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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Driving Lesson hell

23 replies

doonaduvet · 15/12/2020 09:25

I just took my daughter out for her first driving lesson again after many months, her learner license ran out and she just got it again. She didn't manage to get her license the first time as she was so busy with uni applications and it was just added stress we both didn't need. It was a nightmare the first time as she would argue with me and even stopped the car in the middle of a (quiet) road once, slammed the door and walked off. So I then paid for about a dozen lessons but she then went off to uni.

She wanted to try again but I made her promise that she would listen to me, but that went out the window (along with her driver's license she threw) when I asked her to do something but she interrupted and said she wanted to do it herself. When she stopped the car I tried to talk to her about how she needs to listen to me but she just got silent and angry. She then got a friend to come pick her up and went out without telling me anything. I know she is an adult but I feel a real lack of respect.

Her dad can't teach her to drive as he can no longer have a license due to his poor eyesight. She has had depression and anxiety issues so I am careful about pushing too hard. She is back to uni soon on a really intense course and I am concerned about how she handles criticism there, or is it just me she doesn't treat with respect? She is working during the holidays (for spending money, we pay for food and board) and I have been driving her to and from work, should I stop? It's an hour bus ride or a lot in taxi's.

OP posts:

Finfintytint · 15/12/2020 09:29

Let her get on with paying for lessons herself.

Original poster

doonaduvet · 15/12/2020 09:34

Thanks FinFintytint, I didn't even think of that in my current state.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 15/12/2020 09:37

Your daughter is too immature to be driving. Stopping in the road and walking away, throwing her license out the window? That is outrageous and completely unacceptable behaviour. I wouldn't pay for any more lessons and I would not be driving her to work.

Time40 · 15/12/2020 09:38

Yes, definitely let her pay for her own lessons in future.

Time40 · 15/12/2020 09:42

Personally, I'd continue to drive her to work. What I wouldn't do is give her another driving lesson, ever, even if she begged me.

HMSBeagle · 15/12/2020 09:43

She isnt seeing this as you trying to help her out clearly.

I would mention to her that it's a bonus that you are trying to save her money on driving lessons but it's clearly not going to work and park learning to drive for a while ( unless she wants to step up and sort out her own lessons with someone that wont tolerate her stopping in the middle of the road).

Ask her to get the bus into work but you you ok to drive her in genuine emergencies.

The joy of teenagers

Original poster

doonaduvet · 15/12/2020 09:53

Aquamarine - I think you're right but she always been seen as mature by others, it's just with me she looses it with. She has worked for 5 years and is doing a full-on uni degree but I've always been there, driving her, paying for everything and even proof reading assignments - maybe she just sees me as a servant (or I'm just feeling sorry for myself).

OP posts:

Original poster

doonaduvet · 15/12/2020 09:59

Time40 and HMSBeagle - thank you. I think I will tell her I will drive her one way at most each day, which ever best fits into my schedule - I need to take some time and control back for me.

OP posts:

Prufrocks · 15/12/2020 10:02

I was a relatively mature and level headed teenager but something about driving lessons turned me into a monster.

I sacked three instructors and was sacked by one more.

To this day I have no idea what it was about that environment that made me act like that. Anyway. I can drive now. I paid for the lessons myself and when I ran out of instructors I just drove myself everywhere (with a licensed driver) until I felt confident. Passed test first time with 2 minors.

sashagabadon · 15/12/2020 10:05

She really should be paying for her own lessons and stop giving her lessons yourself. Too stressful!
Make sure she is responsible for everything about learning to drive. You could offer to pay for some lessons for Xmas but other than that don’t get involved

Rainallnight · 15/12/2020 10:06

She shouldn’t be driving. Does she have mental health problems?

Original poster

doonaduvet · 15/12/2020 10:09

Prufrocks - thank you - there is hope for her yet then! I think it's hard for me to understand how she feels (or you felt about driving), I grew up on a farm so was driving the forklift and buggy I think from about 8 and was reversing trucks for dad at 12, I had a few lessons on the road with a proper instructor and then got my license as soon as I could. Maybe I need to be a bit more understanding that it's not as natural for her, but it doesn't help me know why she can't listen to me.

OP posts:

ScrapThatThen · 15/12/2020 10:16

I think it's a parent thing, when she is cross with herself it gets projected onto you. She'll have to find someone else, or learn skills to keep calm.

cyclingmad · 15/12/2020 10:48

I hated my dad giving me lessons it was always nit picking, not saying your doing that OP but something about his delivery rubed me up wrong way, even after I passed he would make comments. I finally had a stern word with him to stop telling me how to drive as id passed.

Just leave her to pay for an instructor but don't drive her everywhere otherwise little incentive to leave to drive.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 15/12/2020 10:52

What is it that actually causes the fights? How are you giving instructions?

You really dont need to be saying much other "go up a gear" if she hasnt or "slow a bit more for the corners". How is that causing such a fight? What are you saying that she isnt listening to?

FAQs · 15/12/2020 10:55

Drive her to and from work @25p per mile to cover costs. Probably best stepping back from lessons and let her sort it out.

safariboot · 15/12/2020 11:03

She needs professional lessons. You might be a good driver but you're not a trained instructor.

If she can't afford them, she'll have to wait until she can.

I still remember how stressful my first driving lessons were. I didn't lose my temper but I can understand why someone might.

newnamenancy · 15/12/2020 11:05

It would seem that your styles clash.

Perhaps she's someone that does better learning by trying herself. I know I'm much better like this, being forced to listen to details instructions would stress me out and I wouldn't be able to put it into practice.

Eg I couldn't manage the complicated 5 step parallel park procedure my instructor tried to teach me, I had a few practices and worked out my own way to do it.

You sound like you might be more into the detail, perhaps someone who reads the instruction manual fully before building something (at a random guess)

It's fine to say it isn't working. She can pay for her own lessons. It isn't worth the family disharmony

Prufrocks · 15/12/2020 11:10

@newnamenancy

It would seem that your styles clash.

Eg I couldn't manage the complicated 5 step parallel park procedure my instructor tried to teach me, I had a few practices and worked out my own way to do it.

You sound like you might be more into the detail, perhaps someone who reads the instruction manual fully before building something (at a random guess)

It's fine to say it isn't working. She can pay for her own lessons. It isn't worth the family disharmony

I agree with this so much.

You say she struggles with anxiety and depression. Is she a bit of a perfectionist? This personality type likes to take their problems away and work on them by themselves.

You also say you’re concerned about how she takes criticism in her academic career. That environment is so different to learning to drive. She can improve her essays carefully in her own time at university. In a car she may feel a bit cornered.

Original poster

doonaduvet · 15/12/2020 12:25

Thank you everyone, it is amazing how right you all are.
Yes, she is a perfectionist.
I am the type to read the instructions, she is not, she is so like her father, they both have exceptional spatial ability. I am quite sad that her dad can't teach her to drive, I think he is too, he only lost half his eyesight 2 years ago. Maybe I can take them both to the deserted car park and get out and walk the dog whilst they drive around.
I have taught about 5 others to drive, friends at uni, friends children and my son, but this is breaking me. I try to let her get on with it and just check things off.
The fight today was because I asked her to practice reverse parking behind a mark in the (empty) car park, she wanted to do it elsewhere. She got quiet when I said she needed to listen to me if she wanted me to teach her - I didn't get angry or yell.
I like the idea of charging her to drive her to work!
I think the idea of money for lessons for Christmas is excellent.
She does project onto me, I will use this when she calms down to say why she needs to take proper lessons.
Thanks again. This was first time I have started a thread and it was really helpful.

OP posts:

sashagabadon · 15/12/2020 12:29

Think of it as money well spent to preserve your own sanity and your relationship with your daughter. A bargain and excellent use of money. Plus you are helping the economy too so a win win win

OccultGnuAsWell · 15/12/2020 12:42

I read somewhere that for the sake of harmony you should never attempt to teach a family member to drive a car or to play golf.

My dear departed and entirely lovely dh nearly had a driver bent round his neck by me after one lesson. I'm entirely lovely too so goodness knows where the exorcist voice and threat of violence came from (#notmfinesthour).

Somehow there was nothing worse than someone saying "come on this is easy" when it damn well wasn't.

Proper driving lessons may be the answer to take the heat out of the situation.

Fishfingersandwichplease · 15/12/2020 13:56

My dad was a Maths Teacher - nothing he didn't know about the subject but if he ever tried to help me with my homework, it always ended in an argument. Not sure parents teaching kids this sort of thing is always a good idea!

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