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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

How much time alone in room ?

20 replies

Saltn · 13/12/2020 23:45

Just had a horrible argument with Dd aged 15 after I removed her phone as she has school tomorrow. Dh and I want to reset the ground rules as she is ruling the roost a little too much. I feel the masses of time she spends alone in her room is part of tbe issue. She never wants to sit with us, she comes down for food and enforced dog walks but that's it. She spends every moment playing online games and talking to friends. Shes also had a mental health crisis this year which involved CAMHs and has anxiety. I feel like we should limit the time in her room , but is that realistic?

OP posts:
snookercue · 13/12/2020 23:54

Don't limit the time she spends in her room. It's her safe space and if she has been in crisis she absolutely needs her safe space. Most teens spend a lot of time in their rooms and you say she is speaking to friends while she is in her room so that's actually really good. Maintaining social contact is vital.

I would try to encourage her to do things with you which will in turn help but I would t come down hard on her re time in her room. That is throwing a huge negative in her oath.

snookercue · 13/12/2020 23:54

*path

Titsywoo · 13/12/2020 23:57

You want to force her to spend time with you? No a good idea. My teens come and see us when they want and I pop into their rooms every now and then for a chat. The 13 year old probably spends an hour a day with us, the 16 year old about 15-30 mins (that includes when they are cooking). This is what teens do - pick your battles wisely!

Superstardjs · 13/12/2020 23:58

I can't give much advice as mine spends no (awake) time in hers. 2 things I will suggest though- midnight (ish) on a school night is v late and I really think that if she cannot self regulate then removing it is a good idea and I would do the same (though I am strict, so would be taking it more like 10/10.30).
Secondly, if you want her to come downstairs, it has to be worth her while. I don't mean that unkindly, but if you want her to stop staying in her room, what is she coming down for? Will she cook/watch a particular genre of films that you can pretend to get enthusiastic about/paint a wall/eat a lot of cheese and watch strictly etc?

Justmuddlingalong · 13/12/2020 23:59

At 15 my friends were the most important people in my life. I spent most of my time in my room or out with friends. During lockdown, she's socialising online because there's no alternative.

Original poster
Saltn · 13/12/2020 23:59

Thank you, I just feel she would be better if she were out and mixing with us. Even just a 30 minute tv show. Her reaction to having her phones removed was so over the top and I am sure the constant staying in her room doesnt help.

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Original poster
Saltn · 14/12/2020 00:02

I meant phone.

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Original poster
Saltn · 14/12/2020 00:04

@superstardjs the phone was removed at 10. The arguing about the removal went on until now and involved several visits other room to ensure the ceiling light was off and she was in bed as her 'protest' over the lack of phone was to find some other way to stay awake to prove a point.Hmm

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Original poster
Saltn · 14/12/2020 00:05

@Titsywoo. That's so reassuring to hear. I thought it was just us.

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Original poster
Saltn · 14/12/2020 00:07

Sadly she wouldn't be out with friends even if it wasnt for the pandemic. She suffers from anxiety which has got a lot worse this year , but I suspect it would have anyway.

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BackforGood · 14/12/2020 00:12

I agree with Titsywoo
It is pretty normal for 15 yr olds to spend their time in their rooms.
We've always had our main meal together, round the table, but other than that, when each of mine were in the house at 15 yrs, they would be in their room (apart from when in the shower).

worriedwellworrier · 14/12/2020 00:14

My 13 year old is either on her room on the phone to friends or out with friends. She comes in from school and straight to her room. Occasionally will eat with us then straight back up. Less than 30 minutes a day that we see her.
I hate it. Worries me sick, I see her friends in their parents FB having movie nights and wearing matching pyjamas- mine would be horrified at the thought of this. However, all I hear is proper belly laughing when she talks to her friends so I’m backing off for now.

Superstardjs · 14/12/2020 00:15

[quote Saltn]@superstardjs the phone was removed at 10. The arguing about the removal went on until now and involved several visits other room to ensure the ceiling light was off and she was in bed as her 'protest' over the lack of phone was to find some other way to stay awake to prove a point.Hmm[/quote]
I'd pick your battle over that one. She's not on the phone, great, but if she wants to read, draw, whatever, that would be fine by me - you can't make her sleep but you can support good sleep hygiene.

Original poster
Saltn · 14/12/2020 00:17

Which is why my battle was to get the big ceiling light switched off at least.

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AlexaShutUp · 14/12/2020 00:35

Sorry, but I think you're approaching this in the wrong way. Arbitrarily limiting the time that she spends in her room will just piss her off and make her even less likely to want to spend time with you. It's unnecessarily controlling.

My dd is the same age, and yes, she spends a lot more time in her room than she used to, but I respect this while working really hard at maintaining the relationship and making her want to spend time with me. When you are together, is it on her terms or yours? Are you talking about the stuff that really interests her? Doing stuff that she wants to do?

Spending time with family shouldn't be a chore or a duty, and forcing her to sit with you makes it just that. Find a reason to make her want to come out of her room.

I wouldn't be taking the phone away at this age, either. I would be having conversations about the importance of sleep etc, but ultimately, you cannot force her to sleep if she doesn't want to.

As a general rule, trying to make teenagers do stuff doesn't really work - it just encourages them to push back in the opposite direction and everything becomes a power struggle. It's much more effective to appeal respectfully to their common sense and better nature.

QueenPaws · 14/12/2020 00:39

I think I emerged from my room at 17 Grin
Just keep talking, leave everything really open. I would sometimes wander out and sit and watch TV or read on the sofa and then disappear again. My mum said it was like having a hormonal ghost floating about
I think if you push she will push back and you just end up both being grouchy. I started to spend more time with my parents when I was 17 onwards but 13-16 not so much

BackforGood · 14/12/2020 00:51

Spot on @AlexaShutUp

Original poster
Saltn · 14/12/2020 03:30

@Alexashutup. Been there and got the t shirt. She has no common sense and will stay up all night. The reason the phone is removed is because she was on it at 2 in the morning. So am I tonight thanks to perimenopausal insomnia! What would you suggest to get her out of her room? She doesnt want to do anything with us. Ever.. no TV shows , no games, no films. We have tried..I agree forcing her out of her room is probably not the way forward , but dd wont be teased out with a take away and strictly or whatever may work for others.

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Original poster
Saltn · 14/12/2020 03:32

And all shes interested in is minecraft. I have nothing to say about it and even if we were to play it, she would do so from her room anyway..

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Christmasfairy2020 · 23/12/2020 19:26

My husband moans at our nearly 11 year old for been in her room to much. I prefer her there than downstairs on phone to friends tbh Grin even bought her a tv and having her room re painted to make it cosier. She comes everywhere with us though walks grandma's etc

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