14 year DS has driven me to tears!

[Harperhan]

My 14 year old son has today pushed me over the edge to the point of tears. I am a fairly level headed person but his behaviour is having such a negative impact on us as a family. He has always been a cold fish and always been standoffish. Never been one for cuddles and bedtime stories. Always been fiercely independent. Homeschooling has been hard for him, as he is not academic and just wants to be out doing practical things on our farm. Unfortunately he is Year 10 and needs to get on and do some work for his GCSEs next year. I have tried to be the nice mum and offer help and advice, but he just pushes me away saying it is all fine. I will then get numerous e mails saying his work is sloppy and poor. He just can't seem to see that it isn't acceptable and that at the moment he will be lucky to scrape a level 4 in Maths and English.

He is a nightmare to live with and possibly the most selfish person I know. He is obsessed with his phone, so I locked it down during the school day. He found a way around it and was back on social media and calling friends today. The phone is now in my desk drawer. I find him so hard to trust when at every turn schoolwork isn't being done or he is trying to get round sanctions that have been put in place. We have always said to our boys we don't care what your grades are as long as you have tried your best, so aren't pushy grade hungry parents. It doesn't help that he has two younger brothers who are brilliant when it comes to schoolwork and just get on with it.

Today was one step too far. I walked into his room to find him on the phone to a friend and he tells me that his Teams lesson isn't working properly because he can't hear anything. Miraculously when I suggest he press the unmute button the sound was there. It was no accident and was definitely a purposeful act to avoid his DT lesson. I hit the roof and an almighty row ensued to the point I can't look at him or speak to him at the moment. It was one thing too far.

I don't know what I am looking for on here but my sons actions of being lazy, unmotivated, selfish and untrustworthy make me angry, sad and anxious all at the same time. He has no spark to want to do well and never has. Like any parent I want him to do well and be happy, but he is sucking the life blood out of us all with his negative attitude.

My secondary school has started taking students who are refusing to do work from home and having them attend the school based provision alongside key workers and other vulnerable students.

Have you spoken to his school to explain the difficulty he is having engaging with the work being set? They should be offering support in some form, such as a personal tutor who checks in regularly via phone calls and emails and monitors his work and hopefully takes some of the strain off you.

I highly recommend contacting his school and asking for more support and having a discussion on whether they can offer him a place at the school based provision.

Contact the school and see if they will have him in. Lots are for kids who aren't engaging. If he isnt academic then a 4 in maths and English is all he really needs to get an apprenticeship or get on a practical college course. My year 9 DS is not academic and I have told him if he fails maths and English he will have to keep resitting it until he gets it as it is a minimum requirement. I told him when he is at college studying plumbing (what he wants to do) everyone else will do the plumbing work then go home and he will be staying behind to do maths and English that seemed to focus his mind.

Thanks guys. The school are being fantastic and his tutor calls him twice a week but it seems to make no difference. He sometimes completely forgets to even speak to him and doesn't seem bothered when I tell him how rude it was. He is at an independent school and there are only 3 senior school kids in, one of which is his best friend who is equally as lazy. I think if he went in he would just mess around with him. The school aren't supervising 100% of the time. as it is a 100% live timetable. The kids are in the library with teachers popping in and out. I just despair with how selfish and lazy he is. If you met him you would say what a lovely lad and I am sure he will be fine when he gets to college. Snapchat, Instagram etc need banning it turns him into a monster.

How is he when he is actually in school? My DS (age 13 Y8) does really well when in school, good effort grades and reports but finds home learning really hard, is very unmotivated and needs his teachers there physically to learn properly. His school's online provision is fantastic but home learning just doesn't work for him. He was the same during the last lockdown but had a great Autumn term, made v good progress and got himself where he needed to be.

I'm gutted he is at home again and isn't building on that progress and it does make me anxious like you that he isn't getting on and we have had rows over it. However, I do think once he's back in he will be ok and judging on last term the progress will be there.

I know Y8 gives my DS more time than yours in Y10 but hopefully they wont be off as long as before and will get going again properly once back to school. I've started backing off a bit and supporting where I can, not letting him get away with doing nothing but leaving him to it more. I haven't had emails from his teachers yet but will tackle that if we do. It is so so hard for them at home and I think I'd rather not have constant rows and stress over home learning and have a good relationship with him. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed this won't go on for ever!

Get 'our pact' app. It controls their apps from your phone.

We recently had to remove my daughter's phone for several days due to the same sorts of things.

She was allowed it back only after we agreed on a 'contract' and agreed limits on phone use.

Things are going much better since this has happened.

We have limits on the apps set on the phone but she can gain more time if she does more school work.

Good luck.

You can take a horse to water but you cant make it drink.

I wouldnt pay for independent schooling for someone who wasnt bothered. I'd sit him down and talk to him about his future. If he doesnt want to do gcses but does want to work on the farm then I'd strongly consider letting him do that. College will always be there if/ when he's ready for it.

I don’t have any real advice but just wanted to say I am experiencing exactly the same thing with my 14yo. He was actually very academic but a combination of lockdown, phone addiction and a friendship group including kids who are experiencing depression and self harm have combined to make him disengage with online learning. His mood is low, he’s missed lessons because he thought they were not online ( or so he claims) . It’s a shocking drop in motivation and achievement compared to a year ago. This is just to say this situation is tough for our kids, as we all know. My approach has been to try and win his trust ( he was scared of being judged and didn’t disclose his low mood for some time) and I am going to use half term to help him commit to a plan for 1) being up to date with homework 2) less phone use overnight 3) more concentration during lessons. Good luck!

So you’re paying fees for him to do feck all? How would he feel about being moved to a state school? I’d be inclined to say to him that if he’s putting no effort into his education you’re not going to keep wasting money on it.

You’d need to give a term’s notice so I’d tell him that you expect him to show huge improvements in his attitude and to have better reports from his teachers or you’ll be giving the school notice at Easter. Also, he might have to repeat year 10 when he moves to a state school.

He can’t just leave school now and work on the farm. Legally he has to stay in education until he is 18. He is going to look at apprenticeships etc as soon as he can.

Pulling him out of the independent school is also not an option for him. He does limited work now but his teachers are amazing at dragging him along to get the golden Level 4s in Maths, Science and English. He also gets additional learning support to help him with anything he is struggling with. If we sent him to a state school I am pretty sure he would do a good job of being the grey man under the radar completely.

I just get so frustrated with this whole situation. He is actually a very bright capable boy who could do well if he just tried. We are on half term this week so life will be all good as he will be out working.

I have 3, my youngest is 13.
I think 13/14 is the hardest part of the teenage years anyway. They want to be adults, but don't yet have the maturity to combine action and consequences over the long term (ie in terms of work)

I also think that lockdown is crap for this age, as it is so hard to motivate themselves.

I have no miracle cures, but I have lots of sympathy.

They are just always on a knife edge between allowing support and chucking it all in your face at the best of times.

Just some thoughts

1. How does he get his phone back? You said he 'gets round it' and that you walked in to his room and he 'had' his phone.

Well, if you want to take the phone away, then lock and key, or in your pocket, or find a place he won't look. No phone during school lessons, but allow it outside of lessons for contact with friends.

1. Really, really, if at all possible, send him back to school. Let him be accountable at school for his messing around, put a break in again between school and home.
2. You know what? He is year 10. He will be back in school in a month, he has a year to get that grade 4 on maths and English. I think once schools go back, you will be surpirsed at how quickly he gets back on track, especially in an independant school. A lot of this is home schooling via a screen. Live lessons have advantages, but bugger me, I would hate to sit and do live lessons on a screen all day, and however much the teachers try, in the end it is a screen. Again, and Again. For WEEKS. I have a lot of sympathy with kids and teachers struggling with this.
3. He wants to help on the farm? Good. Over half term get him outside, get him doing something physical and off line and generally forget school for a week. Re-engage as a family in some way, do something daft, have a family sleepover in the lounge, make home made pizzas together, basically, anything.
4. My 13 year old is banned from doing school in her bedroom. She uses either lounge, or kitchen. That way I can see, out of the corner of my eye, what she is up to. It is a pain, I work from home, I keep having to move where I am working, but it helps.

But take a step back. This is lockdown, and it will be over soon

I wasn’t very clear. I was meaning you could use it as motivation if you think he would care about leaving his school friends. If he spends all his time talking to them then the threat of changing schools might work. Obviously it wouldn’t work if he doesn’t care where he goes to school or if he has lots of friends at the local state school too.

Maybe showing him how it is relevant to work on the farm might help.

I think at 14 my brothers were lazy - to varying extents. You kind of have to sit next to them to do it with them for homework. I’m sure farm admin will involve lots of numbers. Work with him in a specific area (eg multiplication by decimals), over half term and show him that if he puts effort in, it gets results. Good luck!

I feel that frustration!! I have one who is similar. The teachers are tearing their hair out trying to get through to him.

As for your boy, it won't change anything but for the moment, you could try to look at a couple of bright sides that I noticed in your post. Firstly, he wants to get out and do things on the farm. That is brilliant. There are so many parents who wish their sons would show some kind of interest in anything productive and useful, or even want to be outside being active. Secondly, he's got friends! That shows that something's going right with him as a person and you as parents. It's so hard when a teen is very isolated and lonely with no friends at all. Thirdly, his teachers are invested and they care. He's got multiple adults in his corner including you, and that will help him get through this horrendous time of lockdowns and pandemic.

Parenting teens can be a nightmare of frustration and guilt.. can only hope there's light at the end of the tunnel!

I am having this with my 14 year old, I used to get really mad with him but it made no difference. I have noticed that if I sit with him his work ethic is brilliant, he is a perfectionist and will do amazing work but he just can't motivate himself to start and sit there by himself.

It seems to be a result of lockdown as he has always been fine before. In fact he has always been very independent and I remember as a primary school child never even checking his homework as it was always done well and on time. We just have to be patient I think but I do feel your pain.