. She is supposed to be online lessons, but even when she logs in, she just walks off and doesn't engage in the class.
I don't know where else to turn. She is violent towards me. Treats our home appallingly and speaks to me like shit.

When we try and put any kind of punishment in place she knows exactly what to do to make our lives hell. IE she will terrorise our neighbours banging on the walls when they are trying to sleep.

I am so lost. I don't know what i have done so wrong, I treat her the same as my son and they are completely different.

You can treat them the same...but if they're different people, they're different.
What does she care about? What motivates her?
There must be something she wants that can be a sanction or bargaining piece.
I realise it's hard to be on top of her behaviour when you're also working, so can you catch up with her every day about what she's done/what is outstanding?
Would her form tutor/HoY let you know what she's .issued each day, so you can get her working on catch up when you finish work?
My two are very different, they know I have different expectations of them with regard to different things that they can/cannot handle. They need support in different areas, so I expect them to step up in the areas they're strong in.

If she acts like you are staff you withdraw services.
She can wash her own clothes. Cook wjr own meals. Taxi service is cancelled. No phone top up /WiFi password. No respect =no privileges..

Have a look at pathological demand avoidance, the strategies used may be of help.
www.pdasociety.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/Positive-PDA-booklet.pdf

@Cactusowl
Now, that is helpful. 15 years too late for me, though. But perhaps I can adapt this.

Does she perhaps have oppositional defiance disorder (ODD). There's a great Facebook group for parents of ODD kids who will help to point you in the right direction with regards to strategies and some helpful literature. Alternatively she could just be going through a very difficult teenage phase that she may grow out of. I wish you all the best, it's not easy is it!

Yes pathological demand avoidance (PDA) is a big thing. It is commonly a feature of autism. Your dd sounds a lot like my 2 dds who both have been diagnosed with autism at the beginning of their teen years. I would beg steak or borrow to pay the fees to get her privately assessed by psychologists who can diagnose anything from autism to adhd.

I don't know anything about pda or odd but when I read your post I wondered if perhaps she'd experienced some sort of abuse in the past that you don't know about?

Obviously I don't know if this has been explored and I sincerely hope im way off.

As Tara says above - there could be trauma here - that’s why Autism/PDA is often misdiagnosed for adopted children / it’s actually the trauma but the manifestations are very similar.

My sister had Borderline Personality Disorder - and became really difficult as puberty set in. It was extremely hard work living with her and her behaviour became riskier as she got older.

I think you need to see if she can afford to see a psychiatrist who might be able to help diagnose.

I feel for you.

Can the school put you in touch with an early intervention practitioner? As the internet diagnoses here might be right or might be way off, you need someone to actually see your daughter and suggest what assessments will be helpful. Because they come to your house they will get to meet your daughter. Lots of agencies are offering virtual meets, which is useless if your child refuses to appear on camera or speak.

My dd is 13 and has Autism.
'PDA' is not diagnosed commonly as it is not accepted by most areas.
But she definitely has a PDA profile. There is not much advice from services ime.
It's exhausting.
The general thought amongst the articles I've read is to lower expectations. But it is hard as some things are non negotiable. For me that is keeping clean (showers/baths/teeth/clothes). Almost everything else is a matter of careful tightrope walking.
One thing I have come to learn is that she often doesnt understand what is going on herself - she is just a frightened girl struggling to understand her own emotions. It helps me to remember that when she is staring right in my face (no personal space awareness at all) and screaming: 'NO NO NO' to something like 'would you like pudding' or 'do you want to come and watch the family film with us'.
I guess it's just average Teenage behaviour on steriods?