14 year old DD

[Applejack87]

Hi , my dd is coming up to 15 and she’s really getting me down with her cheek & answering back ok times are different to when I was her age but there’s no way I would have spoken to my mum
The way I which she speaks to me
How do you all deal with it ?

Depends...is it out of the blue? What is she saying/doing?

Tbh she’s always been a bit of a handful from a young age , I appreciate that teens are going through a tough time atm & I do give Lee way for this but she’s so ungrateful & rude
I’m sure a lot of other parents are going through the same I’m just wondering how others deal with it talking to my dd calmly just seems to make matters worse

Don't give her any spending money.

Hard isn't it? I think they're exploring the boundaries for acceptable communication, problem solving and boundaries. They can be so harsh / self righteous and judgemental. My general rule though is that we all speak to each other respectfully and within reason so if it isn't I'll tell her to go away and rethink it. Doesn't always work!

What is she saying/doing?

You tell her what is and isn’t acceptable, and what her punishment will be if she crosses the line. Then you follow through with it.

I’m taking her devices after school this evening & she can help prepare dinner , it’s a meal that she enjoys , I’ve told her any more rudeness and the phone goes again tomorrow , I think it’s water off a ducks back at times
I think life skills are very important but she’s so reluctant she’d spend all day on her phone

I tell my 14 year old to repeat what she's just said and if she'd like me to talk to her in that manner. Sometimes I tell her to think about her behaviour and come back to me with an amended version. Peers and friends are very important at that age. I withdraw her phone (which you are doing) her Zoom privileges and her video games. (She has zoom meet-ups in lieu of being given able to go out and see her mates). Sometimes poor behaviour comes from fights with former friends, with authority such as teachers, and with family members. She can also kick off because of boredom and needs distraction.

Thanks still to work , it is a tricky age & the current situation with Covid adds to it
I have explained to her that her tone is unacceptable & she doesn’t appreciate it if people I.e her friends are rude to her . We don’t allow mobiles in the bedrooms all night & that applies to the whole family she knows that on a school night all phones go on charge at 9pm it gives time to wind down from devices we’re all in bed by 10pm Howevef she resents this & tells me that kids in her year are allowed their phones all night & start face timing late , well that’s up to their parents although I do understand her frustration but I don’t know how this kids can concentrate for school the following day ,

She's nearly 15 and has to be in bed by 10pm??

No wonder she's pissed off.

@tarapinn

She's nearly 15 and has to be in bed by 10pm??

No wonder she's pissed off.

When does your 14 to go to bed??

Are you usually so rude tarapinn !! 10pm suits us all during the week maybe you allow your kids to stay up all hours on their phones but kids need their sleep to function on a school day & tbh I never went to bed late at her age I enjoyed my sleep but that’s neither here nor there she’s not as you put it pissed off at going to bed at 10pm , she’s out like a light . I didn’t ask for advice on bed times

Depends what she's saying and how she is saying it. If she's being rude, I find it useful to point out (sometimes after the occasion if we need time to clam down) that the way she spoke to me was inappropriate and that she needs to find other ways of talking to me. However, if she has a valid point and just not putting it across well, I think you need to treat this as a different issue.

For example, 9pm is quite early to be off her phone - particularly at the moment when access to phone is the only means of socialising and she has limited option to do other activities. So I think you might have to cut her some slack on that one.

I do have "jobs" that my teens are expected to do - as part of living here. Basically that's cook once a fortnight (they take it in turns on my "busy" day), lay table and clear away after meals, keep room hygienic, and join in with weekly family house clean (hoover, clean kitchens and bathrooms etc).

No my dc are not up all hours on phones etc. They willingly give them to me at bedtime. The timing of which is not fixed. It depends what's been on tv, how tired they are, what they have on the next day etc. All very relaxed and with no drama whatsoever.

It was just the ' we're all in bed by 10pm' comment. Just seems a bit ott for a family with teens but I guess we're all different 🤷‍♂️

I do think that kids need to be cut some slack in these unprecedented times. I have become alot more relaxed since March as these kids lives have been totally fucked up and putting rules on wgenbabd how phones can be used only adds to their worries. They have lost all social contact and talking to their friends over facetime or verbally is literally the only contact they get. I have no rules now over phones in the bedroom - they have to be up at 8am toog on but not up at 6am abs havecto get ready for school. Without me nagging both kids over these last 6 months have learnt to self regulate and my son now brings his phone downstairs at 10pm to charge overnight and my 14yr old is rarely on it after 11pm. They both go to sleep when they are tired which is very rarely after 11pm but they have figured these things out for themselves and they have become so independent and able to think for themselves. I think learning to self regulate is a great skill and I am sure if it hadn't been for lockdown I would still be dictating bed times and phone usage.