DD has told her Dad she hates him

[Emmenelle]

I know the title seems quite typical, but this goes deeper than that.

DD is 13 in a couple of months and like most of her generation, is very sensitive to race and sexuality issues. DH is not and will come out with stupid comments whilst watching telly like "well go home then". . He also has verbal diarrhoea around her and just talks nonsense and asks her inane questions. I can tell it's been grating in her for a while - she and I are very close and she now doesn't come out to join me in the kitchen or lounge if he's around, which given current restrictions is all the fucking time.

A few days ago, he was talking bollox about something and she said "I cannot stand you... I absolutely hate you". She said it in such a measured way that I don't doubt it. They've not spoken since.

For context, I've long wondered if my husband has a personality disorder - he doesn't read people well, says and does inappropriate things, and doesn't get sarcasm. He cheated on me quite a bit before the children were born and he has always been emotionally abusive, and I know I should of kicked him to the curb years ago but I've stayed and can put up with him for ease. Unfortunately. Now it seems my DD can't, I'm not sure where to go from here.

We have a 15 year old DS as well who is a bit closer to him, but not much and they have flare ups but possibly much more typical of the teenager v dad variety.

Help. Should I try and mediate between the two of them or let it play out?

If you go through your own post you have said he is emotionally abusive, hinted he is racist and said he asks her stupid questions.

It doesn't sound like your DD is the problem?

If you tell him he's upsetting her, what will he do - ignore you, get annoyed?

Thank you @inquietant for your reply. I completely get that this isn't my DD with the problem - I'm just at a bit of a loss that after deciding I can turn a blind eye and live with it, that she can't. In some ways it's nice to have the validation that he is a difficult arse and it's not 'me'.

I tried speaking to him yesterday and he got a bit angry and said that this is how he is and that's not going to change..

Well he sounds absolutely awful so I can't say I blame your Dd one bit.

Have you ever seriously considered leaving him? His behaviour towards you is disrespectful and abusive so I wonder why you've stayed with him so long.

What do you say when he makes racist comments etc? And how does he react to it. Is he willing to change his behaviour?

I tried speaking to him yesterday and he got a bit angry and said that this is how he is and that's not going to change..

Well if that's his attitude then I suppose you have to wonder if you're willing to put up with him knowing how it's affecting your children and your relationship with them.

Sounds like your DD has a good measure of him, he sounds vile.

Is there anyway you could leave?

What does he offer her as a father? Does she get anything positive from their relationship?

By staying you are complicit in his behaviour. She will get resentful of you too when she clicks that you should leave.

She is just going to want to leave home ASAP because of him.
I suppose the question is whether you want to spend the rest of your life with him ?
Kids will grow up and, hopefully, move on.

We have something similar going on here... Middle-aged white man’s privelage and all that... Sixteen year old DD is bi and can’t wait to leave home because of it. She just doesn’t feel that he would take her seriously because he lives in such an either/or world. She’s right.

Get rid of him as soon as is practical or your DD will leave at the first opportunity. Also an awful example for your DS to grow up to see his father be abusive towards his mum and sister and get away with it - I'm sure you don't want him to turn out like his dad. You can't let your kids live with an abusive racist just because its easier. You will get a lot of good support and advice on here in planning to kick him out.

Thank you for your replies. We live in a rented house and both earn a good wage but have debts to clear over the next 2 years. I didn't think I could cope financially without him but a couple of months ago I ran a check on 'Entitled to' and was surprised that UC would cover the shortfall if he wasn't here.

I suppose I must of known deep down that the kids would get the measure of him as they got older.

So, do you want to spend the rest of your life with him ?

Actually your entire post is the wrong way round - it’s pretty awful that you are hand wringing that your lovely Dd won’t take your passive approach of putting up with a horrid man for money. Good for her. Such a shame you didn’t leave years ago. Cheating / unpleasant views / emotional abuse? What on earth kept you there? Now you will lose your kids earlier as they will leave as soon as they can and you will be stuck with him. Plus the kids will lump you in with him as you choose to stay.

How long do you think it will take before she sees you float, realises that YOU stayed with someone you don't like, just for your comfort, and decides she doesn't like you very much?

Stop gloating. Your daughter was incredibly rude to her father. No matter how many ' inane' questions he asked, she crossed a line.

Your dd sounds so like mine would hate to think of her being around such a vile man. This generation dont “put up with things” like we did. You have choppy waters ahead vital you take her side this isn’t the normal teen stroppiness sounds like the 13 year old in the right here.

*gloat, not float
😂

Honestly, all credit to your DD for being raised in a home which was likely to instil in her that abusive, racist men are the norm and something that women should put up with but actively taking a stance against this dynamic as a child. Really, good on her. I wonder where she drew her strength from, as it obviously wasn't from her main carers.

Why are you being such a passenger in this situation? Don't you want better for your children? Hasn't your daughter's stance really illuminated how bad this environment is?

I think this is a wake up call that it's time to LTB. You stayed presumably for your kids but that's backfired.

Honestly, all credit to your DD for being raised in a home which was likely to instil in her that abusive, racist men are the norm and something that women should put up with but actively taking a stance against this dynamic as a child.

This.

Your dd clearly wants to be a person with good standards: you are asking her to be complicit in racism and ?homophobia. And accept emotional abuse.

Of course she is going to be angry: the two people whose job it is to help her grow up into the best version of her are letting her down.

Be honest - you're failing both your kids by staying with this vile specimen. And if you don't leave him, in the end they will resent you for it. Time to get your ducks in a row - your DD isn't the problem here.