Really worried about my teens

[yellowbeaker]

They are totally bored and miserable. They are stuck in their rooms all day staring at their screens but not really engaging in their lessons. I walked in to find DS taking a nap in the middle of Geography earlier. They barely leave the house. When they finish school for the day all they want to do is play fortnite. They don't talk to their friends.
We have tried to engage them in things like walks, cooking, decorating. They aren't interested.
The can't sleep until stupid o clock. Then then struggle to wake. We are limiting their screen time but other than that I don't know what to do.
I am trying to work from home so juggling keeping tabs on them to make sure they are working and helping them when they get stuck plus managing my own workload has been full on.
I don't know how to help them and make them happy again.

How old are they?
I'm in Italy so mine has been online since last March apart from ten whole days in September.
We are kind of now in distance learning fatigue mode.
If it helps, last Spring, the worst few weeks were the first, then they kind of adapted. I'm also a teacher and we've all had enough now tbh.
My school is reopening next week, and hopefully in the UK things won't be too long.

@yellowbeaker I feel your pain and don't have answers. Mine are 15 and 13 and it's a similar situation here. Just know that this will come to an end, but it's such a shame that when they should be having the time of their lives (esp my 15yr old) they are stuck indoors.

However I comfort myself that at least they are healthy, eating well and although they don't want to do stuff with us, we are all getting on pretty well apart from the usual blips involving conversations about screen time 😫

they're 13.

They are just so bored and that has morphed into not wanting to do anything.

I feel for you, my DDus the same age and is very similar. It's a real struggle to get her to do anything.

My DD is 14 and an only child , she works all day as whether or not she’s engaging I really don’t know . Tbh she doesn’t complain about being at home at the moment , it was different during the first lock down the Summer was the worst a lot of her friends were allowed out meeting at parks going on trains etc , I didn’t allow her to do so as we were following the rules
I do feel sorry for older kids it’s hard on them but the school is trying their best encouraging the kids to get out for a local walk . On the days she finishes early we walk around our residential streets , as far as cooking is concerned she’s not interested but we don’t allow devices in bedrooms and that applies to all of us we leave phones downstairs at night , she puts her phone on charge at 8pm on a school night

I could have written that about my 13 year old daughter. Even down to her falling asleep in a lesson.

I'm trying to just let it go at the moment, at least on Fortnite she's interacting with her friends and staying up until all hours on FaceTime means she's actually doing some socialisation.

Her mental health seems to be quite robust thankfully and she's still getting the work done albeit with me nagging.

I think this is the very real reality of lots of parents at the moment and I'm keeping my fingers crossed they go back on the 8th Education is just not effective enough online.

@yellowbeaker I am you.
It breaks my heart. They wake up at the last safe moment (or after), are often caught on you tube etc during lessons, then move to fortnite the second school finishes. They are not tired, don't sleep until late and so it goes on.
I drag them outside every day, but it takes all my energy - energy that should be going into keeping my job.
They have turned into shells of themselves, they have no interest in anything except their Xbox and phones.
I am at my wits end
I feel that I am failing my kids but not being able to inspire them, but I too am knackered and understand why they feel the way they do.
The whole situation is awful, but at least I know I am not alone.
I came to this forum to see what others are experiencing, despite my deep sadness that our children are suffering in this way, I am relieved that mine are not the only ones with this fatigue.

Pretty much the same here. I’m reassured by the fact they were like this in lockdown last year and sprung back to their normal selves once they got back to school. I’m feeling much the same tbh, wee naps nearly every day for example.

As @SnoopyMcLoopy says, they are healthy, eating well, are safe and will come and do stuff with us if we ask them to (with fantastically teenaged eye-rolls before agreeing🤣). That’ll do for now.

My 12yo is similar so we are doing weekly walks with her best mate and her mum.

DC1 has started to make a list of the things he wants to do when lockdown is over, some bigger stuff but lots of simple things like watching a film with his mates.

Can't get DC2 to even entertain the idea of making a list, but then a year in lockdown doesn't seem the end of the world to me, I have to keep reminding myself that it's a 13th of her entire life.

This is exactly the situation I'm in with my 16yo, it's heart breaking and I have no answers.

Yes my DS 13 is much the same. Missing his friends terribly and his sports training too.
As already said he wants to be on his phone all the time but we have continued to take it away at night on school days. Otherwise he has absolutely no motivation to do his online lessons.
Good idea about making a list of things to do, this should at least give him something to look forward too.

Mine are 14 and 12
We've put a time limit of screens.
We had a long chat with them about how it wasn't a punishment but rather that spending 12hrs a day every day looking at a screen just wasn't good for their mental and physical health.
If they were going to school they would be moving around, doing PE and then coming home doing homework so would only get a couple of hours on screens a day.

They seem quite happy with that and actually come down from their rooms and engage - we've been for evening walks and played board games.

Same here with my youngest (16), including falling asleep in an A level class, having failed to sleep all night.

It is hideous for them. I sympathise. I loathe lockdown and think it's a disaster, though try to encourage her to look forward. She's staring into a black hole, though.

Yes another one here - I’ve been really worried about my 14yo dd who spends most of every day in bed saying getting up is pointless because there’s nowhere to go and nothing to do... but had a virtual parents evening this week and all her teachers are happy and say she’s doing what’s necessary so I’ll try and stay off her back. Did actually get her to come for a short walk tonight but that’s the first time she’s left the house in about a month I think.

I also just keep telling myself and her that it’s not forever..,

I worked out last night that one year in lockdown in DD's life would be equivalent to me being in lockdown for over 6 years.

It's no small wonder that it's affecting her.

DS (16) was doing well until his MH crashed a couple of weeks ago. He needs to be in school w his friends and expending energy. He’s walking once a day, but compared to what he normally would do, it’s nothing.
I really hope he can go back on 8 March.

Similar here. Home school to fortnite or roblox. DS does leave the house to go for run a few times a week, but he's not watching much tv or interacting. DD is worse, she tends to have violent meltdowns at the best of times so I have no way of getting her dressed and out the house. She's been in her room the last 2 days I've been working.
Not a snowball's chance in hell of a family movie or cooking together. I just work, exercise, clean and bumble around
making food.

I have two teens and I feel so bad for them. Spending all day staring at screens, sitting quietly in their rooms. They hardly speak for the whole school day.
They are not allowed to participate verbally in lessons, just by messaging.
I try to get them to get out most days. I just tell them they have to for their well-being. I really think it makes a difference. They know it does too so often drag themselves out even though they don’t want to.
We always have dinner together.
I entice them out of their rooms for movie nights, making pancakes or ice cream sundaes.
I limit their gaming time too, like a pp does. I also say the same thing - it’s not a punishment, it’s the opposite. It’s for their wellbeing.

Similar times here. Some days are better than others but everyone is a bit exhausted, but too tired to do anything about it...

I am trying to model good exercise habits, make sure they have plenty of nutritious food available, remind them to come off screens and generally telling them they are marvellous. Not sure how effective this is but it feels like something I can do. Also we have a very loving dog who gets a lot of snuggles from them and I think that helps the brain and emotions a lot.

It's really hard. Mine are 12 and 14 - the younger ones don't really have properly established friendship groups yet (Y7), so it's possibly even more isolating for them. They are coping, but that's it, and I feel sad because they shouldn't have to be coping.
They're spending far too much time on screens or alone in their rooms. Everyone is leaving the house at least 3 times a week (I'd like it to be more, but one particularly has to be dragged out, though enjoys it once she's there). I'm trying to get each of them out without the others there once a week so they have a bit of space to vent/chat about their own stuff without competing for airspace.
We're having a family meal together and often watch TV in the evening. I'm getting everyone to exercise a few times a week - again they really should be doing more, especially DS who is a bundle of energy and plays a lot of sport in normal times. It's hard to strike a balance between what I think would be best for their mental (and physical) health, and cutting them some slack to do what they want to do, given that they have so little autonomy at the moment.
Solidarity with everyone else who's struggling.

I read this thread carefully and two things occurred to me.

It is of course a horrid situation at the moment. God knows I've been struggling too; in all the ways you deceive, as has DS 12.5 who can't be dragged off his phone and computer and looks pale and unmotivated.

But I thought reading this that we have as parents 2 separate problems.

The first is the pandemic. It's tragic and horrendous. However it's not the first pandemic in history and I wonder if we and our children keep that in mind enough? Remember polio (iron lungs), tuberculosis and of course Spanish flu with strict quarantines. I think some perspective and resilience are important and these conversations need to be happening. All this situation is not just random to "fail" children. It's because of the pandemic. (Though don't get me started on the government's failures on schools)...

But the second issue we seem to be having as parents (me one or them!) Is ultimately being able to limit our children's screen use. What are we scared of? I ask myself and I ask you. Children are not meant to be talking to friends on their phone at night. They are meant to be sleeping and learning to live with their boredom and bad feelings.

We know these devices are addictive, we also know and can see at the moment the effect they are having on our children. They are all pale, unmotivated and hardly go out. And can't deal with boredom. I wonder if part of it is of course the pandemic itself but part of it that we as parents are at a loss for what to do?

I say this both as a parents and a CAMHS clinician working day in day out with teenagers. I spend my life helping them learn to know their feelings and tolerate them. And be more resilient. I don't spend my working life thinking "how do I take all pressure off them? Poor them?" That wouldn't help them.

Yet with my own DS, due to my own exhaustion and low mood with the pandemic, I'm allowing a routine that is clearly not good for him.

I wonder if we could have a separate thread for parents of late tweens and teens trying to take some small steps together, as parents, to limit screens? Not massive bossy changes but step by step implementation and learn from each other?

Are there threads like this?

Surely our current situation shows us what is going on is not healthy for our kids in any way. Not because of the lockdown itself- tragic as it is. But because given their addiction to screens, they are not learning the valuable lesson the lockdown inevitably offers- how to deal with difficult situations and manage.

it's very very hard isn't it! I have DS age 13. I have started a 'screen free Monday' - of course he is online for school but after that he can't be on a screen except to check his phone at appointed times (because I want him to still communicate with his friends). His two best friend's mums have done the same thing, so often two of them meet for a long walk or cycle on a Monday. Otherwise he reads or bakes or plays with the cats. On other days, after online school he isn't allowed onto the PS4 for an hour, during which time I insist that he gets some exercise, preferably outside. Then no screens from 8.30pm too. He doesn't make quite the fuss I thought he would about screen free time, possibly because he has been struggling with red sore eyes.