Can anyone help, son with MH problems says he needs his phone all night

[freckles20]

My 14yo DS has within the last month told me he feels low, sad and unmotivated. I had no idea he was struggling prior to this. The night he told me I found him trying to self harm.

He's been given access to a school counsellor. He's had 3 sessions and has 3 left.

After the first session I had a call to say that they needed to share with me that he has had suicidal thoughts. This was the most terrifying news.

They've not shared anything else, due to confidentiality.

He's also spoken to a friend of mine who is an children's consultant in a different county. She has of course kept his confidence, but she has said she doesn't feel he is in danger.

I know that the school counsellor has helped him put a safety plan in place for if he feels very low. This includes calling or messaging friends, or contacting helplines.

Because of this I decided he should have access to his mobile phone over night. But he's on it all night, often until 3am or later. I pop in to check on him, being as kind and understanding as I can. He won't talk to me about anything at all that is bothering him, or tell me anything other than he is struggling.

It's so hard to know what to do. I feel this lack of sleep must be exacerbating his low mood.

Can anyone help please? I have also posted this in child mental health, I'm sorry to double post but I'm desperate for advice.

You are right. Lack of sleep will make this much worse. Keep talking to him about the value of sleep and exercise and daily walks on mental health and the negative impact of too much phone use on mental health. Show him articles to back you up. He will not want to admit he's listening but say it anyway. It will be going in. He has to believe it and want to improve. Can you encourage him to put his own plan in place to take ownership of trying to get better.
Eg hours of sleep
Exercise regime
Daily walk
Mindfulness away from phone. (Read, Lego, jigsaw, sudoku, baking,) I know at 14 they are only interested in their phones but reach a compromise.
Get him to write a journal of feeling and include everything which is good in his life. Focus on the positives.
Praise constantly no matter how small. Avoid any negative comments.
Ask him to make a list of things he wants to do when everything is back to normal.
Ask him to make you a happy songs party play list for your first social gathering.
Can he meet up with a friend 1-1 for walks.
What is he interested in usually?
Can you see the GP? Maybe they can offer something to help.
Can you boost his nervous system with vit D and vit B?

@Premium5 thank you for your reply, such a lot of great ideas I think I need to make a list.

I'm ashamed to say this has knocked me for six and I've not been as proactive as I should have been in finding things for him to do. He's just not interested in anything which makes it harder, but I know I still need to try.

I stupidly hadn't thought about vitamins. I'll get that sorted.

I'm more normal times he's into music (still having guitar and drum lessons via zoom), kayaking, water sports, animals, and he loves being with his friends but this has stopped happening obviously. He's now only gaming with a small number of friends and efforts to meet up for walks haven't worked out.

I'll find some articles about sleep and show them to him. It's interesting what you've said about it sinking in.

Thank you

We made a mutual 'contract'with our DD so that she felt she had ownership of the decisions. We asked her what she felt was reasonable and I really feel that she felt listened to. It has worked well so far and I feel it has given her some control within our boundaries.

Before, she was very cross about bedtime restrictions as all her friends 'apparently ' have their phones 24/7. Like you, I strongly believe that good sleep hygiene is vital but I can also see how you made the decision to let him have his phone. Fear is a powerful force.
Some more advice I got when I was struggling was, make small talk, keep the conversation light. The small talk often leads to them being more open about the deeper stuff. I can testify to that with my DD.
Look at old photos and videos of when he was small and growing up. They are always funny and remind the child that you love them and will remind them of the good times.
Go for a drive together, (listening to upbeat music) to buy a treat.
Love bomb, make him a cup of tea / breakfast in bed. A little note of encouragement.
Tell him his feelings are normal teen feelings that seem huge right now but will settle. He needs to believe this will pass. I work with teens and y9/y10 by far the most tricky age group anyway without lockdown! Hope things improve soon

Freckles no advice but I’m about to try and withdrawn 24/7 access from my son who also has MH issues. I actually feel he has kind of gaslighted us into this by insisting it’s good for his MH, when it probably is not. I’ve started a thread so if nothing else you can learn from my no doubt large number of mistakes and faux pas. But I think all these devices interfere with sleep and that is not going to help MH, plus you really don’t know what they are accessing and if it is a “dark” website everything is more overwhelming and harder to cope with at night.

If he needs his phone in case he needs to message people overnight, could you give him an old style mobile that just texts and calls for use overnight, so he doesn't have the temptation to browse the internet and stay on it all night? Sorry if that is a stupid idea, but might be a good middle ground?

I'd be worried he was accessing things online that aren't good for his MH though? Are you able to check what he's looking at? And the knock on affects on sleep surely won't help?

@Champagneandmonstermunch

If he needs his phone in case he needs to message people overnight, could you give him an old style mobile that just texts and calls for use overnight, so he doesn't have the temptation to browse the internet and stay on it all night? Sorry if that is a stupid idea, but might be a good middle ground?

I agree. He can speak to friends but not go online as you can't be sure what he is looking at is actually causing the problems. I think you need to try and find out what he is looking at online as well he is only 14 after all

Have you looked at Young Minds website and Papyrus. They have some helpful tips. If he’s depressed he won’t want to do stuff. Just aim for one thing per day, like a walk - fresh air. You’ll likely need to go slow and not push him along too much. It’s really tough parenting a kid with MH problems.
Firstly, ensure there is nothing in his room or easy access to anything that can harm him. Be open about it.
Who is he messaging in the middle of the night? Other 14 year old boys? If it’s Samaritans or similar let him know he can wake you, or get his phone from your bedside. I’m sure you have no issue with him sourcing help.
Speak to your GP. Probably can’t do anything as camhs referrals are impossible, but if you have insurance or can afford it it may be worth looking for a child & adolescent psychiatrist who can assess him, offer therapies and prescribe if necessary.