DD 15 says she feels like she’s not skinny

[Whitehome]

My dd has been crying this morning, I found her in her room upset , took a long time to get out off her what was bothering her and then she finally told me that she is not happy within herself and feels like everyone around her is skinny, I’ve told her that’s she beautiful and perfect (she’s not skinny but she’s not massive either) , teenage years are so hard , any help or advice would be appreciated.
I’ve told
Her we can start eating healthier and she cried and said I’ve tried that before and it doesn’t work , it takes to long ! I said it can’t just happen overnight you have to start somewhere. Advice off what else I can say or do ? She seems to have lost motivation even with schoolwork the last few days

Oh poor girl. I have absolutely no experience sorry but hopefully someone will be along soon with some words of wisdom

who is she following on social media? most celebs on my feeds are anti skinny and are into being fit/strong/crossfit etc. maybe she is surrounding herself with the wrong images

Hi thanks for replying, yeah I think social media may have a lot to do with it, I’ve asked her to come off it for a while as it’s not real life, it’s hard taking to her and trying to explain.
She’s a lot happier today, sometimes she just gets upset and thinks about stuff, being in lockdown doesn’t help, to much time to
Think.
I’m going to try and get her out to exercise a bit more, it’s hard getting her motivated but I think it will help her mentally aswell.

*Talking not taking

How is she today @Whitehome?

I'd just support her to get healthier if that's what she wants. We are all less fit than we were before all of this I think.

I've got two teenage daughters and they were really active in the first lockdown. But this one is a different kettle of fish as it's dark by the time live lessons finish. Mine only get thirty minutes for lunch so they can only go out at the weekends now.

How old is she?
My DD is 16 and being skinny isn’t aspirational for her peer group, they want to be slim but boobs and bum are important too. It’s a more sporty look

@BunnyRuddington

How is she today *@Whitehome*?

Hi she’s ok, she really is up and down at the minute, some days she’s joking and laughing and the next she’s quiet and in her room thinking! It doesn’t help that’s she’s an only child and hasn’t much company only me and her dad- and some days she hates us and the next we are her best friend! Thanks for asking

@Hoppinggreen

How old is she? My DD is 16 and being skinny isn’t aspirational for her peer group, they want to be slim but boobs and bum are important too. It’s a more sporty look

She is 15

Is she looking at photoshopped and filtered images?

Who want to be skinny? I was like a bloody rake until I had a kid and was usually insulted and asked if I was bulimic. And I ate and drank like a horse on steroids.

@SchwingLow

I'd just support her to get healthier if that's what she wants. We are all less fit than we were before all of this I think.

I've got two teenage daughters and they were really active in the first lockdown. But this one is a different kettle of fish as it's dark by the time live lessons finish. Mine only get thirty minutes for lunch so they can only go out at the weekends now.

Thanks i will try, it’s so hard to get her motivated at the minute but I need to push her more, I’m probably guilty off being lazier myself this lockdown x

@ThatIsNotMyUsername

Is she looking at photoshopped and filtered images?

Who want to be skinny? I was like a bloody rake until I had a kid and was usually insulted and asked if I was bulimic. And I ate and drank like a horse on steroids.

I’m not sure what she’s exactly seeing on social media but I’m sure it’s mostly filtered photos as I’ve told her , she also mentioned girls in school that are slim and they are popular because they’re slim,(she feels like she doesn’t fit it)

I wouldnt go down the route of offering healtjy eatibg and plans to lose weight, even healthily. As it may still not be reachable. For example im curvy, carrying some extra weight atm, but when in tip top shape, im hourglass. Ill never be skinny.

It may be better to sit down with her and show her beautiful women more her body type, to change her perception of skinny is the best.

I remember being a similar age and hating my full lips. My mum grabbed a pile of magazines and showed me all the models with big lips, the lip glosses that guaranteed plumpness, etc etc to give me better and different examples of beauty, in relation to me and my body. Really stuck with me and still feel that little realisation and confidence boost when i think about it.

I think you're spot on Scottish. DS went through a phase of hating the gap in his front teeth. I did the same think, plus heaping compliments on him.

Last time it came up in conversation he said how much he likes it now.

Does she actually need to lose weight? If not, then i think rather than going down the "let's all be healthy together" route you need to focus on the fact that being skinny isn't the decider of attractiveness or worth.

She must be a in a very unusual social circle to only see skinny teens in it. Most of them are plump that I see.

I imagine if it were my DD I'd be asking "What does skinny mean?' because the words don't mean anything definite. And why does it seem important to her. There are bound to be some weird underlying assumptions in her head, and getting her to decide what her values are and what she wants to matter to her for the right reasons is part of helping them to make good choices and decide what to care about.

My 14 years old daughter is the same. She is trying to lose weight and become skinny although I have told her she is beautiful also it is normal for teenagers to go through that phase.
Social media does not help stereo typical pictures of women and girls being perfect, just nonsense, best is just support her and she would be happy. My daughter eats less, does exercise although covid has not helped much.

Bet it’s TIk Tok. My DD 17 said you get teen girls posting videos of them dancing then hundreds of comments about body shape etc. My DD is a slim 6/8 but I’ve heard her say it’s not fashionable to be slim, you need to have a chunky bum like Pretty Little Thing models. One idea of perfection has been replaced by another . Feel sorry for young women and men growing up in this era.
OP if she not overweight I wouldn’t go down a route if trying to change her. Just focus on being a strong ,confident and caring person.

If it helps, just do exercise together because I do the same with my teenager and makes her feel happy as if she is doing something even though they are perfectly fine.

OP, it's unlikely your DD is "not skinny" because of what she eats. At this age it really is all about exercise.

Body confidence is a huge issue at this age, and I believe it's a lot to do with high school. We spend our primary years racing around, playing tag and skipping rope and keepng naturally fit. High school brings all that spontaneous fun to a shuddering halt. My high school (1980s) banned this type of activity, and my 13yo DD's school (supposedly a progressive maker of stong, independent young women) is much the same.

Schools need to acknowledge the health benefits of these playground games. But they don't, so you will have to help her explore other options. And, in all likelihood, pay for them. Sorry!

Seriously, I think blaming social media is just dodging the issue. I'm 55, so have lived through decades of blame of fashion mags, supermodels, Lara Croft, Instagram and whatever. No amount of blaming the media is going to change the real problem -- the lack of incidental and spontaneous exercise for teenagers.

So, OP, as we're stuck in a sluggish old-before-your-time society, you and your DD will have to find a move'n'groove that suits her. Help her find something she enjoys, whether it's soccer or ballet or roller-skating or walking/running laps on the oval while listening to music. If she dares, she can gather a group of friends for something fun -- Sly Fox, skipping, elastics, whatever! Or spin some records for a kitchen disco.

I feel for you both, and I wish things had changed from my time.

Hi thanks for all your answers, I’m really going to try and get her out exercising more, she’s definitely not massively overweight but she wouldn’t be slim either - I would say she’s slightly over the average but definitely not much so maybe out walking and eating healthier as a family will definitely help, she just is hard to get motivated but if you push her to go out walking she does it , thanks for all your answers 😊

Have a family target of 10k steps a day. Prize for reaching it(not edible)

I am not sure I agree about putting the blame on lack of exercise. In France, teenagers drown under school work, nobody does any activity and the majority of teens are skinny (and the majority don;t smoke either ) . Here in Australia, everyone does a ton of sport, and I mean a serious double digits hours of sport, and a lot of teens are overweight or in general not slim.

Walking will make very little difference if weightloss even if it is great for health.You need to focus on what you cook and buy.

Can you put examples of what she eats and drinks ?

She actually eats quite healthy as we cook most food from fresh although I will admit that lately we have been treating ourselves a lot more to takeaways (maybe once a week) and more chocolate biscuits than usual! We do need to make changes in both food and exercise to try and make a difference , I think once she sees a small difference she may be happier.

Homemade isn't equal to healthy.
Some homemade dishes can very fattening. I make a mean lasagna which is a heart attack on a plat, oozing with cheese. I cook everything from scratch, even my own bread, some dishes are healthy, others not at all.

Maybe increase the quantity and variety of vegetables, making it a challenge to eat 20 different ones every week. So green beans salad with tomatoes, red onion, and tuna for one meal, grated carrot with parsley in the evening, a pumpkin and carrot soup, asparagus grilled in a pan, celery salad with orange juice, roasted leeks, and so on, with always a main like a steak, grilled chicken breast, an omelette,

So instead of removing, you add stuff. Increase the variety of vegetables will also change her gut bacteria for more healthy species, defiantly increase her fibre intake, and also help with moods.

Make it something to look forwards. Pick a new veggie each and look for recipes. Kale chips, fennel salad, learn to do dressing, vinaigrette, and then test the taste in the evening or weekend,

The human body is very resistant to changes, and will try to save weight instead of losing it. So trying to make changes that have little to no impact on weight will lead to frustration.

If you only reduce quantity instead of changing the what, she will just suffer.