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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Anyone up? I'm at my wit's end!

18 replies

strangestranger · 10/02/2021 02:35

Hi there
I just wanted to vent really about the last year of lockdown and school closure and my daughter's behaviour. She is in her final year at school and is just so negative about everything. She is plain nasty when she speaks to me and my husband. She sucks the joy out of a room. I know it's been a tough year for her but I just lost my temper with her and told her that she was bloody rude and that if she didn't do some studying she would not get to university. Things got heated and I threw some of her food from the fridge in the bin. She told me I was crazy (I'm on anti-depressants but I'm balanced IYSWIM. )
It's just constant. I'm a teacher and she regularly says that I don't work as hard as her/she has exams etc etc. I do work hard. I'm head of year but she has no respect for me at all. Honestly I don't want her to fail her exams but I will support her whatever the results are in these tough times. I just wish she would find some positives in life.
Any advice from anyone? She's just gone off to her maths tutor and no doubt will be slagging me off to her. I am paying a fortune for her tutors and there is not a jot of gratitude.
Sorry to rant. Please help anyone!

OP posts:
Hailtomyteeth · 10/02/2021 02:47

No advice but I remember I counted the days till my (much loved) daughter went to university. It's nature's way of making the parting bearable for us.

KarmaNoMore · 10/02/2021 02:56

You are going to support her no matter what. Stop pressuring her about studying, I would much rather she went to a uni/college that matched her capacity and self discipline that her failing by going to one where she cannot succeed without her mum organising things for her.

It is well past midnight and my son is studying, he has spent two hours playing in the Xbox, his room is a pigsty, he is waking up after midday if he doesn’t have early lessons or is the weekend but... he seems happy and is getting very good grades so I am giving him some space and choosing my battles, otherwise I would have killed him by now!

TaraR2020 · 10/02/2021 02:58

She's a teenager and you're stuck in the house together!

Her attitude is clearly unacceptable, I'm not saying you should put up with it.

Maybe her accusation about her working harder than you stems from stress over her exams and immediate future?

You're used to juggling different stresses and your job against everything else, but I still remember so easily how intense those exam periods were. How your entire future hung off just a few short hours. There wasn't any room for anything else - and in fact, when parents and teachers kept hammering it home how many hours you should be putting into preparing for exams...We were left with the idea that nothing else was as important.

Can't imagine how scary it must be to do it under lockdown, after a year of lockdowns!

Having said that, absolutely no judgement for losing your temper - my parents would have done the same.

Don't worry about her bitching to her maths tutor, they're not going to take her word for it!

I think you might just have to grit your teeth and see it through, you sound like a great mum. Soon she'll be off to uni and ringing you in tears whenever she's getting stressed about assignments and exams instead of storming out Grin

You'll get your lovely daughter back agaim and she'll realise all you've done for her.

Monty27 · 10/02/2021 03:08

OP at that age their world is rocking between growing up and taking charge for themselves. It's a shit time to be growing up.
Try your utmost not to react. She needs you both to understand stuff she doesn't understand herself.
It's not easy 🌻

strangestranger · 10/02/2021 03:09

Awww thank you everyone. She has put a lot of pressure on herself to be honest by applying to really top unis. I've actually tried not to hassle her about studying but it just came out as I wanted to say something hurtful because I was angry.
The worst thing is that we live in South East Asia and she will have to go to uni on her own as we have 3 weeks' quarantining here and I'm working. My school will not let me go. She is actually lovely normally but like everyone else at the moment there's just so much pressure and stress. Thank you for comments. I'm going to try to not lose my temper again. It just makes me feel like shit that I've upset her during this stressful time.

OP posts:
goldielockdown2 · 10/02/2021 03:10

Not the point but as you've already had great advice...I'd hit the roof if someone threw my food out the fridge Shock

strangestranger · 10/02/2021 03:15

Yes - the food was a low point on my part. I'm feeling pretty bad about it.

OP posts:
Monty27 · 10/02/2021 03:46

Tell her you're proud of her.
And don't throw her food away! That's neither kind or mature OP

strangestranger · 10/02/2021 03:51

I've already told her how sorry I am. I'm really not happy with the way I responded. Thank you everyone. She's just got back from tutoring and we are going to make pizza together tonight. Hopefully it won't end up in the bin. Blush

OP posts:
lydia2021 · 10/02/2021 03:54

Hi. 15..... normal behaviour for this age group.. exams...PMT. are you sure it wasnt PMT related. This argument. And apologising for the food going in the bin.... good idea. You have tutors for her and shes going to them so she is working towards her future...... D will start ,to treat you better when shes gone to uni etc. All the angst at this age is about separation from parents into adulthood and Questioning everything our parents stand for... I was awful at 15... my mother died some years ago... I would give anything to just spend time with her. Although I did look after her for 5 years when she had dementia. Stay strong, and she will be your D again. Not the hard work she is now. Listen to relaxing music to de stress

strangestranger · 10/02/2021 05:00

Thank you Lydia - relaxing music - definitely!

OP posts:
JustDanceAddict · 10/02/2021 09:09

We all lose it sometimes. It’s stressful for everyone atm, but I have to say if your dd needs loads of tutors at this stage, maybe she’s overstretched herself and is really stressing about the results of exams.

The stress is coming out at you, unfortunately but it’s what they do. Mine went to uni in Sept, and went back k after Xmas too as it just works better for all of us for so many reasons!!!

ufgfo · 10/02/2021 19:20

Yes, another one here who is told I don't work as hard etc. My teen (approaching 15) daughter has turned nasty. She calls me two faced and has punched my arm recently (this was over outstanding school work). She is very negative toward me and has told me she doesn't want to talk to me unless it is because I want to give her money. The teachers kept e-mailing me about outstanding work and about her not attending on-line lessons (we're talking a lot of lessons). The stress became too much (I am perimenopausal too which isn't helping). I've tried to get her to look at the longer term picture re A levels etc. She is refusing any assistance with her mental health whereas I'm waiting for face to face counselling when covid eases. She is negative and quite honestly, I hope she does move out to uni. etc. because the responsibility of trying to keep her on track with everything feels overwhelming especially as I have younger children too. You have my sympathy.

Jonesy1983 · 10/02/2021 23:13

I totally feel you, I have a son who is in his final year, we have tried to give him space and independence to do his school work, we have told him if he needs support all he has to do is ask, not only has, he not bothered with his school work but he has been lying about doing it and handing it in, I feel as though it's my fault as I'm not always home, I am a front line worker in the community, and my husband also works as a key worker, we are at the end of our tether and don't know what to do or anything, I know it's no help but I feel you pain, your not alone 💕

MadameTuffington · 10/02/2021 23:14

She will emerge a lovely young lady one day! DD18 was horrific between 13 and 17 - running away, SS involved, self harming, vile towards me, I was constantly gritting my teeth and tip toeing around, oh and there was the experimentation with LSD and copious amounts of ProPlus! She has just got into Manchester Uni to read Law and is (mostly) charming - my other DD14 is very tricky right now but I see light at the end of the tunnel because of my experiences with her older sister.

Hold tight 🌸🌸

freckles20 · 11/02/2021 13:43

@MadameTuffington great to hear that your DD came out of the other end.

Can you give me any advice about coping with this stuff? My 14yo DS is really struggling atm, and we've had to let things slip for the sake of his MH (advised by counsellor and school support). I'm desperately worried about him, and my reaction is making things worse tbh, and making it harder to be the parent that he needs me to be.

I want to learn how to cope with this, before I have a breakdown.

Any advice would be wonderful.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 11/02/2021 21:29

I’ve bloody had it up to here with 14 year olds as well. Mine kicked me today, so that’s the end of her spends this month.

I’m sick of her refusal to discuss anything, shouting, just general horribleness. I dislike her at the moment.

MadameTuffington · 14/02/2021 11:38

@freckles20 oh dear, it’s realy really tough I know - my youngest DD14 is 80% non compliant with schoolwork at the moment and fluctuates between pleasant and hideous most of the time - boys tend to withdraw in teen years whereas girls fight - I would just let your son know that you are there for him, don’t pry too much - I think most teen boys don’t enjoy their Mum’s displaying emotion - It’s a cliche but, above all else, keep the lines of communication open - it will eventually pass and these awful times are never forever x

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