My family is falling apart and I need help

[Greyclouds10]

Dont really know where to put this so have put it on a couple of areas, sorry.
I know it has been a tough year for everyone but this year has been the worst we've had. I feel like my family is falling apart at the seems and I don't know what to do. So a few months ago my eldest daughter (15) told us she thought she was transgender. This took us completely by surprise. She has never been a girlie girl but she has also never given any hints she may identify as a boy. She is so lacking in self confidence and so insular, I don't know what to do. Then last month we had the police turn up on our doorstep again about my eldest. They were questioning a boy who was her ex boyfriend. They had found rude photos on his phone and wanted to know if she had willingly sent them etc. (She wasnt in trouble with police more a witness it turns out). But it means she had sent nude pictures at 14 years old. Then two weeks ago I got a distraught phone call from my mother in law as school had rung her as they couldn't get hold of me and my husband (we were at work) because my middle daughter (12) had self harmed. Speaking to her it was over what I would call nothing but obviously stuff had built up to her and she found she had no other outlet as we were in lockdown. She says it was one time and she realised how dangerous it was and that's why she spoke to a teacher. Now tonight my husband opened a bank statement to find around £200 going out to google play, we thought it was fraud as we only have our two accounts and kids use our accounts and we do not store payment details on them. I dont know why but I had an uneasy feeling so asked to check their devices. Again it was my eldest. I couldn't understand how it had worked as no card was attached. It turns out she had heard us talking and deleted it. She had taken my husbands card in sept, set up an account and put the card on it. She has spent nearly £200 with prices ranging from a couple of quid to £20+. It has become a very regular occurance with some days it her buying things up to 7 times in the day. Not only am I shocked she would do this, but she has stolen, the card and the money afterwards. But also I am worried she getting or it addicted. She will be paying this back. She has just sat her mocks and school said they were concerned she was struggling with pressure (they only said this last week) but we knew she was finding it tough going. I just do not know what to do, I am just such a failure at parenthood. I have let them down so much. What do I do?

You are absolutely not a failure at parenthood, so stop that destructive way of thinking right now. Regarding your 12 year old, you should praise her for reaching out for support when she realised she did something foolish. Keep the lines of communication open and talk to her about how she's feeling as much as possible.

As for you eldest, again, keep talking and work with her to find avenues of support and information. Sending the pics was an unfortunate choice, but one many young people make. After dealing with the police, I am sure she has learned a great deal. In regards to the credit card, she definitely needs to be held accountable, but again this is not an unusable thing for young person to do. They can be impulsive and fail to weigh the consequences of their actions, but then reality kicks in. This does not make her a bad kid by any stretch, and I'm confident she won't be doing this again.

Take a deep breath and try to calm down. You are doing just fine!

*unusual thing

Feel very sorry for you. That's a lot to cope with. But first of all you must stop saying you've let them down. Why do you think it's your fault?

Re the trans stuff, are there other kids at school with similar issues? Or is your daughter in touch with people online? I would try to dig a bit deeper there. Unfortunately, troubled kids sometimes say they're trans when actually they're just a bit mixed up and feel uncomfortable in their skin (a very familiar teenage thing of course!). But I would probably just be "mmm, mmm" rather than try to antagonise your daughter let alone encourage her.

I'm absolutely no expert. I do have teenagers myself and have had some trouble but not exactly what you're going through. I suppose my best advice would be to try to keep some lines of communication open. Try to make sure that the DC know that you enjoy their company and want to be with them. Get them doing physical stuff with you -- something you both enjoy. Gardening, cooking, DIY, even watching something together.

Sounds like she is addicted to gaming and yuo need to think about how to manage that as well. Making strict rules and confiscating devices is unlikely to help your relationship... but she has to know that there are consequences to stealing from you. That's not on.

As for middle daughter, again I'd try to get close to her, reinstate hugs etc if that is happening less as she gets older. Sounds like it's a cry for help.

Sorry not much help.... good luck.

I don’t know if you need to do anything other than just make sure they know you are always there for them.

Agree with @arbiebarb that the best thing to do is keep the lines of communication open. Don’t panic at all this (I too would hopping about the theft but it’s done, and you’ve put a stop to it now). I thought being a teen when I was young was hard, but oh my goodness there is so much for our kids to get their young minds around.

I have no advice really, just that even sensible children will make mistakes and go off down a blind ally every now and again. Encourage them to be open minded, to sit with new ideas, not make rash decisions and give themselves credit for what they achieved — and do the same for yourself.

Teenage years are hard. A mum who is always there no matter what, is an anchor in a storm.

You are not a failure

It is an incredibly scary and difficult time to parent teens.

I have had my struggles with dd which I am hoping she is now starting to come out the other side of, her dad sodding off completely out of her life just as she was entering her teens and coming to terms with having a lifelong disability which may mean she's in a wheelchair by 50, the "daddy issues" meaning she chose some very dodgy boyfriends, school were shit and no support at all and indeed made her life harder than it needed to be resulting in her leaving earlier than I'd have liked, issues with alcohol (she wasn't probably even drinking much but it's a trigger for me and it meant she was putting herself at risk of falls etc which is a problem with her disability anyway) and many many arguments about all the usual teen stuff - being a slob (she's still a slob but doesn't live with me now so I don't have to deal with it! ), coming and going all hours and me worried sick, eating me out of house and home! Lacking direction when she first left school...

It's bloody hard!

She also had her share of mh issues, she mainly struggles with severe shyness/social anxiety to the point she had a stutter for some years. She also has panic attacks if she feels "trapped" in a social situation she can't see her way out of.

First - give yourself a break. You and your family have a LOT going on and it's understandable to feel overwhelmed!

Second - reach out for help! You don't have to do this alone. It isn't easy to obtain help unfortunately so I'd advise being stubborn and tenacious! Hopefully in your case the school will help you do this, also your gp and if necessary ss (they are not child stealing monsters! They are very experienced in supporting families with these kind of issues) all of these avenues will hopefully help you access support.

Check out if there are local parenting classes aimed at parents of teens (it's NOT a criticism of your parenting but sometimes new ideas and approaches are useful)

Talk to others - I have been very fortunate to have a lovely friend I've been able to be very honest with who has shared her own experiences and advised me. Hers are a bit ahead of mine.

Even my mum (with whom I have a complicated relationship) has been a great sounding board and supporter and reassured me certain things are just part of this stage of parenting.

Post on here - use a name change, change certain details to avoid "outing" but mn can be truly amazing for this stuff.

Do some reading - I gleaned from here ideas for reading material which prove useful if only to know it wasn't just me dealing with a child I no longer recognised!

Have faith - I know that seems trite and stupid at the moment but honestly, somehow they do come through the other side! My dd is back studying, hardly drinks (seriously I am actually grateful the bars and clubs have hardly been open this year!), has part time jobs (plural) and is staying with family while studying and helping them out where she can. She talks to me nearly every day and I feel like I have my dd back after a few very difficult years.

If someone had told me even a year ago I'd be feeling this way I'd have said they were talking shite! Total turnaround!

You will get through this

I would definitely not get social services involved. You might be lucky with your social worker, or you might not...

Poor you OP. It all happens at once doesn't it. The pressures on teenagers (and their parents) are huge at the moment.
Re your 15 year old - there has been an explosion of girls identifying as 'trans' in recent years. This organisation has been set up to support parents:
www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/
Also; www.transgendertrend.com/
They promote a watch and wait approach - supporting your child while avoiding the drugs and surgery route promoted by all the lobby groups. It's a complicated issue and what is most important is that your child explores her feelings while avoiding making any life altering decisions. There's a lot of information on FWR on here

There's no easy answer to all this. Maybe trying to ensure that you spend some 1 - 1 time with each child, letting them talk and really listening to them. Graphista has given some awesome advice.

Parenting is such a challenge, especially at the moment.

Thank you everyone. I just really felt the pressure when I wrote this, I felt I had in some way let them down and it was my fault as a parent, as there mum. Alot of that pressure has lifted with your kind words and advice. I honestly think alot of these things have been made worse with the current situation, including my ability to cope with them. We are going to have a family xmas on our own as a family and spend good quality time together. Then we have decided to try and be more active as a family (helping mental health) and also will allow us to be together more productively if that makes sense. I dont know what will happen but I can honestly say thank you, reading these comments has helped me realise we are not alone, normal, good families do go through these things and still come out the other side. So thank you