DS 15 keeps making me tearful

[Coolieloach]

DS 15 is hard work. Always been extremely highly strung, stubborn, disobedient, school refuser, volatile, totally think he has ADHD (refuses to be assessed) you get the picture. Over the years his dad and I have adapted our parenting to focus on rewarding any positive behaviours and try (to an extent) to ignore bad behaviours. (Punishments don’t work as he doesn’t care about or realise consequences). For example if we turned off the WiFi he’d climb out of the window to a friends house (he was 12 at the time!), stopped any money or treats, he didn’t care, etc.

I’m feeling more stressed (aren’t we all), I’m not sure how much more I can take. It’s a mixture of his refusal to follow any instructions and total and utter disrespect towards to us.
A couple of weeks ago I discovered he had found and stolen an expensive bottle of vodka I had bought for his Dad for Christmas. I didn’t go mad, but told him off, he said sorry, he did chores and dog walks to pay off the ‘debt’ Last week I was in bed and heard a strange rustling sound in the early hours. It turned out he had sellotaped his room shut (covering any cracks) so he could smoke weed out of the window thinking he could hide the smell. (I’ve caught him smoking before, we’ve had the whole drugs chat) Again, didn’t go mad, told him it was totally unacceptable, took smoking paraphernalia away.... he said sorry.

A few nights ago discovered he had sneaked in his girlfriend hiding in his wardrobe when I went in to investigate after hearing giggling. I drove her straight home ... he said sorry (although this time with a smirk 😡).

The last straw is his latest obsession. He thinks it’s ok to go pokemon hunting in the middle of the night and then sleep all day. I spoke to him last night, explained this was not ok, we have a home it is not a hotel and well you know it’s not safe to wander the streets in the middle of the night. We have ring doorbell cameras on the front and back of our property- he climbs out of his bedroom and off the porch roof to bypass the cameras. He promised me he would stop this. I checked this morning and the ring camera caught some movement at 2:30 this morning, he did it again. I stormed into his room in a rage and told him he was a selfish, inconsiderate individual and have had enough. He responded with ‘get out I’m sleeping, stop embarrassing yourself and don’t forget to shut my door’. He’s now made me cry.

I don’t understand any of this, I try so incredibly hard to be a good mum. I used to think maybe there was a mix up at the hospital but he looks just like me (poor sod).
My other children are respectful, try hard in school, and are lovely individuals.
Is it too late to put him up for adoption? Are any other teenagers this impossible?

I have no experience of dealing with behaviour like this, it must be so hard for everyone in your family.

I'm not sure what to suggest apart from calling Family Lives and seeing if they can suggest anything

Oh that sounds so hard, you and your husband sound like you are doing all the right things and it must be so disheartening to see his failure to respond, any one of those - the theft, the hidden girlfriend, the weed, the sneaking out - would be very serious, and he’s done them all. The fact your other children are all lovely individuals mean you really shouldn’t blame yourself, he sounds very tricky.

Could you try to talk to him when you are all calmer about how he wants his future to look? Does he have some post-GCSE plans? Is there anything that might motivate him. I know you said he’s a school refuser, have school offered any professional help, could you go to your GP and explain how you are feeling to see if they can suggest any support?

The weed smoking could well be a way of self-medicating the ADHD.

My 16 year old dd was diagnosed 6 months ago.

It's so hard if he doesn't want to be diagnosed. Medication has been transformative for my dd's self esteem, impulsivity and friendships.

Unmedicated ADHD is a nightmare ime. Is there any way he could be persuaded to go for a diagnosis (bribes or threats, whatever)?

Pathological Demand Avoidance springs to mind with your suspicion of ADHD. Is there anyone else in the family with a diagnosis? PDA is a form of anxiety disorder - which is not to say the behaviour shouldn’t be challenged. You sound like patient and caring parents with a tough job.

I wondered how long it would be before someone came on and said PDA

PDA is a form of autism which is very anxiety driven -an over riding need to control people, their environment etc in order to combat the incredibly high levels of anxiety they feel almost permanently

Its very rare

I'm not saying it's not PDA but it is a term that is being massively over used at the moment

I was a very very very difficult teenager OP and I think my parents would have had similar stories about me. For me it was a combination of peer pressure and very low self esteem. I didn't feel worth anything, couldn't see a future so didn't bother complying with any rules or anyone. I have ended up absolutely fine and in fact quite successful as it turned out that work was the absolute making of me. But what I would advise is that you get therapy to help manage your stress and unhappinesss and that you find experts on child behaviour and get professional help. 15 was my worst age and stage.

Thank you everyone, I’m feeling a bit better today.

He doesn’t actually think his behaviour is bad, he always says he knows people who are far worse. He thinks everyone else has the problem- not him!

I try to focus on the positives and see the funny side of things where possible. He can be so charming, amusing and likeable. However I worry so much about the weed smoking and general reckless behaviour.

I really don’t know about PDA, I have looked into it and there certainly are traits but agree it is can be over used. He definitely suffers from anxiety and has traits of autism. E.g if I collect him if he’s out he’ll call me at least twice before I get to him to check where I am (it’s a 5 minute car journey and I leave straight away), get really upset if he can’t find a certain item of clothing, cuts all labels out of his clothing, can’t have a conversation unless he is swinging around something in his hand (like my sweeping brush) or pulling himself up from the top of the door frame and swinging around like a monkey, constantly fidgeting, will only eat certain foods for several months (e.g pasta & cheese with tuna on the side) then suddenly change to a different type of food and change the pattern again after a few months etc. He can fly into a rage over the most trivial of things like he can’t find one of his gloves quick enough and he’ll kick his bed or furniture really hard and break or dent something then within seconds is cuddling the dog (who he absolutely adores and sleeps with) as if nothing has happened!

I need to accept I have very limited (or no) control over him and just really hope he stays out of trouble and will calm down and ‘find himself’ as an adult. Trouble is I have no experience of adults with ADHD - presumably everyone finds their coping mechanisms, I’ll always support him (if he’ll let me), but it’s just such a worry.

I guess what will be will be

@Coolieloach Ok, he's 15 not an adult. All of the traits in your last post sound exactly like my Ds, now 17 but diagnosed with ADHD at 11.

I don't think it's good enough to accept that 'what will be will be'. Medication could be life changing, if it is ADHD, both for you and him.

And did you know that those with ADHD, up to their late twenties, are 1/3 of their chronological age behind their non affected peers in maturity? So you're dealing with someone who has the emotional maturity and impulse control of a 10 year old, operating in a scary world.

It makes me so frustrated to see untreated ADHD in young people - the damage this does is immense. Please do your child a favour and explore this avenue further.