Teenager attending funeral

[candle18]

My boys are 11 and 14. Their gran has died quite suddenly and they’re obviously upset but seem to be coping okay. I’m thinking my 14 year old should have the choice of whether to attend the funeral but he has anxiety on and off and over the past few years he has brought up death as being one of his anxieties. I’m therefore just not sure whether going to the funeral would be a comfort to him or very distressing and make his worries worse. I feel the 11 year old is too young but just not sure as this is their first grandparent to pass away.

My boys were a similar age when their grandad died (DH's Dad). They both came to the funeral but I knew they would need support and I also needed t I support DH and Dmil. My parents came to the funeral and were primed to step in and look after the boys if they needed a hug.

6 years on they are both glad they came to the funeral and it definitely helped DS2 who has always had terrible anxiety. It is however a very personal decision and you know your boys best particularly in these strange times.

My Ds's aged 15 and 18 have been in the exact same situation recently, their grandma died unexpectedly in January and the funeral was last week. My youngest ds has always had a fear about death, couldn't talk about it without getting upset , at times thoughts of family members dying prevented him from sleeping. He initially refused to go but after explaining the process of exactly what would happen, he thought there would be an open casket, and talking about how it's a chance to say goodbye and celebrate their life, he did agree to go. I do believe it's one of life's lessons and while he did find it upsetting he also found it quite enlightening especially as he found out facts about her life that he was not previously aware of and in the end was glad he went. It helps the healing process, at lot of his fears were based on the unknown and you can help him through that.

Mine went to their grandad’s funeral at 15 & 13 and were obviously upset but not any more than they would’ve been at 11. I’d say give both of them a choice - the 11 year old may want to go as a way of saying goodbye, and it’s not something they can get back if you don’t let them. Explain what will happen, then let them to decide.

They are both old enough to have explained to them the ceremony behind funeral and why we have them to say goodbye and comfort the grieving. To hear practically what happens. To understand a sense of duty to go to a funeral, but also because they are children it is their choice, no choice is wrong, and as their parents you will be beside them and support them throughout.

Then let them decide.

Mine went to their grandad's funeral when they were almost 12 and 9.

Neither is particularly anxious though.

Thanks all, that’s really helpful. Yes I’ll try to talk them through what would happen and give them a choice. I think it’s difficult that only 20 people are allowed due to COVID as it makes it a very different experience to that where there are lots of people paying their respects then a funeral tea to chat and remember the loved one.

@readallaboutit that’s reassuring to know that your ds had similar anxieties and attending the funeral didn’t make it worse. I think it’s true that the fear of the unknown makes it all scarier.

One of mine was four/five at their first funeral. It was no issue at a.

Surely avoiding such everyday things make the fear worse?

I think they are both old enough to attend. PILs are Catholic so when FIL died our 3DC all attended the funeral, they were 5, 8 and 10. They were all very well behaved at the graveyard and in the church (MIL asked our eldest to sit with her in the church and she hugged her granny through the service and was a great comfort to her), coped fine, and have not been traumatised by it. I think we do children a disservice to not involve them in an important part of life.

I’m sorry for your loss

In my family the tradition is grandchildren go to funerals. My DC first went to a funeral at ages 3 & 4 (great-grandparent), at 8 & 6 (grandparent) and most recently at 9 & 11 (grandparent). They’ve been fine at all ages and whilst the most recent was all Covid rules so very unfamiliar and distressing in some ways they coped really well and it was incredibly important.

For me, at 11 years old I know I’d feel left out if I couldn’t be included. I know my 11 year old would feel similar, and their younger sibling. Different if it was a distant relative but for a grandparent I personally think it’s important to include them.

My DD attended her first funeral at 6 months and 2 more before she was 5. Her most loved great grandma passed 3 years ago when she was 7 and there was no way she wasn’t going to the funeral.

I was shielded from a very close death as a small child and 40 years on still haven’t been able to grieve. I always wanted her to know the truth about death - it’s a part of life - but those we love never really leave us because they live in our hearts (we don’t do heaven etc).

Funerals are a really important part of the grieving process. I’d be encouraging rather than preventing them from going.

My father in law died this week, his grandchildren range from 12-18. All children have been given the choice to go to his funeral, all but one have said yes. Totally up to the children if they want to go. The youngest is our youngest son (eldest is 17) and we've been very honest with him about it being a sad event. We're just having immediate family so I think that's less pressure - he'd be embarrassed if he got upset in front of strangers

My fil died in October my 4 and 6 year old were there. There were only 20 allowed and dh felt as the only grandchildren they should be allowed to say goodbye. We explained everything to them beforehand so they wouldn't be frightened and would know exactly what to expect. They both were great on the day and while sad and a few tears were shed they helped my dh enormously being there too. And some of fils family too. Perhaps at their age you could explain the whole process, assume they have no knowledge of what will happen, ask have they further questions and let them decide.

My DC have been to every close family member’s funeral since they were born. We are very open about death, and I think it is just as important, if not more, for a child to be able to have some closure than an adult. I think funerals are a massively important way of saying goodbye to somebody, and to release your emotions. Mine are now well past the age where they start to understand the significance of a funeral, and the hardest time they have had with coping was with a relative whose funeral they were unable to attend due to Covid restrictions.

My DDs aged 11 and 15 went to their grandfather’s funeral. DD2 has chronic anxiety and was in therapy at the time. I discussed it with her therapist, and the therapist said DD2 needed to decide herself. She wanted to go.

Both DDs were tearful during the service, but it was such a special experience to hear from their grandfather’s friends about his childhood and what he meant to them. DS (aged 7) came for the wake.

Both DDs also chose to go to their grandmother’s funeral - 5 months later. And, again, it was the right thing for them and helped them grieve.

I’m sorry for your family’s loss OP

I’m sorry for your loss OP. Sadly my 2 DC had attended the funerals of both sets of grandparents and my sister before either of them had reached the age of 8. I made the decision to involve them as I think it’s important for them to be involved and to have the chance to say goodbye properly to a person they loved. They were also a huge comfort at the time. They are teenagers now and we have spoken about the funerals from time to time, neither of them have been adversely affected by being involved.

Thanks everyone. I’m reassured that it will be good for them to attend if they want to. @TitsOot4Xmas that’s a lovely saying ‘those we love never really leave us because they live in our hearts’ ❤️

Ds1 went to his granddads funeral at 8 and his grandmas at 16
Ds was too young for his granddad and was 8 when he went to his grandmas funeral
They both coped well because they were prepared before hand.

One of ds grans dies suddenly last year and because of Covid restrictions numbers were limited. He was 14 at the time, he went to his grandads when he was 10. He only has two older cousins on that side who are adults but but between husband and his brother it was decided there would be no children. Fair enough in the current situation but his brother has small grandchildren so that was up to them. Our son however was a teenager and had every right to be at his grans funeral. I was so annoyed with husband that he went and decided this without mentioning it to me. Anyway he went and he wanted to go. I asked how he would feel about helping out at the funeral, he wasn’t sure at first but I said it’s completely up to him. He decided he would like to help carry his gran in along with his cousin and uncles. I couldn’t have been prouder, he handled it all like a wonderful young man. In his case we adopted him and our parents are the only grandparents he’s she’s known, he visited every week suddenly didn’t. It was so important to have him feel included. It’s not for everyone but we all die in the end and we all attend funerals. I don’t think we can protect them from it but explain it to them and they’ll get it x

It wouldn't even occur to me that they would be too young at those ages, being Irish I'd been too umpteen funerals by then. Yes, it will be upsetting but it's supposed to be sad to lose a loved one.

My dad died recently and I didn't bring my two year old as she wouldn't have understood the open coffin etc, but I think once they're big enough to understand it's better to be involved than kept away.