Mental health 14 year old

[K1r5t]

Hi all, I’m really new here so please forgive me if I don’t quite get the hang of things!! The reason I came to mumsnet is because of my daughter.
She’s 14 and is suffering with a lot of anxiety.
I’m so worried and find myself just crying a lot of the time, not knowing what to do.
It all started a year ago, and yes I think lockdown has a lot to do with it.
Prior to lockdown she was okay.
She had a small group of friends in school and even had a boyfriend.
A few months into the first lockdown she lost contact with the group and her boyfriend broke up with her because she wasn’t putting in any effort with texting him back etc.
She’s always been up and down with friends. Since she started secondary school it’s been a bit of a rollercoaster ride. And, right now, she doesn’t talk to anyone from school.
I guess I didn’t really notice anything was wrong until the approach of going back to school the first time after lockdown1.
She was so hesitant and even spoke a lot about moving schools.
I thought there must be more to it like she was being bullied but she wasn’t.
It was when I took her to the hairdressers I knew there was something more serious wrong than just a teenager not wanting to go to school.
She sat in the salon chair shaking, not talking and breathing really heavily. It was heartbreaking.
I know now that she was having a panic attack.
It was following this that I called our GP.
I spoke to the doctor and explained all of this to him. I was sent some links to some mental health websites.
I searched for ages trying to find a way of getting her to see someone or some sort of help.
All I could find was a sort of message/email service where she could talk to someone. Well, there’s no way she was ever going to do this.
I found myself using the service and followed their advice which was to be there for her and ask her if there was anything I could do.
There was nothing though, of course.
Anyway, she did go back to school and things did seem to get a little better but nothing like how it was before. And, now we’re back in lockdown and she’s not in school and I just know it’s going the same way again.
She wouldn’t even walk to the shop with me today. She doesn’t want to leave the house at all. She literally just goes to her Dads at the weekend but that’s just getting in a car and going to another house.
She enjoys playing Minecraft on her phone and laptop and loves watching some YouTubers that play the game. But, recently she’s spoke a lot about how she has no actual friends to play with. She said one of her friends keeps texting her but she doesn’t reply because she doesn’t want to.
I know it’s her that’s pushing them away. I just don’t know why when she’s so desperate to actually have friends.
I find myself just sitting with her in her bedroom while she plays her games just so I know that she’s okay.
I’m absolutely heartbroken and don’t know what to do!
Any advice is genuinely greatly appreciated.

Thank you all!

I can relate to this with DD2 who is in year 11.

No sign at all of MH problems prior to March 2020. We have been fortunate enough to access a child psychologist every 2 weeks. One thing we tackled was her sleep routine as this had gone altogether. She now has a structured day which helps a little.

DD also doesn't like going out for walks anymore, so we do a "mystery tour" in the car on the way to the supermarket, via the seafront, she basically tells me to turn left and right!

Mine craft here too, I can now also navigate animal crossing, and mario carts...

Homeschooling is difficult, she's gone from A+ to not wanting to bother at all, the school are involved and being so helpful.

All I want to say is, do whatever feels safe for her, and doable for you, but God, this is THE hardest thing we've ever done.

take whichever you need.

I don't have any experience but I think I would possibly call the GP again and ask for more help.

How do you think she'd be with things like CBT? Do you think she's motivated to get herself feeling good again?

Thank you. To be honest, I’m really not sure.
In my head I think she needs to express herself to someone who isn’t me and definitely someone who can help her more than me. I just seem to try and give my advice but I’m no professional.
The last time I spoke to the doctor he advised we used these mental health websites because otherwise she’d be put “on the system”
I think I just want her to see someone though.
Today’s been a better day. She’s been playing her games online (as usual) but talking to some other people playing the same game on the chat board.
I know I shouldn’t encourage her to talk to strangers but she laughed so much and I stood outside her bedroom door with a massive smile on my face.
But, this won’t last. And that’s the problem I’m facing. There are good days but there are many bad days where she’s just so down and hard on herself.

Glad that she's been laughing some today.

Has she told you why she won't reply to her friend's messages? Have you had a chat about how her friend might be concerned about her and obviously likes your DD enough to make the effort?

Do you think she'd be willing to do some CBT? If you aren't keen on going back to the GP, there are some free CBT courses aimed at teens on google.

This workbook should help her too.

How about you too? If you are crying a lot, do you have sone friends to talk to?

Had the same with my 13 yo. This lockdown ive been trying to take some time out of work to spend time with her. So, we're doing crafts, a walk and hot chocolate at the weekend, watch a film. We've also got more of a routine, so at 9am she comes into my office to do her school work so she has company. She seems alot better this time round

Thank you. After another bad day yesterday, I called our GP this morning and we have an appointment for tomorrow with a view of having her referred. I can’t help but feel like I’ve let her down. I’m just so devastated that we’re in this situation. I think I’ve made a step in the right direction. I just hope it helps.

You have done nothing wrong. In fact, you are doing everything right. Being there for her and getting help for her.

I am having similar with dd13 in yr8. Is dreading going back to school because of lack of friends. It breaks your heart when your dc are unhappy doesn't it . Mine has also been having some intrusive thoughts and is now worrying about her weight. I am sure if they were in the routine of the school day they wouldn't have the time to worry so much about stuff.

Let us know how it goes with the referral etc

Thank you for your support! It means so much. It really feels like we’re all in the same boat here sometimes and in a way it’s so reassuring that we’re not alone.
I took her phone and laptop away from her last night because she’s been staying up literally all night on them playing games and watching videos.
I know how much a lack of sleep has towards a negative mental health so I tried to explain that limiting her time on them will be better in the long run.
She was so annoyed at me but it will went ahead as planned. Only, this afternoon she realised that it wasn’t going to be a one off and now I’m a “stupid person” again.
I just want her to be happy so much and now it feels like I’m taking her only happiness away.
I hope after tomorrow things start looking up 🤞🏼

Hi
This sounds really similar to my DD, 14 next month. It’s a bit complex how it all ended up here but she has few friends and does the same as your DD in terms of not replying to them on texts and rebuffing a lot of normal social advances. Basically she meets friends (she has 3) when I arrange for them to go on walks etc either with their mums or actually directly with them. it’s really difficult to understand - she’s always happy to meet up and go for walks but doesn’t make first move to arrange things. I think she has really low self esteem - she’s been bullied in the past and I think shut herself down.
Lockdown in some ways was a blessing as she was getting to crisis stage last March so it gave respite but really unless I instigate it she would have no contact with anyone outside the family. She considers her relationships with us to be not great and everything is negative.
School can refer your dd for mental health support separate from CAMHs - DD just been referred for some talking type therapy. This was after an attempted suicide 3 weeks ago - which is horrific but at least it’s triggered some help after going to GP and being told to take her for walks or being fobbed off with websites and going to school and being told she’s insisting everything is fine (so they did nothing despite me giving them enough information to know she wasn’t ‘fine’).
I’d say your dd needs help - so try your GP again and insist on CAMhs referral and also ask for help at school and don’t take no for an answer.

Thank you!
Sounds like you’ve been having a hard time yourself! How are you?
We went for an appointment with the GP yesterday.
I was terrified. She was fine.
I went into the room with her and left them alone after a few minutes.
When they came out, the doctor said she wasn’t concerned about self harm but they have referred her so just waiting on a date for that now.
I didn’t ask her anything that was said, I just left it. We then went to the shop together and it just felt so lovely. We ended up buying her a hair dye box kit and are going to be doing that later today.
I’m feeling better and am glad we’re taking the right steps now.

Hi all, I had a telephone call with CAMHs yesterday. They asked so many questions regarding my daughters mental health and I finished the call feeling like I hadn’t done enough. Like, regarding all my answers, she was “fine”.
They told me they would access my answers and decide whether she gets seen or if they give me other advice. I wasn’t expecting this. I assumed by being referred by a GP she would just get seen automatically.
Yesterday and today I’ve asked her if she’d like to come out with me. Yesterday she said no so I left it. Today, I said about going shopping and she was actually fine about it. Even said about buying something when we were there. I said we’d go in about half an hour. When I went to get ready and told her we’d go, she shut down. Had tears in her eyes and didn’t want to go.
I told her it was fine and we didn’t need to. I just got so upset about it all again. It’s such a rollercoaster ride because the last few days she’s been a lot happier - even singing and dancing. It’s been great. I just worry they won’t see her because it’s not that bad. But I don’t want it to get worse. :(