how can we help their mental health?

[sticksandbones]

My DC were finding it OK during the first lockdown but this time they are finding it really hard.

I think it's a mixture of winter, of the pressures of school (they are in years 13 and 11) and not being able to socialise much.

How are you helping your DC with this lockdown and what little things seem to help their mental health?

It's just me and my daughter at home. I try to do things together like watch Netflix series with tea and treats (we keep running out of series to watch!).

Also, I allowed her to completely redecorate her room and get what she wants off amazon for the room (within reason) and I helped her clear it out and make it look nice. It now looks really lovely with lots of fairy lights, fluffy rug, vines etc . I think it helps with mental health to at least have a nice-looking bedroom.

The more unusual (and expensive!) thing I have done was to rent a horse at our nearby stable (livery loan) that she now has to take care of 6 days per week after school and on weekends (feed/water/groom/muck out/ride). At lessons this is giving us a reason to leave the house and spend some time in the fresh air for 2 hours a day. But my daughter used to ride before lockdown, so this wasn't completely random.

At least* (not at lessons)

My 14yo son has been struggling and has reached out for some help, telling me (only once) how low he feels and then talking to school counsellor- who reported back that he's very down, no details given due to confidentiality, just that he's close to rock bottom and we need to carefully look after him.

I've been advised to back off in many areas. Reduce school pressure, reduce all pressure, later bedtime as this is the time he chats to friends which he finds helpful, pick battles etc etc..

I'm trying to find any chinks of light in things he enjoys doing, and allow and encourage these. So this does include gaming, and I've sat for several hours watching key games and he's teaching me to play some of them.

I'm finding it very hard as it's a new approach to me- but teachers and mental health experts have been clear and I'm trying to understand and respect this approach.

It's hard to read posts from people who insist we need to be strict with our teens, but maybe for some that's not the right approach.

Maybe for some this pandemic means life is so hard and topsy turvey that it's ok to take a very different approach.

Please be kind in your responses to this post- all of this has been terrifying to me, I'm doing my very best and people telling me it's my fault and I'm too lenient is incredibly hard atm.

Good luck OP 😊

I really do think it's OK to take a different approach.

I was lucky enough to speak to a psychologist last lockdown wo told me to take off all pressure, and to stop making things goal oriented for DD. That's really hard with a child in Y11 and a DH whose whole life is goal orientated, and that's how he tries to motivate the DC (it works well on our Y13)

DD was gaming in line for the first time yesterday. It's the first time she's properly communicated with friends in 7 weeks. She said something a bit dumb and her friends ribbed her for it, but it was the kind of normal interaction a 15yo needs. It was lovely to see her laugh. So I can really see the plus side of online gaming atm.

On some of the days I'm not working we go and buy chips from the chop shop to eat with lunch- it means DD gets out of the house and ultimately it's just something different that I hope she'll look back on as a happy time one day.

I work in CAMHS (with teenagers). I also have a 12.5 year old son who is struggling.

I would say it's indeed a very hard time and this needs to be first of all acknowledged to teenagers and to each other. For us adults too.

Second, I think there's no absolute right or wrong: it's always a balance with teenagers and different families have different styles. Beware of mental health "experts" who tell you this is the right way. There is no right way. It's a "dance" with teenagers a healthy routine boundaries and expectations (which they need), versus flexibility, backing off and keeping lines of communication open. In that dance we as parents sometimes take a step forward, sometimes back. But we never get it fully right and in the lockdown it's even harder

Lots of humour and a lightness of touch help!

I have given my DD (16) some extra responsibility. Like cooking 1-2x week, ... Taking care of one of our Dogs (we have 3).
Plus the usual of film nights, ... we also have reading hour - we read Sophies World and often have a chat about it.

She is under CAMHS, they suggested running and other exercises but she is not too keen on that but likes yoga.

I also have re arranged the rooms usage in our home a bit so one is for school work (conservatory) , one for exercise (front room with TV) so her bedroom is for sleeping and relaxing. (It's working because we are out during the day, not an option for everyone.)

Only time will tell if it helps.

I think it’s very hard. I have a year 12 DD and am also trying to support my year 9 nephew whose mother is a teacher and my ex sister in law. He is on his own all day and trying to school himself. He is very down and I call him over lunch every day.
I think we need to be present in their lives more than before to help. Playing games, watching the same movies that they choose and show an interest, share same experiences, games, cooking, physical activities together. To do this I do think you have to let things go and be more casual. Otherwise it’s like we are bossing them. At the same time some structure, plan for the day is also important. It certainly is a dance and light touch and knowing when to push or stand back. I’m a little scared for my nephew as I can only message or FT him - but my own DD can also be really up and down.

It's so hard isn't it! I've let my teens set up the Xbox in one of their bedrooms so they can socialise with their mates without me in the room, that's always been a big no in our house until now. I insist in shared meals downstairs and we do some silly stuff together, an impromptu pillow fight the other day i do worry about them with them both being in exam years.