Need some perspective

[Fable123]

Hi there
I don’t know if I’m losing the plot and over reacting here - could you help me gain some perspective?
Will try and keep to the facts - DD is 18, we have always had a great relationship- open and honest and fun I would say.
About a year ago, her then BF of a year cheated on her with one of her old school friends. She was understandably really upset and sad, and also had lots going on with her health- there was a lot going on for her, and it took months of me listening to her berating said BF and friend- all normal stuff I guess, and I was there to listen, keep her propped up and get to the bottom of health stuff at same time. It was horrible seeing her so heartbroken, but know we all go through it.
Fast forward to this summer, friend has now resurfaced, all is forgiven etc. Month or so later, DD announces she is bisexual and they are now in a relationship.
I feel really angry - I realise this is not the ‘right’ thing to feel, but I just cannot understand WHY?? She could honestly have a pick of a number of partners - of either gender, so why? We keep arguing about this and our relationship has gone rapidly downhill. I’m so gutted and sad - but if I condone this I don’t feel I’m protecting her and showing her that a toxic start is not a good foundation for a relationship.
I don’t know what to do for the best and it’s really affecting my mental health.
Am I in the wrong here? It feels like an act of self abuse to me, it am I just being too rigid in my thinking?
Any thoughts much appreciated

Hi. You have a lot to get your head round here and you probably can't make sense of it as so many thoughts are spinning around.

What I've read is that.

You think she's foolish for having a relationship with someone who was once your daughters friend and did something really horrible to her.

Even though you don't mind that she is bisexual it was a shock to hear it. It is something you need a little time to process.

You are also I think concerned that your daughter has acted in response to being hurt by her ex BF and her friend and this is not a healthy response.

The more you push against her decision the more she will be drawn to the relationship and go against your thoughts.

She is trying to become an adult. She has been hurt and is now trying to find her own way through this.

You need to break it down and tell her that you are ok with her being in a same sex relationship.

That you are concerned about her choice of partner due to her hurting you but you accept it is her life and you will support her.

Tell her you love her. Perhaps write it down than say it. There's no tone or over emotion. She can think about it and respond in her time. Rather than you waiting for a response.

Then back off. It's going to be very hard. Let her work it out and just be there for her. This is her first step at being independent.

Thank you @fuzzymoon - you have understood perfectly what I’m wrestling with. Her bisexuality was a shock as seemed to have come from nowhere - but don’t have a problem with it. It is more why she would choose someone who has been so unkind, but you are right, she needs to make her own decisions, however I’ll advised they seem.
Lockdown muddies the waters here - the fact she wants to go to gatherings, spend hours outside in the freezing cold and go to sleepovers....all sparks huge rows and then I end up cross and so it goes round again.

I think writing things down sounds like a good idea.

It just feels unhealthy to me and I keep wondering ‘why’?

I think your daughters rebellious side may have been suppressed by having a long term relationship. I don't know but she may need to rebel. Have some pushing boundaries.

Try writing a letter it makes such a difference. Leave it with her and walk away. When you write it don't say what you think she's doing wrong just put you love her, want her to be with someone who won't hurt her and respects her. That you will accept her as she is. That you can't stop her mixing at this time but you're scared about getting Covid and spreading it. That you worry as you love her and just want to protect her.

There's a book. It's at the end of her teen years but it will still give you help and perspective on what is happening to her. Get out my life but first take me and Alex to town. I read it when my daughter was 18 and wished I'd read it years ago.

I have a 17 yo dd the more you don't want her doing something the more attractive it seems to her.
She hasn't looked to go out yet only to bfs house 1 over xmas
She seems to have got the fight out off her.
So leave her be for a while she is 18

Thank you both - will dig out the book @fuzzymoon as i have it gathering dust somewhere!

It's hard moving to a relationship of two respectful adults.

Dd needs to have autonomy and to make her own decisions. There will be mistakes, some of which you can see coming. But we learn from our own mistakes and need the freedom to make them. It's ok to tell dd you don't like the way her friend treated her previously and that you hope this won't be repeated.

Mainly I think you need to try to step back a bit. Easier said than done I know.