DD(17) sexually assaulted

[janeeyree]

I found out today that my 17 year old DD was sexually assaulted at a club earlier this year (pre-lockdown I hasten to add). Bit of a long story but we were watching a movie together and during one scene, she broke down crying and told me what had happened. Apparently, she went to a busy club in our city with a few friends and got separated from them. A man approached DD and started jumping up and down high-fiving her. Another man (presumably the first man’s friend) then came up from behind, grabbed her bum, then slid his hands round her waist and towards her crotch. She pushed his hands away and her friend who saw that she was in distress grabbed her and pulled her away. When she looked around, both men had gone and she didn’t see the man who was behind her at all.

Her friends couldn’t hear her over the loud music but she was able to signal that she wanted to leave. On the way out, a man grabbed her friend’s bum, she screamed but no one helped. They then all left by taxi and stayed the night at a friend’s house.

This all happened at around 2am. I asked her why she didn’t go and report it to someone at the club but she said that there were so many people that there wouldn’t have been any point as she couldn’t identify either man. She also said that she was really embarrassed and the thought didn’t really occur to her. She said she wasn’t really bothered for a few months because it felt like something that inevitably happens to all women (her words not mine ) but it’s only just sunk in and she’s now registering just how violated she felt.

I’m just in shock to be honest. I’m so angry at myself that I had no idea this had happened and that I wasn’t there to protect her. I’m annoyed that she went to a club as well (though of course that’s not my prime concern). I’m so angry that we have no way of reporting the person who did this and I’m so upset that my baby had to go through this. Anyone have any similar experiences or advice on what I should say to her? She’s adamant that she doesn’t want counselling as it’s “embarrassing” to talk about and she doesn’t feel like it’s a “big deal” compared to people who have experienced much more serious assaults.

I think you’ve said everything you should say as your DD appears to be coping well. I’d just monitor her well-being as it might affect her more say the next time she’s in a club.

It's not pleasant but I think almost every woman reading this will have had some bloke trying to grope her in a club/on a bus/at a party. I'm not sure why you are so shocked, or how you think you could have prevented this. It's good to hear she had friends who were supportive at the time.
There's nothing you can do now, but maybe you can talk to her about how she could deal with if it happened again - what could she say or do, how could she stop it at the time, how could she identify and report. Some sort of self-defence training might help, practising running a heel down an attackers shin, stamping a stiletto onto their foot, calling them out loudly, taking note of their appearance and reporting them to security straight away. Maybe contacting venues in advance and asking what their policy is, should this happen again - and it will. Sad to say, I suspect some venues will not treat as seriously as they should.