Can I talk to you about my teen.

[user345749867]

My daughter is 14.

I've been reading on some of the threads that it is common for teenagers to want to spend a lot of time in their rooms. My dd watches movies, does school work face times with friends etc. etc. I'm feeling more reassured about this aspect.

But it is dd's view of herself that if I am honest is getting me down. DD is bright, pretty and has a good social circle at school but she berates herself so much. The latest thing is that she has said she has a lopsided face and keeps taking picture of herself to examine it further! If it's not this it is something else and on and on it goes. "Do I actually look like this in real life she asks?" No amount of reassurance/compliments seem to help and I am left feeling helpless. I am heading toward my 50's and did when young, feel very judged but I'm now at that wonderful point where I mainly don't really care and realise that actually confidence does come from within. Is it the norm though to compare yourself and berate yourself as a teen? I try to coax her out for a walk in the daytime but I genuinely think she is worried about bumping into some children she used to go to primary school with who weren't that nice to her (she's at a different school now). But she really seems to care what people think (superficially). She was fine going to school before covid. It's all about self confidence etc. and being good at 'something' which she feels she's not. She has a hobby she could pursue at some point and she talks about getting a part-time job in a cafe later on (and doesn't seem to be worried about it) so there are signs that she is thinking about doing things.

I feel awful because I blame myself (I was a painfully shy child and suffered anxiety/depression). I did receive CBT in my 20's which helped a bit but I have tried talking over some of this with dd.

I've lost perspective of what's normal. I have a second dc who seems to have a totally different personality.

Anyone?

Yes, to a point it is normal for them to scrutinise their looks and pick out any perceived flaws and obsess over them - not just in teens either.

CBT may well be helpful if you think it's a type of body dysmorphia, which itself is like a type of OCD. But i think at this stage I'd watch and wait and see if she grows out of it, which she probably will do.

I would not get annoyed and dismissive when she brings it up, nor would I indulge reassurance seeking as it tends to feed the obsessiveness.

I might ask about what she values in others, and if looks are the best and most important and interesting thing about people is. And normalise that we all feel insecure about our looks sometimes and it just because we think/believe something it doesn't make it true (am a CBT therapist myself can you tell?)

I think there is going to be even more self conscious, socially anxious people after this pandemic!

It can be a thing yes. My 14 year old is a boy but he sometimes fixates on looks / weight - despite being tall, slim and lovely looking!

I can't do with giving it too much oxygen to be honest - although I appreciate you have a different child to the one I have. I've done all the listening and reassuring etc etc

So now I'm not flippant or particularly dismissive but I make light of it and give a mild reassurance and then the subject is changed. He probably responds best to this.

Thank you so much for your comments. I have never heard of body dysmorphia, so might google that. But you can end up creating problems if you're not careful. I'm waiting and watching, I'm hopeful she will grow out of it. It's so hard to watch. People used to say I was hard on myself and it never registered until a couple of years ago. Now, I can't believe how awful I've been to myself and intend to change it.

I remember having terrible social anxiety teens/early twenties. I felt everyone was judging me (for the worse). I feel guilty that my teen my have somehow inherited it and has not developed more inner confidence. My circumstances were different. I experienced emotional neglect and physical/emotional abuse and I have parented differently.
But my daughter still seems to be similarly afflicted.

I think that teens are under immense pressure as a result of social media and photo filters suggesting what is aspirational. It doesn't help that being at home means more time online and being fed crap like this.

I don’t think you should blame yourself. DD and friends are quite similar. DD is stunning but thinks she has an ugly face, never posts anything in social media... She has amazing pictures but will zoom in on her face, grunt, move to another and repeat until she gives up. I’m glad she is not posting but obviously concerned it’s not for the right reasons. And she’s not shallow. Bright, kind, good friends. I’m quite confident, not focus at all on looks (grey hair, a bit overweight), but we are not their only source of confidence or lack of it. I agree with @lucylime. From what you described, it doesn’t seem like anything uncommon unfortunately. But I hope they all grow out of it soon. Good luck!

marshmallow...yes, I think you're right about social media being at play, definitely a factor.

Thank you everyone. I don't have many people in real life to talk to about all of this, so it is really helpful to hear your comments.

It’s already normal for teenagers to obsess about their looks. But now that are spending most of the day on camera during lessons staring at their own faces, even I hate it and keep noticing my asymmetric eyes or double chin. It’s been a worry of mine recently how obsessed with their looks they are all going to become!