Support to limit screens parents during lockdown

[stilllovingmysleep]

Does anyone want to join me? I have been reading through many posts here on MN about life for our tweens and teens during lockdown.

In fact I came back to MN which I used to frequent in the past regularly to find ideas for these issues.

I am looking for other parents to offer and receive support so that we can take small steps together, with a lightness of touch ideally and maintaining our humour, to start putting some limits on those screens during lockdown and help our children. I despair with how pale and unmotivated my DS (12.5) is these days -and I can't blame it all on the lockdown. It's the combination of lockdown and screens.

I wrote my thoughts on this in another thread and I will quote so as not to rewrite. Anyway open for discussion / sharing of ideas?

@RedskyBynight that's an interesting viewpoint. I certainly am not one to demonise screens. I mostly agree with everything you said. We as adults have our own complicated relationship with screens god knows

However as you said it's the way screens are used that is clearly a problem for many DC. Plus the lockdown

So what I mean by this is- if I leave my DS to his own devices he'd watch YouTube videos all day and game. Literally with no limit. His drive and ambition and sheer energy are very clearly to me going down in direct correlation to all this screentime. And his moodiness too

The question is whether we think there is a problem with a specific use of screens (endless scrolling / gaming) and if so how best to tackle it without micromanaging them

I am watching with interest. The power of the screen quite terrifies me.

@MarshaBradyo

I suppose that is a limit. But I guess I’m aware that telling them get off needs to be somewhat enticing with an alternative thing to do

It is hard though. Socialising, learning and education all screen based. Can’t wait for it to pass.

I very much agree with @MarshaBradyo

Often increasing other things can help and of course them going to school used to be a huge "other thing"

My problem though is that the other things don't increase unless I put strict limits to screens. With the way DS's relationship with screens is now; he's not motivated to do these other things

Three days into this new lockdown DS really wasn’t getting off his screen at all, so we decided something had to change and picked 4-6pm as a screen free period, straight after his school finishes.

DS was a bit resistant but he did concede he gets lots of other screen time. Also he’s just so unfit now after last year plus 2 x 14 days of self isolation and he does care at least a bit about that. Last week when we were “running” (I’m also embarrassingly unfit) I said it had become the highlight of my day and DS said it was for him too.

I work part time so I can fit the 4pm run in or I block the half hour out in my work diary.

Getting him off the screen at 9pm on school nights has been much more contentious, his friends are allowed later, but we’ve compromised by allowing 10pm on Thursdays and no real limit on Friday/Saturday nights so it seems to be holding together so far.

Op I think it can get too overwhelming, you might need to do the cold turkey thing for a few hours a day.

It’ll be hard but interest in other stuff hopefully should re emerge.

@MarshaBradyo I decided to start by introducing and demanding some small things which to be fair DH and I have been neglecting and not insisting on recently due to our own feelings of being overwhelmed

One to insist once again on daily walks
And two to work with DS on 5 min evening tidy up of room which at the moment is hugely messy

I'll report back! I have bigger plans / hopes but have to start somewhere small

Small is good. This pandemic is a rotter for screen time. Hell I’ve leaned on it a bit too.

Me too @MarshaBradyo ! The hours I spend on Twitter...

I think this lockdown is very different to the first one.
In the first lockdown I think a lot of people were pretty positive and were happy to embrace new/different things.
This lockdown it feels more like a case of gritting our teeth and getting through it - and if using more screens than we would like for ,what is hopefully a fairly short period in the scheme of things, is the way to cope, then, perhaps we just have to accept it.

16 year old DS has just gone out for a (rare)walk, unasked. 15 year old DD took up creating her own animation this week. I suspect screen boredom might be setting in (though the animation is on screen, but at least something different and a new skill!) and I guess that learning for themselves that they need a break and deciding what to do with their time, rather than parents enforcing it, is, in itself, a valuable skill.

@RedskyBynight absolutely. In the first lockdown we all had some energy, ideas etc. It was also spring. By now we are exhausted

Hence my thought was not to panic and micromanage kids and try to "change it all" at a time that is bound to be abnormal

But to make some small changes bit by bit as for many DC (mine included) this constant screentime inertia is detrimental

It's interesting that your solution to a problem (your son having too much screen time) is to come onto an online forum. At the same time, you are demonising him solving his problem (being stuck in lockdown) by going online.

Are you modelling the behaviour that you want to see? Do you make sure that you get some fresh air and exercise during the day? Do you do something productive during the evening or sit and watch tv or mumsnet on your phone? If you aren't, that may be a useful start.

I don't think it's a good idea to start limiting screen time during lockdown. I always used parental control apps to limit my DDs screens so they are used to that and it's not a problem now.
So, during lockdown I would just make the opposite, duplicating the screen time since there are less possibilities for healthier activities and yes, big social distance. Just for not school related or educational stuff a screen limit of 4 or 3 hours could be enough, and it seems to me still really a lot ot time.
Anyway, the block of screens one hour before bedtime is still in place during lockdown, just to keep a good sleep routine, as well as the monitoring and the restrictions for inappropriate things.

@user1495884673

It's interesting that your solution to a problem (your son having too much screen time) is to come onto an online forum. At the same time, you are demonising him solving his problem (being stuck in lockdown) by going online.

Are you modelling the behaviour that you want to see? Do you make sure that you get some fresh air and exercise during the day? Do you do something productive during the evening or sit and watch tv or mumsnet on your phone? If you aren't, that may be a useful start.

Yes @user1495884673 you're right. I've been feeling down with the lockdown as I guess many of us do and sometimes all I can manage is scrolling twitter. I take your points!

Quick update : to offer something different from boys gaming and parents scrolling we all watched The Social Dilemma together this evening. Had a very spirited debate. Personally, it really honed my view of the kinds of screen time that seem OK and those that are not. Really fascinating and terrifying in equal measure.

Totally agree
That programme gave me the shivers.

We had to withdraw my niece from school because they insisted on full screen time 9 till 3.30 and were implementing absences as if she was actually in school so they sent a fine and then threatened more issues so we deregistered her as it was the only option to avoid further action from them.
She’s far happier now and with the limit of screen time I’ve run with her always the migraines are stopped before they start

@joan12

Quick update : to offer something different from boys gaming and parents scrolling we all watched The Social Dilemma together this evening. Had a very spirited debate. Personally, it really honed my view of the kinds of screen time that seem OK and those that are not. Really fascinating and terrifying in equal measure.

@joan12 I really want to watch this. Do you think it would be appropriate for a 12.5 year old?

@SavannahMiasMum glad to hear she's happier

Long hours of online school plus hours of gaming / phone after has been an issue for so many. My DS has also had migraines occasionally after too many hours of screentime.

Will your niece go back to school in the future? Is she registered as home schooled now? Interestingly, I was told by someone working in our local authority in home schooling that they've had a big increase this year in deregistrations.

@stilllovingmysleep

We watched it with my 14 and 11 year olds. The only bit which might be a question is that for about 5-7 minutes they show some statistics about how self harm and suicides have risen in preteens and teens and they show how this increase happens at the same time as social media became widely used among these age groups. There are no upsetting images, just a graph. So it might depend a bit on your child and how likely they are to be upset about that? Mine seemed to take it in the context of the rest of the programme which is very powerful indeed and a useful basis for discussion.

Thanks @joan12. I want my DS to understand / start considering the way social media work, what they're aiming towards and how they affect focus and concentration

I need to understand that myself . I often turn to twitter for mindless scrolling at night when I'm tired- this has been a recent experience because of pandemic anxiety. I never used to go on twitter. I've noticed it's affected how many books I read

My DD (12) is definitely overusing screentime atm but what can we do. She uses it all day for her classes and then uses it for Roblox or among us or speaking to friends. It's her only interaction with peers. We try and break it down by reading, occasional walk, cooking and watching tv together but it's so hard. If anything it's been a life saver for her these lockdowns because she's kept social

I've even got into playing Roblox and Among Us with her lol

@worried3012 absolutely they need it for connection with friends

And also to zone out and forget about the drudgery of everyday life. We all seem to agree that screens can't be limited too much at the moment

The point of the original ideas discussed here is how to get ideas to break it up a bit... you seem to be doing ok with those other activities. How do you motivate your DC to actually do them?

Small update from me was that we started this nightly 5 min tidy up routine with DS and he accepted it as it was brief and I followed a carrot and stick way to frame it ie we will have to do this together and I'll help you so that your room can be redecorated eventually to be more teenagerey

So far so good. For me it's a step as I've been neglecting simple little things like that (reminding him to tidy) due to my own difficulties with lockdown and overwork

We are also trying to be more clear that phone stays out of living room when he's on online school though DS is a grand negotiator and wants it in kitchen so that it's nearby

@stilllovingmysleep that sounds like a great step. I'd highly recommend the Social Dilemma. It is full of the very people who created these platforms and algorithms saying that they found themselves addicted despite knowing this is exactly what they are designed to do, and how.

I don't think anyone thinks we can completely get rid of screens, especially at the moment. But finding to break it up, knowing what our boundaries as a family - probably different for everyone - is really helpful.