How do I get us out of this?

8 replies

Rae36 · 17/01/2021 17:16

Had a massive row with ds14 on Monday. I said some mean things and so did he, lots of shouting on both sides. I have since apologised. I apologised at the time then again the next day, said sorry for losing my temper and saying mean things that hurt his feelings and were not true. He didn't apologise but I let it go, I'm the adult and all that.

This morning I did something while he was in bed that I had supposedly said I would wait and do with him. I don't remember saying that but anyway, he lost his temper and called me a liar, said I was always lying couldn't be trusted to do anything right. Pretty mean stuff again. Dragging up the argument I had apologised for earlier in the week. So I told him to go to his room until he was ready to apologise to me for the way he had spoken to me today.

Here's the problem. He's stubborn as hell and bears a grudge like no-one I know. So he will go days now without apologising and will bring up Monday's argument over and over again.

I wish I had just said to take time out in his room and not demanded an apology. Because it won't come and we will be in a horrible deadlock for days. How do I backtrack?

I'm worried about him, he's sad in lockdown, he's quite stressed anyway. But that doesn't mean he can yell and shout at me and call me a liar. What a mess. I'm doing everything wrong right now.

OP posts:

notdaddycool · 17/01/2021 17:55

Gently apologise to him, say you know it’s a hard time but he really must not speak as he has. Give him a hug. Have closure. Can you repeat the activity with him? Or something similar? Set a time to do it.

Ifeelmuchlessfat · 17/01/2021 18:46

Talk to him. Tell him what you’ve said here...
“I'm worried about him, he's sad in lockdown, he's quite stressed anyway. But that doesn't mean he can yell and shout at me and call me a liar. “ and tell that above all you love him so sod it, on this occasion you’re moving on..
This is such a hard time for everyone, you’re right to stick to your principles but give yourself a break here too - sometimes you have to take the path of least resistance.

BlueThistles · 17/01/2021 21:01

He sounds very dominant OP.. is he the only male in the household ?

Original poster

Rae36 · 17/01/2021 21:53

No, I'm the only woman. He has his dad and 2 younger brothers at home too. He's the most aggressive though and takes great offence at being disciplined in any way. For example I regularly take his brother's tech away if he's been staying up too late, if I tried to take his away he would go nuts about me taking his stuff and hold it against me for days, refusing to do whatever I had asked him to do to get it back. Such different personalities

OP posts:

Original poster

Rae36 · 17/01/2021 21:54

He is dominant though, that's a good word. Usually he's totally fine but seriously over-reacts if he gets pulled up about his behaviour at all.

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OhioOhioOhio · 17/01/2021 22:05

I don't know but you are right, he should be respectful of you.

NRE20 · 17/01/2021 22:13

With my teenage SS I try to ask him questions and give him plenty of time to explain why he’s behaving the way he is. A lot of the time, he can’t justify his behaviour and stays quiet. If he does explain, I listen as openly as possible, but if he lies, or bends the truth to suit his own narrative, I remind him of the facts, so he knows he can’t create his own reality. I think it’s good to apologise, but I also think explaining your position is important. So is letting your DS know what you understand about them (that lockdown is hard, being shut away from their friends. That they want to know that they’re being listened to and understood. That you want to have a nice living environment for both you and him).

The other thing I/my DH and I do, is get our DS to agree to some actions or changes of behaviour, then WhatsApp them to us. It means that they’re going against their own word if they fail to follow through and in my experience, teenagers are very idealistic and don’t like being wrong, especially through their own actions. The key is to stay calm, especially if they’re shouting.

Randomrebel · 17/01/2021 22:20

Try not to beat yourself up OP.

I have a DD15 who is dreadful (very like your DS) and a DS17 who seems to have turned a corner.

Parenting is not easy and its even harder in lockdown. What is your DH like with him and what is he like with DH? If my two have been really bad its not easy I do take tech off them for short bursts it’s absolutely hellish but I think whilst they hate it they respect me for taking a stand. Whereas my DH tends to always take the line of least resistance.

Take care

Hopefully you can find a way through things with neither of you loosing face.

Flip