Building confidence in my teenage daughter

[flibbertygibb]

This is long sorry!

Our eldest DD, 15, was moaning yesterday that she'd had no feedback from at all since lockdown 3 began. I said I'd speak to her head of year.I checked with her again this morning. Yes definitely no feedback. I emailed her year head. It turns out she has not done any work for two weeks. She has missed live lessons and all deadlines.

This is so totally out of character. Her teacher was as shocked as I was. She's never been in trouble for anything. She's bright, polite, mature for her age and usually self motivated. She is, however, very quiet and doesn't like putting herself forward.

DH and I have had a long chat with her. There have been lots of tears, and cuddles. She feels completely overwhelmed and worried about everything. In her words she's worried about 'friendships, exams, going to college, relationships! There's so
much I don't know'.

She has said there are no other issues. She has never had a relationship as far as we know. She has two close friends and they are pretty tight. She would love to expand her friendship group but really struggles to chat with people.

She's struggling with the work but doesn't have the confidence to email the teachers to ask for help. So just switched off and then didn't know how to get out of it.

We have been through the work she missed and made a list. She is going to do two extra pieces a day until shes caught up. (Her idea not mine) Then email them in with an apology to the teacher. I have a catch up with the head of year tomorrow. So practically she can catch up and I know she'll be fine.
She's much happier now and seems brighter, she feels like she is more in control.

Sorry I'm waffling! The bit I really need help with is how to increase her confidence as this seems to be the main problem. I'm naturally confident and outgoing. I find it really difficult to know how to help her. I've talked to her about 'faking ' it, we've chatted about chatting! But what can we do practically to increase her confidence?

I look at her and see how amazing she is. How do I get her to see that for herself?

She was doing drama classes before lockdown and these were really helping. She was also supposed to start rangers and do her DOfE. Both of which would have been fab. But what can we go through yet another lockdown?

DH and I have discussed her going to a counsellor. Would this help? I have no experience in this area.

Sorry I know I'm going on but I feel like I've really let her down and I don't know how to help x

I’m sorry I’m not going to be much help, just want to say that tbh I’m not sure you can do much more than you’re doing at the moment, and to give yourself a break.

If you Re-read your post you have a great relationship with a lovely, sensitive and sensible young lady who, like a very large percentage of girls her age (and many many others tbh) is struggling at the moment, but who discussed it with you and is sorting it out.

This is exactly how she will build resilience and then confidence, and you can point this out to her as she works her own way through this and other problems life throws at her.

If she is intending to do DofE and rangers etc she has enough self confidence for when life returns to a new normal.
Teens have confidence issues - it’s part of the job description - show her you have confidence in her by not worrying too much, if she sees you relaxed about her abilities and her future she will relax more too.

So sorry you're going through this OP.If it's any consolation we had a very similar episode with our DD last academic year and the first we knew was when we getting numerous calls from teachers saying that she had failed to hand in her homework again.

She's managed to turn it around and her recent parents evening, by telephone, was glowing.

If she enjoyed drama, are they doing anything online? If Rangers isn't running would she be interested in Explorers? It depends on the group by DS' is about 50/50 boys and girls and they're doing online at the moment.

If she is quiet, have either of you read Quiet? My DN sounds very similar to your DD and they found it helpful

Thanks so much for your messages. It's much appreciated. We've had a lovely chat this morning. She seems brighter and relieved that we know and she can work through it.
I panic that she misses out on so much because she won't put herself forward. But I think it's more my issue than hers!

I think the fake it til you make it advice is good. I used to say to my young patients to think of someone they know and admire who is confident ( whether it's a friend or celebrity) and to think, what would they do. The more you practice and model being confident the easier it gets and then the confidence actually comes.

That's a good idea, thank you

You sound like you’re doing a brilliant job and your daughter sounds lovely. It’s so good she talked to you and you all have a plan. I’m sure it will all work out and this will build resilience in her.
A couple of practical ideas that I’ve been told to help my daughter.
Is there an area where she can have responsibility in your home? Could be planning and cooking a meal once a week for the family. Or feeding animals. Or phoning an older relative to make sure they’re ok... just something that gives her responsibility within the family home so she feels like she’s contributing.
Second is how you praise. Rather than just saying well done/ that’s fantastic etc. Say, “I can see it’s hard for you to do the extra pieces of work today as you’re a bit tired, but you did it and am really impressed by the strength it took to do that” - that kind of thing! Specific praising.
Finally as some of the others suggested - remain calm and steady yourself. If you obviously worry about her she may pick up on it. Be calm and don’t constantly ask if she’s ok. If she seems a little low just say “you love her snd you’re there for her if she needs to chat” .. wishing you the very best x

What about a mindfullness diary?

Oh flibbertygibb.. ditto to everything you have written. My ds exact same age is going through exact same thing right now. He didn’t get good results in any of his prelims and I’m waiting on school support teacher calling me to figure out where we go from here. We got a letter this morning suggesting for one of his subjects he takes a lower grade to work through which they think might be better for him. No other one has given him this option though even though they were all low marks. His confidence is so low it breaks my heart but I was exactly the same when I was younger and couldn’t talk to people easily either. It SAAS only after I went to college I started to find my own voice. It turns out here too that all the work he’s been saying he’s been doing he hasn’t been able to submit as he didn’t know how to ... or so he says. I said how can I back him up with the school when I’m completely unaware of this and if he has nothing to show he actually has done she work? I asked has he written anything in jotters, types anything, ... nothing. No physical evidence anywhere. So what do I do? Also he has been attending the school counsellor lately which was advised by cahms. They said it’s his appointment therefore nothing to do with me. He has to go there and handle it himself. He suffers from anxiety and stress and I don’t know what he talks about. I’m at a loss to get him to do work. Open up, anything.