Self harm

[Timtims]

My young teen has been self harming for a year or so. It took a long time for me to notice - seemed like just picking a scab to start with, but I finally twigged c 6 months ago.

Pattern is - I notice, she stops for a while, she starts again, I notice.....

Usually just picking at skin, but I've just noticed some long very thin cuts. Very light and surface, but obviously self harming. I'm petrified that if I push too hard it will become even more hidden/secret.

I have no idea how to deal with this. She point blank refuses to discuss it in any way. I'd love some advice from anyone with experience.

Hi OP,

My son started this when he was 11. He’s 16 now and I think he’s stopped cutting but latterly he was cutting his pelvic region so he could hide what he was doing more successfully, so I’m not 100% sure.

When this started I took him to his GP. He was then referred to CAMHS and they were useless. I also took him to see a counsellor for a while but he wouldn’t speak so not very useful. I was terrified obviously because he had also said he wanted to die.

I removed all sharp things from my house, locked knives away and removed things like pencil sharpeners and razors. Anything that could be used was taken away and he still found things to harm himself. The doctor recommended having an elastic band around his wrist but it didn’t seem to work long term.

Honestly? The only thing that made him open up was driving him around in the car, so that I couldn’t look at him while he was talking. Face to face contact didn’t work and he just shut down.

When he was 15 he was finally diagnosed with ASD and for some reason he’s now a lot happier and calmer. He still has black moods though and he takes St John’s Wort which he says calm him down.

This is a horrible thing to deal with OP and there are no easy answers.

But you should tell the school and also take her to her GP. Also, check her social media accounts. Self harming was rife in my son’s school. Check what she’s watching on YouTube and online. Don’t let her shut you out of her life. You won’t be popular with her for looking through her phone/other devices but your only concern here is to protect her.And the only way to do that is to know everything that’s going on for her. Is she being bullied or is something else bothering her?

Good luck.

Thanks for responding. I'm so torn about taking formal action iyswim. I worry that she'd see me talking to the GP and school as punishing her, or as a massive betrayal.

I have said that I'd need to talk to the GP if she doesn't stop, and talked about infections etc. She's promised she'll stop but she's said that before.

There's some definite similarities, as my dd can't look at me when I talk to her about it. She won't let me look at the marks and won't discuss at all.

It's so difficult.

We had the same with my dd we went through they why the how’s and turned out she felt rubbish about the way she looks we tried working on self esteem which worked for a little then she started again but the top of her thigh where we can’t see this has now stopped as she feels happy in herself lockdown was the start of it all for us. She also seems to have a need for craving attention from anyone but that is a different kettle of fish. We have a diary she can write in and we reply but we never speak about what is written it is a massive rule this helps her tell us everything as she hasn’t got to speak it has been a god send to us and dealing with emotions plus she nerves sees how we react to what she has said

I did this at 16. It will escalate - I went from using a compass to using a serrated kitchen knife.

Get her some counselling and bring it out in the open. I stopped because my mum asked me what the fuck I was doing and checked my body.

Appreciate my mums approach isn't for everyone

I found that my son went from talking incessantly, to hardly speaking at all, really quickly. This coincided with him starting at secondary school, which I think triggered a lot of his issues, because he simply could not cope with it.

I hugely underestimated the transition from primary to secondary school and, at the time, I was not aware of the ASD. So everything about secondary school made him very unhappy because he hated the crowds, the noise levels, the expectations, the moving from class to class, having to be organised, remembering things. He simply could not do any of it. This manifested itself in self harming and also in him becoming increasingly volatile, which meant that school basically wrote him off.

I spent four years telling people that there was something seriously wrong with my son but I could not get him any help from anywhere. And things got worse and worse until eventually he was excluded from school permanently. Six months later he was diagnosed with ASD but by then it was too late.

I am not saying that things are going to deteriorate for your child in this way but I am saying that you have to fight and fight and fight to get your child the help that they need. I worried that my DS would resent me as well for taking him to the GP and CAMHS and a counsellor etc but in the end I wanted to keep him safe and well. He appreciates it now but at the time he just wanted to be left alone.

I really hope you can get your DD some help and try to get to the reason that she is doing this. Because there is a reason, even if she doesn't know how to communicate it to you.

I have just found out tonight that my 13 year DD is doing this too. I spotted marks on her arm - they were faded but newer ones on the other arm. She says she’s stressed at school - she seems pretty bright and happy in herself so I am in a big shock. She’s scared I will tell her Dad (divorced but amicable and they are with him about 40/60 in my favour). She said she only did it one time but clearly not as the marks are so red on one arm and not the other. I have no idea what to do - she doesn’t want me to tell the school either but I told her it was really serious if she felt she had to go these extremes. She used to be into fitness and we would run together often so I suggested we do that again and channel the negativity into something positive but it just sounded so cliched in my head.

I hate to think she feels like this

"I have said that I'd need to talk to the GP if she doesn't stop, and talked about infections etc. She's promised she'll stop but she's said that before."

I'm not sure this is the right approach OP.

NHS website advises seeking support for any level of self harming. I'd agree, I've been hurting myself since the age of 5. I honestly believe that target support would have helped me from getting in a rut. The chemicals released in your brain from injury are addictive and you can get cravings. It's hard to explain if you've not experienced it.

But self harm is a sign of real distress and shouldn't be dismissed. Viewing it as a trend/fad is very common but totally misguided. Yes a YP might have tried something because it's something peers do, but only because they are already struggling with emotional regulation.

I work for Camhs,
Seek advice from your local Camhs service (not all are bad) I'd also recommend talking to school. They can often access counsellors much quicker.

Self harming in young people is really common, and is a way of controlling something when often they feel other things in their life are beyond their control.

Try and be supportive, don't make them promise not to do it again.
Try and remove all sharps, but young people can get creative and use all sorts to harm:
Encourage them to show you if they've done it, talk about wound care and keeping wounds clean. Using clean sharps to cut if they can't control the urge.
Also to share if they are concerned that the wound is deep.
Encourage distraction techniques, drawing on themselves in red pen, flicking an elastic band on their wrist, holding an ice cube in their palm until the urge passes.
Do something they enjoy if possible to distract themselves.
There is a great app called calm harm which can give distraction techniques if they feel the urge to cut.

Mine is self harming in a completely different way, and it seems to have gone wrong for her.
She has emotionally abused and dumped all her family and put herself in the care of social services.
She was mentally assessed and as usual doesn't engage, they get nowhere and she's at the bottom of a list.
The agencies call it self harm, I call it a personality disorder the carnage that's left.
Nobody will help us. If we go private you can't force her to engage, you can't believe a word she says.
Merry Christmas everyone.

I’m so glad I have seen this post as my son too around 11-12 started pinching the inside of his arm. I took him along to a cahms counsellor arranged my school and after two meetings she decided he has no mental health issues. Roll in three years after it was all said to have stooped he tells me it never stopped, he just didn’t tell me and the inside of his arm is now hard and yellow. I have now arranged for him to see his school counsellor but being a school one I was told it’s his meeting and I’m not allowed to intervene.. is this correct? I don’t want to alienate him by interfering or have them say I’m interfering so just told him let me know if you’re happy or not with the service and if you ever do want me involved let them know. He hasn’t so far but seems halt to see her. It was him about two months ago who came in and said can you book me one of those meetings we had before. I was so happy he did and within the hour I phoned cahms snd managed to persuade him to open up to the lady on the phone. She was very nice, offering him some methods of distraction or ideas to reduce his anxiety like improving his health and fitness or finding hobbies which he really is never interested in. He is so un-confident and won’t open up to anyone. Right now I’m trying to find out about how to get a support plan in school as he has admitted he’s struggling to take things in. I still want cahms to see him but was told it would be months

Camhs can have long waiting lists unfortunately.

Yes it's usually the case that counsellors will not share what is said in sessions, unless it's a safeguarding issue.

Young minds have a really good website for you and your ds to have a look at.

I also recommend kooth.com an online counselling service if he struggles inbetween sessions

Thanks

We've been through this with DD now aged 15. It first started at 13 and the again this year after lockdown. In her case its seems to be linked to very high anxiety levels. She also goes through phases of suicide ideation. We have been through CAMHs twice and to be honest I I haven't found them that useful. But in retrospect, I think I had unrealistic expectations of them. There isn't much they or you can do about it. I wanted to find the cause and fix it, but there isn't a cause as such. What I found works best is to find a counsellor DD felt happy with which took a few goes. She isn't SH at the moment as far as I know, but if she does I try not to panic. It's not great, but it not as bad as I first thought. For her,its not about harming herself so she dies,but more a way to let our feelings. I suspect we will deal with it again at some point but also think she will out grow it.

as someone who’s struggled with self harm, just telling them to stop won’t work, it’s a coping mechanism (obviously an unhealthy one) but the risk of just getting them to stop is that, for me anyway, i found other ways that were more dangerous
sit down and have a chat with them, talk about alternatives if comfortable like ice or drawing or painting with red, talk to ur gp and they may refer to camhs or if you can go private
self harm itself is usually a symptom of something else, it won’t just go away it has to be replaced by a healthier coping mechanism

No I know it won’t just stop. I have tried encouraging him into activities to deal with his stress and anxiety but he’s not interested. I try and give him a healthy diet but he will eat the things he likes. He is going through the school counsellor at the moment and says this is helping him deal with some things but I always check with him if he needs any more

Glad I stumbled on this. I SH'd as a teenager but there was no real easy access to help in early 90's. It was just feeling of lacking, confidence, school, parents expectations. I didn't really tell anyone and don't remember how I got past it now. It is odd looking back now but at the time it just felt like something I needed to do. I'd never heard of it or read about in those days. But it just felt like a release and being in control of something.
I am now trying to help my child's friend. They have a friend who has confided that they are and mine has told me. I am trying to her help by giving my child ideas and tips to pass on but friend doesn't know I know. There has been some good extra things on here I hadn't yet found. I have been constantly saying ultimately she needs to talk to her parents again. She did write a note to a teacher who told her mum. (Not quite how she wanted it to pan out) but she has told her parents she is now fine after a few days of chatting and they believe her but she isn't. I passed on (through my child) a poster of loads of support groups she could contact and she did reach out to one the other night. I dont know what else to do except keep trying to pass on ideas/tips to her until something clicks and she feels better.

OP - something I have suggested to my child's friend is to write out a diary if it would help. Either one she would want to read back or that she doesn't need to reread if she doesn't want to, to almost write it out and forget it. Or to write one that she wants her mum to read so mum knows how she feels without having to physically say anything as she is finding it tough to get time with her mum and then to also feel comfortable talking.
Also the apps headspace and calm for relaxing. Or a breathing exercises app.

I hate self harm. So destructive. I understand it but I HATE it 😭

OP - something I have suggested to my child's friend is to write out a diary if it would help. Either one she would want to read back or that she doesn't need to reread if she doesn't want to, to almost write it out and forget it. Or to write one that she wants her mum to read so mum knows how she feels without having to physically say anything as she is finding it tough to get time with her mum and then to also feel comfortable talking.
Amongst other things have also suggested the apps headspace and calm for relaxing. Or a breathing exercises app.

As a recovered self harmer (I was a severe case and ended up with nerve damage), I would have found the following helpful for me:

• validation. Dont minimise her feelings or what she has done. This is a way of expressing things that feel un expressable.
• the feeling that it must be secret and that someone finding out is punishment is powerful. Finding a SUPPORTIVE GP is hugely important.
• it will escalate. As PP said, the endorphins released become addictive. I got to the point where cutting myself was the first thing I did in a day. Look at what tools she uses if you can. When I came out of hospital my parents removed every serrated knife from the house, which helped for a while.
• alternatives: holding ice, any kind of intense physical sensation, drawing on yourself with red pen (I found this quite helpful at times)

In terms of literature, the DBT workbook is helpful. Even looking up "distress tolerance" skills online - self harm is a way of escaping feelings which feel intolerable, and the more you do it the more you rely on it (like any maladaptive behaviour) and it takes time to "learn" other ways of riding out distress.

Hope you don't mind me jumping in.

Found out today my 12yo dd is cutting herself. School called about a cut she did at school on her lower leg. She has lots of cuts on her arms, clearly done at different times. We had an incident a few months ago were she said she took some paracetamol at school, only 4 and it was for a headache or something and she said it was a mistake and it was unclear if she took any tablets.

I'm really hoping someone will tell this will just stop but looking online it seems we might have a long term problem on our hands. Thing is, she doesn't seem to fit any of the descriptions of self charmers. She doesn't seem at all unhappy or anxious, she has lots of friends, we don't have any family problems. There has been a little bit of online bullying but very minor, blocked and they go to another school. The bullying came up when we found out about the self harm today. She said some of her friends have been self harming but wouldn't tell us who. She has a gp appointment next week about it.
Does it ever just stop?