DH and teen clashing all the time

[polkadotpjs]

DS1 is almost 14. Typical
Teen I think. Disrespectful, rude, ungrateful in small ways but can also be lovely eg on Christmas Day in front of people
Small examples:
-Woke his much younger brother last night stomping about shouting he wanted his Christmas sweets and couldn't find them. Woke him then lied and said he hadn't

• mimics me, his brother and DH ina stupid squeaky voice
• has to be told he smells to make him shower- won't change clothes:, leaned wet towels on floor if he does shower
• pees on toilet repeatedly but says "it wasn't me" even if I know it was and wont clean it

-only comes out on eg walk with dog if forced/ threatened with sanctions

• bare minimum school work when there
• was eating upstairs but now we've made him come down but mealtimes are unpleasant- shouting/ hitting his brother or name calling
• complained about Christmas gifts- as in that he'd expected cash as well, so moaned about the lack of cash - we stretched to give a nice main gift and he said "I'm grateful but x y and z got £££"

Little things but they add up to big disrespect and if I threaten no phone/ Xbox he says "I don't care. Take them". I'm exhausted and DH is so down that he's thinking he'd rather not be here (as in living here)
He won't do any chores, bedtime is always a chore- won't clean his teeth unless we shout
I'm at a loose end now. Too many parenting books to even start scrolling and looking for one. I'm a big believer in positive reinforcement rather than punishment - I maybe just need to go to bed and start again tomorrow. Thanks for reading

I'm a big believer in positive reinforcement rather than punishment -

Me too, however you have to know when to admit it isn't working. Whenever I read pistes about teenagers like this I always think you need to work back as a parent to see how you got to this point in the first place, that will give a starting point to work with.

It’s pointless “clashing” with a teen.
You BOTH need to decide what you will accept and what you won’t. Decide together on consequences and stick to it.
Pick your battles. He doesn’t HAVE to come on a dog walk but doesn’t get to hit or name call a sibling.
Also stop “threatening” things. Once consequences are set? Do them. Don’t threaten them.

Having just about survived the teenage years with two daughters now 24 and 21 I'm sending you a hug because it can be absolutely exhausting. Only advice I have is this too shall pass. Pick your battles let small things go. My relationship really suffered I thought my husband was to hard on them he thought I was to soft. We have an 11 year old daughter as well I'm hoping third time lucky ! X

I'm in tears in bed now. Also found a cat poo on my bed from my elderly cat who might need to be PTS and I could do without another child in the house in DH
His sibling is suffering too and I'm so very tired.
We don't threaten and not follow through often. The only think we disagree on is threatening with not going to the park - I've said "if x y z then no park" but DH would rather he went. DH and I mainly agree but he's softer than I am and I think wants to spoil him. He equates treating him with love and I think struggles without their previous shared time like football etc. He's finding lockdown hard without his free time and it's just a big mess. Of course there's no park at all now as I'm now tier 4 and no school either so he'll be very down in addition to being angry. I don't expect cures I'm just writing to get it out before I pick myself up and go again

I actually think raising teenagers is the hardest part of being a parent. I hope you get a rest

I feel your pain. You sound overwhelmed. I muddled my way thru the teen years so no useful advice or successful strategies particularly - I tried to be kind, to them and myself, and told them
openly when their behaviour was really hurting me. It's such an awful
Time for them, now more than ever. It sounds like you are doing your best and I'm sure they know you love them. Ride it out and you'll see them on the other side, when they are lovely adults that make you so proud like mine do now x

Thanks so much for the replies. Last night I was too tired to even speak to DH and furious about the mystery sh*t appearance. She then did a huge poo IN the little tray that woke me up, such was the stench and I had to get up again and start cleaning litter trays. It's just a bit tiring. Teen just appeared to get his phone snd let me hug him so that's nice to see he's still in there. He was such a lovely soul as a younger child. Just amazing and funny an kind and NICE. I miss him.

Yep sounds pretty normal teen behaviour.

I would try to take a step back and try a completely different approach.

When my teen is being as you describe I chase her around the kitchen trying to hug her. She gets annoyed and then an hour later will come down with her dishes and give me a hug.

I've had a lot of years working with teens too and they never respond when backed into a corner. You always have to give them a way to come to you.

DH is saying things need to change or the household needs to change. Ie be leaves. He's really down but won't read books or articles. Just thinks he's in charge so kids should behave

Sounds so familiar to the way my husband was. He would say this is my house they will behave. Honestly we argued more those years than ever before. I really sympathize it's awful. We ended up at marriage counseling as it really got that bad. That was the best thing we ever did it absolutely changed everything. I'm sorry I wish I had some better advice for you but know you are not alone. Those awful teenagers are now lovely adults and we made it through it all. If you can get out a walk sometimes they talk better than sitting awkwardly in the house one to one. X

I've just suggested counselling funnily enough. Maybe us to start with and then DS later if needed but I think if we sort out our approach we will be ok. I worry so much about teens today and I'm more talk talk/ cuddles/ you can tell me anything and touchy feely despite my childhood being quite separate to my parents in that we didn't cuddle much or talk about feelings much at all

A parenting advisor rather than counselling might help.
I have sent you a PM.

Teens are very hard. I would stop nagging him to clean his teeth...if he gets fillings its his problem. When he starts getting interested in girls his hygene should hopefully improve.

My dd now 27 has lovely white clean teeth.

But oh the nightmare of orthodontist visits every 6 weeks, where the orthodontist would lay in to him about dirty teeth. Every 6 weeks for about 4 years. I did my best.

Suddenly at 16 and 17 his teeth were cleaned properly....... girls....