Worried about friends and teenage son

[lisabwriter]

Hi
I am brand new to mumsnet as a poster, usually I just read other chats, but I am hoping for some advice. I do have an anxiety disorder so I am hoping/? some of what I am experiencing is just me being mental, but I wondered if anyone else has had friendship issues with teenage boys? I naively assumed this kind of thing was more in the girl camp, but obviously that's me being really sexist.
Basically, my just turned 13 year old struggled to feel accepted. he is very witty and seems to have plenty of people to hang out with in school but over lockdown I have noticed his phone is quiet, some friends have met up in the park and he hasn't been invited (although he did go sledging with a couple of friends that he arranged ) but he doesn't seem to be part of an actual friendship group. He plays on the x box but with strangers (his age!) but doesn't seem to have any actual close friends to chat to or that invite him to knock a football about. He has tried to reach out at my encouragement but just either gets a , sorry mate can't play out, or they get ignored. It hurts him and he is often crestfallen and said he would rather not try and get in touch with people because he just gets upset when they don't respond. I am trying to back off but I'm getting really worried about him. is it normal? I had a rough time with friends in school so I imagine I am projecting my fears of isolation onto him, which I really don't want to do. he does drama and karate but obviously that's all off now because of Covid.
How can I help boost his self esteem and is anyone else going through this? Could it be normal?
xx

Is he unhappy? If he’s happy leave him be, if he’s unhappy you can’t make friends for him, but you can go for walks etc with him.

My dd is 12 y8 we live in country and he is happy with his own company or his sisters.
They got ps at xmas so play on that or he watches you tube videos
He will eventually find a group to socialise with and you will worry more then.

Outside of school, my two DSs mainly socialised online at that age (with online and IRL friends). Younger one played a team sport but there’s not too much else they can do - mine weren’t into bike rides etc. Hanging at each other’s houses in bigger groups was also less fun because there’s only two Xbox controllers! As long as he’s not feeling lonely, I would try not to project. And maybe offer to take him and 1-2 mates to the occasional activity (driving range, footgolf ... whatever).

Thanks all. yes I would normally offer that @CrypticQueen but with it being lockdown here (Yorkshire) there's nothing they can really do. I mean, I guess that's why he's not getting invites etc but I'm just worried he isn't cultivating friendships etc. He is the sort of kid that energises round people so he is definitely feeling flat and deflated

I have exactly the same problem with my 13 year old son. He seem very isolated and depressed. Tried to reach out to him mates but often gets excuses and feels rejected. I feel powerless and feel loke a nag when i ask him about his friendships etc. I guess it is a common problem as I am a teacher and see a lot of kids who just do not fit in. My don is good looking and funny but i m guessing his social skills are not great in a competitive school environment. I never fitted in school but have plenty of friends now. It gets better as you mature i hope

Oh I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this too. What a shame we cant get them together! It's strange as my son is also very funny and quirky. He is also an actor and been on a couple of TV programmes so his confidence is fine and his communicates well. What was it like at primary school for your son? Xx

My 13 year old is similar too.
He will chat to friends online here and there but lockdown leaves him quite isolated and stuck upstairs doing homeschool lessons online.

My elder son was like this at 13 though and didn't really get going with friendships outside of school until he was 17 when there were more parties etc. He is fine now.

I think it is an awkward age. My son was lot more confident while in primary. He always made friends easily but even then did not always hang on to his friends. I was not too worried as he did a lot of sport and was always busy. He is a black belt in karate but is no longer interested in it. Even before lockdown.Just wants to sit in his room and occasionally comes down to spend time with us. He likes cooking so we encourage him as it means he talks to us while doing it. He does not try at school much although he is bright. I just want him to get his spark back. I see so many kids struggling like that while at work ( I am a teacher). Kids standing on their own at break and kids eating alone. My son had episodes of loneliness in his primary at times but is normally very sociable so this behaviour is worrying. He does not even want to try to contact his mates online. The lockdown has made it worse.

Sounds like both our our sons are very similar. Thanks for messaging. It really helps to know I'm not alone. Same with mine, solid group in primary, loved his drama etc so always busy.
Now he seems very lonely to me...